You're in a relationship that makes you happy and full of joy... You feel free to be who ever you choose to be because you have a woman who loves you more than you know, or at least thats what she says... You text her reminding her that you love her and saying little shit to put that smile on her face while you're not with her. Life is good, life is great. You have absolutely NO COMPLAINTS about her, you, and ya'll together. You're quick to say, "Yea.. that's my baby" and every time you hear her name you smile... But it wouldn't last forever would it?
Months pass and this feeling of happiness begins to fade... She's complaining about little things you do, as if you haven't always done them. She's finding stupid petty reasons to call you back, take a rain check or even your favorite "imma hafta ttyl" through a text. Your trust begins to fail as you find shit takes makes you wonder what the hell. You look inside yourself and take the blame, saying it's my fault I can't keep our relationship the same. You bust your ass and try to smile, pretending you don't know what you've known for a while. Because through it all, love prevails... right?
She kisses you sweetly, holds you tight, kisses ur neck and tells you goodnight but all you can think about is... What am I not doing right? You ask yourself over and over again, write it down, make a plan, just to keep her love in your grasp. She's fading away, she's leaving fast, you just don't know how to make it last and when you ask... She blows you off, saying thats ur own internal fault. So you cry, you mourn while she's away, wondering what shit you'll find today. You've become addicted to searching through her things, her email, her messengers, every screen name. You want to stop but you just can't, because you have to know if you still have a chance. Every day brings something new, a DL page... wow who knew. Responding to singles ads, calling ppl baby and commenting on a picture of a bitches ass...
Your eyes swell with tears, how could you be so blind... The signals were there the entire time. The blow horn was blowing and sirens were loud, but you didn't hear them... you just don't know how... but even now... Love prevails, right? She comes home late, doesn't want to talk, she kisses your cheek and says she's going for a walk... You hurt, it burns and every thing in you wants to scream, but you can't be that weak... You can beat this thing. She still comes home! It's all okay! It doesn't matter what she does during the day, you love her!
One day she comes home and you can tell, somethings not right. What the fuck is that smell? Cheap perfume and "Baby, I'm tired as hell." You think, yea I'm sure, me too... inside wishing you had never fell for her smile, her touch, her kiss and there's still so much... She tries to hold you, you scoot away, not sure where her hands have been today. It hurts, it's bad. You cry and she says, "Shut that shit up, I'm tryin to sleep." You laugh because you've hit the edge of sanity.
In the morning she leaves and you stick around just trying to breathe in contaminated air, sleeping in a bed of nails that used to be soft as rose petals... You get up to do your daily things, turn on the radio and for you she sings, "I think I'm just about over being your girlfriend, I'm leaving, I'm leaving. No more wonderin what you been doin, where you been sleepin. I'm leaving, I'm leaving." The tears fill your eyes because this song is going to be your demise but by the time it's over you've pulled out your duffel, a few bags your purse. You plan to be out by the time she gets back from "work". You pack all day grabbing all your shit, singing the song in your head is motivating you not to quit.
You're all packed up, you leave a note, "I'm gone for good, I should have known." On top you leave the key you'll never need. She pulls in while you're grabbing your things. She's asking you, "WHY!?", you're pulling away, thinking of all the times you'd stay, broken and torn, unappreciated and worn. Nothing makes sense except you closing that door and driving far, far away. She keeps screaming, "WHY!?" Almost like she's going to cry, but you know better, she has no feelings. She's turned her back and left you to cry in a corner, fall to your knees, you've watched yourself beg and plead for someone who you didn't ever need. You look at her and the tears begin to fall, she used to be your everything, your love, your all. You tell her softly, as sweet as can be... "I should have listened to my first epiphany"
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Lessons Learned
Every chapter in your life contains a lesson or lessons that needs to be learned. I think I just finished another chapter and learned some extremely valuable lessons.
You know "they" say, whoever they are, to never make someone your everything because when they leave you are left with nothing.
Lesson 1: Thats not true.
When you love someone with your entire heart they become the center of your world. You do anything and everything to make them happy, laugh and smile. There's nothing wrong with that. The thing you must know is that if things don't work out, your life is not over. She's gone, but I'm still here and while at times I may be lonely and hurting because she's not calling me and telling me that she loves me, I have an obligation to MYSELF. When she came into my life I was strong, independent and intelligent. Now she's left out of my life and I owe it to myself to once again be strong, independent and intelligent ON MY OWN. Which takes me to
Lesson 2: COMPLETE YOURSELF FIRST
Your relationship will ALWAYS fail if you're looking for someone to complete you. I've learned this with my last relationship. If you aren't happy with yourself, you honestly can't expect someone else to be happy with you. If where you are in your life does not make you happy, if you look in the mirror and smile don't smile at yourself, don't be surprised when they aren't happy and don't smile at you. See my thing is this, I always go into a relationship with half of a heart expecting that person to give me half of theirs to complete my own. The issue with that is that one of us will always die, metaphorically speaking of course. If you give me half of your heart, what do you have left to live with? I may feel complete but you're half empty, how long can you last like that? Not long. Never again will I go into a relationship expecting someone to give me half of who they are. I have learned that I need to go in 100% committed to me, complete in myself. When you want someone to complete you sometimes you can be overwhelming and whenever they mess up it hurts you more than it should because you're attached to that person. I don't ever want to be dependent on someone else to make me happy. I have always been able to make myself smile.
Lesson 3: Keep yourself happy.
When you're miserable, your relationship is miserable. This comes from anything, trust issues, distance, homework, stress, family... anything that directly influences your mood can put a damper on your relationship. In my case, when you have two people who dream, breathe and live success, your relationship will fail because you are both over achievers in everything but "us". In time you begin to forget about "us", "we", "together", "relationship", "our happiness" and "quality/us time" and begin thinking more about, "me", "myself", "alone", "friendships", "my happiness" and "me time". Once this happens, there's really no turning back. In April right around my birthday I found out my now ex-girlfriend was flirting with women on the internet. That's about the time that "me-time" became more important that "us-time". That's about the time that my mind threw in the towel and said I quit. I was miserable... and in turn my relationship became a jail house for both of us. For her because I didn't trust her to go out, talk to people, use that specific website, or even leave her house. For me because I couldn't trust my girlfriend and because of that I felt trapped in love. I felt like I loved her so much but I was hurting so bad. My love kept me tied to her even though I was crying myself to sleep at night. I was miserable. My relationship was miserable.
Lesson 4: Never change yourself or your friends for your relationship
It's impossible to be happy with someone who wants to change things about who you are. In the beginning of my