Grown Up Heartbreak

So... this is what grown up heartbreak feels like...
No more all night crying,
I sleep through my anxiety,
I'm tough
I'm raw
Say what I want to say
Do what I wanna do

So... this is what grown up heartbreak feels like...
I yell instead of crying
Even though every syllable that comes out of my mouth has me slowly dying
To have you in my face
Only an arms reach away but
You're on ghost mode.
I reach for you and my fingertips go straight through
Only to pierce your soul in a way that is...
Minimal.

So... this is what grown up heartbreak feels like...
Eyes burn from anger not tears
Even though I feel them coming
I can't
I won't
1 simple melodic heartbeat slowly churns itself to become two
offbeat
unsynced
lies

So... this is what grown up heartbreak feels like...
Walking down a path of sharp rocks but you see the light at the end of the tunnel
You look up to see that silver lining on a cloud
So I guess that rationalizes the blood that seeps from the bottom of your feet
As you walk every extra mile
The definition of insanity
Doing the same thing
Over
and Over
And OVER
again
expecting a change to happen...

They said I was psychotic...
I disagree...
I'm insane
and I guess that's just what grown up heartbreak does.

Internal Struggles

So... maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm the idiot who fell for someone a little too hard, a little too fast. 

Maybe I should look harder before I leap.

Maybe everything really isn't what it seems.

Maybe love and trust are all a game.

Maybe it was meant to be this way.

It's not your fault I'm hurting...

I just don't want to cry.

I'm internalizing all my pains so that I can wipe your eyes.

Maybe this is foolish.

Maybe I'm just blind.

Jumping into one relationship when you haven't left the other one behind.

So my pains are all my problem.

They are all my fault.

I pray for guidance and I get no response.

I'm lost in a world of deceit and lies.

If you're hurt who's going to wipe my eyes?

I'm sick of hearing her name.

I'm tired of you caring.

How am I supposed to take my place,

If I feel like I'm constantly sharing.

Somethings got to give,

This isn't what I wanted.

Now everyday just feels like another day that's haunted.

Every time I'm with you, her name comes up.

Now I'm starting to wonder why you're even moving your stuff...

You care too much,

I don't even have your full heart.

I'll probably never get it,

It was all a game from the start.

She plays and you play back.

Both of ya'll are addicted to a game,

I've been there, done that.

I see where this is going,

It ain't looking good.

My heart wants to pull out now 

It will only hurt a little...

But something tells me you need me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the glue that holds you together.

I'm the sanity that keeps you strong.

But this shit is getting old. 

You said I wouldn't ever have to deal with her...

You told me that part of your life was done...

But for some reason she knows all our business and what's to come.

So forgive me if I'm bitter

Excuse me if I'm rude

But it's my place as your woman to be a tad bit prude. 

I want to run in the opposite direction

But it hurts too much to leave

I love the way you make me feel

I love your touch, 

How our conversations have always been so real.

I love how you make me smile and how I can do the same 

But I'm beginning to feel like I don't belong.

I'm scared that you'll push me away

I'm terrified that nothing I do matters

I work my ass off to understand

I do things just to make you smile

But when it comes down to it...

I always lose...

She always ruins it.

So what am I supposed to do?

I feel like I'm in a relationship with you and her

Her fuckin' name comes up so much I get sick

I just want to call it quits

You don't know what you want

And me? I'm already sick of this shit.

I just can't leave you and internally...

I'm crying.

I'm dying.

I'm stressing.

I'm lying.

I'm burning.

I'm sighing.

I'm hurting.

But I'm trying...

Disappointed... But Why?

Good Morning Good People!

So, today, well last night I felt like an idiot and it's carrying over into this morning. As you well know from my last blog, me and Rhajah broke up. About a week and a half after our breakup she asked me if I could see her starting over with me... Of course I said yes. I mean I did think she could start over if she tried. She asked me out on a date that Saturday (2 weeks ago) and I went. It was great! We went back to the places we went on our first date a year ago. Walked the beach again, I sat in her arms again and felt like I was where I belonged. We did something new though, something I had been talking about for a while. We had a picnic and barbecued right off the beach. It was great, we put the grill together, together lol. It was hot as hell but we still enjoyed each others company. She fed me grapes, strawberries, polish sausage and even corn on the cob as I laid back soaking up the sun. When I kissed her my world felt right but my heart was still hesitant. After our picnic we packed up and went to the antique car show, which she absolutely hates, but I'm into that kind of stuff so she sucked it up and walked through it with me. I kinda realized that it was a mistake when she snapped on me about ice cream... I guess I took to long deciding if I wanted it or not... That threw me off but I brushed it off. After the car show I took her home and I couldn't hold it in anymore. There were so many questions I needed answered. We talked for about 30 minutes and got everything out in the open but I still didn't believe it or her. We planned another date for 2 weeks from then (this Saturday). We decided that we wouldn't try to pick up where we left off but that instead we were "Starting over, better". I left there with a sore heart. 

Since that weekend, things have been nice. We've talked but not all day, everyday. Just when we could squeeze each other in because I was so busy with school and she works too much so... it is what it is. Wednesday night her cell phone got turned off and I wasn't trippin because I thought it was going to be turned off Tuesday and she was supposed to pay the bill Tuesday. I figured she had gotten really busy and didn't have time. Then Thursday I know she has a morning class from 8am to noon so I just knew after class she would go pay the bill... no... she didn't. So I sent emails, beginning to worry. No response. So my insides are churning because I'm uneasy. So finally as a last resort I send a message to her on Yahoo Messenger, I just so happen to know her screen name because we aren't friends on anything. Her ass had the nerve to write me right back saying she would get it turned back on tomorrow. Mind you, I've been going through hell in my house for the past few days and I needed her to be there for me. Did she care? No. She said, "I gave up that obligation baby." I asked her if we were still on for Saturday... She says she doesn't know because she's really busy. I'm laughing because she hasn't changed for shit. I'm crying because I wanted her to at least be able to keep her word for ONCE. I'm hurting because I was looking forward to going to the arcade, go kart racing and laser tag with her. I'm pissed because I should have known. 

I'm disappointed, but why? 

She's always planned shit and had to cancel. ALWAYS. She's never been able to keep a date. And then I realized that this was supposed to be her trying to start over with me not me holding us together like I used to. I'm not about to be the glue in something that she's supposed to be trying to rebuild. If I'm not that damn important then fuck it. She planned a date 2 weeks ago. If she couldn't plan her schedule around that date it just shows me how much regard she gives me. None. So I deleted her out of my phone only to realize I needed her in my contacts so I could select the "Automatically send calls to voicemail" button next to her name. Since I'm so unimportant to her and my feelings just don't matter I put her in my phone as what I am to her, "Not Important". I'm sick of being a last priority, I dealt with that shit when we were together. I'm tired of her cancelling everything I look forward to. So... I'm not going to give her anything else to cancel. I'm sick of her ripping my heart into pieces depending on her mood, so I'm taking my heart back, as much as it may hurt. She'll never have it again because she doesn't know how to treat it. I will no longer care, I won't run back... to what? Someone who can't fit me into her schedule? Lol yea right. And the bad thing is that I told her before we even went on our first date that I don't fit into her goal of retiring by 35, I have no place there. She planned it without having a partner so... while I could try to squeeze myself in, it's a very uncomfortable squeeze that I'm not up for. I quit. Maybe one day she'll be willing to work as hard for me as she does for her retirement. And maybe when that day comes I won't want to basically spit in her face like she did to me. 

She probably wouldn't like that, but right now I don't care about her feelings, I don't care whether she would like it or not. I don't care about her heart, which barely exists at all. I don't care. I'm not here for her anymore, I'm not an ear to listen, I'm not. I'm not a caring person who will always be there. You know what... Simply put...

"I gave up that obligation baby."


And now I need to work on finding scholarships so that I can go to University of Arizona for grad school because right now, she's not worth me staying in Michigan.

.An Inspired Mind.

Listen to your Epiphany

You're in a relationship that makes you happy and full of joy... You feel free to be who ever you choose to be because you have a woman who loves you more than you know, or at least thats what she says... You text her reminding her that you love her and saying little shit to put that smile on her face while you're not with her. Life is good, life is great. You have absolutely NO COMPLAINTS about her, you, and ya'll together. You're quick to say, "Yea.. that's my baby" and every time you hear her name you smile... But it wouldn't last forever would it? 

Months pass and this feeling of happiness begins to fade... She's complaining about little things you do, as if you haven't always done them. She's finding stupid petty reasons to call you back, take a rain check or even your favorite "imma hafta ttyl" through a text. Your trust begins to fail as you find shit takes makes you wonder what the hell. You look inside yourself and take the blame, saying it's my fault I can't keep our relationship the same. You bust your ass and try to smile, pretending you don't know what you've known for a while. Because through it all, love prevails... right? 

She kisses you sweetly, holds you tight, kisses ur neck and tells you goodnight but all you can think about is... What am I not doing right? You ask yourself over and over again, write it down, make a plan, just to keep her love in your grasp. She's fading away, she's leaving fast, you just don't know how to make it last and when you ask... She blows you off, saying thats ur own internal fault. So you cry, you mourn while she's away, wondering what shit you'll find today. You've become addicted to searching through her things, her email, her messengers, every screen name. You want to stop but you just can't, because you have to know if you still have a chance. Every day brings something new, a DL page... wow who knew. Responding to singles ads, calling ppl baby and commenting on a picture of a bitches ass... 

Your eyes swell with tears, how could you be so blind... The signals were there the entire time. The blow horn was blowing and sirens were loud, but you didn't hear them... you just don't know how... but even now... Love prevails, right? She comes home late, doesn't want to talk, she kisses your cheek and says she's going for a walk... You hurt, it burns and every thing in you wants to scream, but you can't be that weak... You can beat this thing. She still comes home! It's all okay! It doesn't matter what she does during the day, you love her! 

One day she comes home and you can tell, somethings not right. What the fuck is that smell? Cheap perfume and "Baby, I'm tired as hell." You think, yea I'm sure, me too... inside wishing you had never fell for her smile, her touch, her kiss and there's still so much... She tries to hold you, you scoot away, not sure where her hands have been today. It hurts, it's bad. You cry and she says, "Shut that shit up, I'm tryin to sleep." You laugh because you've hit the edge of sanity. 

In the morning she leaves and you stick around just trying to breathe in contaminated air, sleeping in a bed of nails that used to be soft as rose petals... You get up to do your daily things, turn on the radio and for you she sings, "I think I'm just about over being your girlfriend, I'm leaving, I'm leaving. No more wonderin what you been doin, where you been sleepin. I'm leaving, I'm leaving." The tears fill your eyes because this song is going to be your demise but by the time it's over you've pulled out your duffel, a few bags your purse. You plan to be out by the time she gets back from "work". You pack all day grabbing all your shit, singing the song in your head is motivating you not to quit. 

You're all packed up, you leave a note, "I'm gone for good, I should have known." On top you leave the key you'll never need. She pulls in while you're grabbing your things. She's asking you, "WHY!?", you're pulling away, thinking of all the times you'd stay, broken and torn, unappreciated and worn. Nothing makes sense except you closing that door and driving far, far away. She keeps screaming, "WHY!?" Almost like she's going to cry, but you know better, she has no feelings. She's turned her back and left you to cry in a corner, fall to your knees, you've watched yourself beg and plead for someone who you didn't ever need. You look at her and the tears begin to fall, she used to be your everything, your love, your all. You tell her softly, as sweet as can be... "I should have listened to my first epiphany" 

Lessons Learned

Every chapter in your life contains a lesson or lessons that needs to be learned. I think I just finished another chapter and learned some extremely valuable lessons.

You know "they" say, whoever they are, to never make someone your everything because when they leave you are left with nothing.

Lesson 1: Thats not true.
When you love someone with your entire heart they become the center of your world. You do anything and everything to make them happy, laugh and smile. There's nothing wrong with that. The thing you must know is that if things don't work out, your life is not over. She's gone, but I'm still here and while at times I may be lonely and hurting because she's not calling me and telling me that she loves me, I have an obligation to MYSELF. When she came into my life I was strong, independent and intelligent. Now she's left out of my life and I owe it to myself to once again be strong, independent and intelligent ON MY OWN. Which takes me to

Lesson 2: COMPLETE YOURSELF FIRST
Your relationship will ALWAYS fail if you're looking for someone to complete you. I've learned this with my last relationship. If you aren't happy with yourself, you honestly can't expect someone else to be happy with you. If where you are in your life does not make you happy, if you look in the mirror and smile don't smile at yourself, don't be surprised when they aren't happy and don't smile at you. See my thing is this, I always go into a relationship with half of a heart expecting that person to give me half of theirs to complete my own. The issue with that is that one of us will always die, metaphorically speaking of course. If you give me half of your heart, what do you have left to live with? I may feel complete but you're half empty, how long can you last like that? Not long. Never again will I go into a relationship expecting someone to give me half of who they are. I have learned that I need to go in 100% committed to me, complete in myself. When you want someone to complete you sometimes you can be overwhelming and whenever they mess up it hurts you more than it should because you're attached to that person. I don't ever want to be dependent on someone else to make me happy. I have always been able to make myself smile.

Lesson 3: Keep yourself happy.
When you're miserable, your relationship is miserable. This comes from anything, trust issues, distance, homework, stress, family... anything that directly influences your mood can put a damper on your relationship. In my case, when you have two people who dream, breathe and live success, your relationship will fail because you are both over achievers in everything but "us". In time you begin to forget about "us", "we", "together", "relationship", "our happiness" and "quality/us time" and begin thinking more about, "me", "myself", "alone", "friendships", "my happiness" and "me time". Once this happens, there's really no turning back. In April right around my birthday I found out my now ex-girlfriend was flirting with women on the internet. That's about the time that "me-time" became more important that "us-time". That's about the time that my mind threw in the towel and said I quit. I was miserable... and in turn my relationship became a jail house for both of us. For her because I didn't trust her to go out, talk to people, use that specific website, or even leave her house. For me because I couldn't trust my girlfriend and because of that I felt trapped in love. I felt like I loved her so much but I was hurting so bad. My love kept me tied to her even though I was crying myself to sleep at night. I was miserable. My relationship was miserable.

Lesson 4: Never change yourself or your friends for your relationship
It's impossible to be happy with someone who wants to change things about who you are. In the beginning of my last relationship, she hated my dreadlocks. She talked about them something awful and even had the nerve to sniff them on our first date. That hurt my feelings intensely but instead of calling the entire relationship off, I combed my locs out. They were my pride and joy, I had nursed them like my babies watching them develop and grow from comb coils to beautiful sun kissed locs. I don't regret taking them down today, I've seen that we live in an extremely discrimination based society and women with locs aren't looked at or taken as seriously as a woman with a press and curl. There were things I didn't like about her and I changed them. In time I got her out of some of her ways, I should have never changed them, I should have walked away. She had an issue with me having male friends. When we started our relationship a majority of my friends were male. They looked at me as a little sister that hung out with the guys (mostly because the girls pissed me off). That's who I've been my entire life. I've been the girl who chills with all the guys but has their respect and gets the dirt on ALL the hoes LOL. I lost a lot of friends for that relationship, that should have never happened.

Lesson 5: Look before you leap
Never get in a relationship with someone to figure out who they really are along the way. Know that person, their values, beliefs and mannerisms ahead of time and that will probably keep you from going through Lesson 4. I was with this woman for a year and for some reason she still thought I was flashy and expensive when I'll take a pretty stone of the beach over a diamond any day... Ha! It tickles me to see how much I must really mean. People please if you don't do anything, just look before you leap.

So while I sit here thinking about the past year of my life, I can say that I learned a lot of lessons and I improved in many ways. I began to focus on my classes, making Academic Honors all year but I also missed out on a lot of girls nights, sleepovers in each others rooms and just hanging out because she didn't like that. When we broke up she said she wanted to be free... It hurt but as I was pleading for us to work things out, I realized... I just want to breathe. To my own beat. My own rhythm. My own style.

I wanted to be Victoria Ashley and not "represent" her in the process. It's no fun being "tied down" because that's exactly what you are. We suffocated each other in our own ways and all I can say is that I AM ME. I AM FREE AND IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD TO BREATHE.


.An Inspired Mind.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

The Independence Take Back

Whats good ya'll... I know its been a while. My bad.

I'm not gonna catch you up on whats happened or what you've missed. Naw. I'm gonna introduce you to the next chapter of my life. It's called INDEPENDENCE. See me and independence used to be real cool, like always together type cool, she had my back no matter what. I wasn't stuntin' a thing. It was just me and my independence.

See... somewhere within the last year of my life I think I pissed her off and uhh she dipped on my ass lol but now I need her back. I'm beginning to realize that every relationship I've been in has ended in one or two ways...
1. I'm smothering, clingy and they want some space
2. They cheated... probably as a result of number 1

So now I'm claiming independence back. I need her in my life. I have officially pissed off my girlfriend with my clingy ways and insecurities. The thing about me is that I know that I'm smothering and that's just me. But I also know that my smothering leads people to leave and cheat. So I have a hard time trusting because I know what my ways can do. So I try to tell myself she wouldn't cheat, she wouldn't hurt me but somehow my memory always backtracks to my past relationships where they all cheated and left. I can't take out their shit on her. But I know that I'm the problem. Shit, maybe I need a hobby or something. I always want to talk to her. I always need to hear her voice. I'm always texting her. I feel kinda pathetic. I feel like I've been through this before. I've tried to pull away and failed... horribly. But this time I've got to get it right.

I don't have any real hobbies anymore... Things I used to enjoy, I don't do anymore mostly because I'm always trying to be there for her but she doesn't need me all the time. Maybe I should start painting again, swimming?, crocheting, singing, hanging out with friends. I have to make me happy so that we can be happy. That's what she told me... I'm beginning to understand. I need to find some stuff I like to do and do it. I'm not going to plan my days around her anymore. I'm going to focus on me. I was all about me when I met her. I did my own thing. I enjoyed my own time. I fell in love and started wanting every second of every day to be with her. I forgot about me. I forgot about my happiness, my time, my fun. So right now I'm taking that back. I didn't think it was possible to be in a  relationship and independent, but it is and if I don't start... I'm going to lose her. I'm going to do things that make me happy now. I'm going to stop worrying about talking to her before I do anything. I wont call her when I wake up anymore, wait... maybe I should still do that but not try to take over her entire morning lol.

So Independence, I need me and you to get back on it. Here are my goals, I will knock them out one by one.

1: I will not have my phone attached to my hip all the damn time.

2: I will turn my laptop off at night, its okay if I miss an instant message.

3: I will put my phone on vibrate at night, it's okay if I miss a call

4: I will not check in before and after I do everything

5: I will spend more time thinking about me than her

6: I will not call her back to back. I will call, if she doesn't answer I'll send a text saying what I wanted and move on.

7: I won't be sad when she doesn't want to talk to me. I'll be cool and keep it moving.

8: I WILL NOT BE DEPRESSED BECAUSE WE AREN'T ALWAYS TALKING

Maybe I should turn this into a game... At the beginning of every week (Sunday) I'll start off with 20 points. Every time I break one of these goals I'll subtract one point and if I have less than 10 by Saturday I will punish myself by no facebook for 3 days and no texting for 1. If on Saturday I have 15 or more points I will add 2 to my minimum of 10 and if I have 10-14 points I will add 1 to my minimum for the next week.

Wish me luck! I got this!

.An Inspired Mind.

deciding to live

The decision to take another breath in a day is the biggest decision one will ever make.

We get so stressed out over trivial bullshit, what outfit to wear, why he or she cheated, who we are, whats on the radio... lol... we forget that we've already accomplished the biggest task of them all. We exhaled... and we continued to breathe.

We as a people must stop and breathe, yes, it is a blessing that you woke up this morning, but you are inhaling right now because you told yourself to. That is the biggest task of them all. To stop breathing is to end the beauty you hold.

Now while you're breathing, you may cry, want to die, feel your insides ripped out, and again want to die. But because you took that last breath... and this one... and that one, you're stronger than you believe.

Stop stressing and make the biggest decision one can make.

LIVE.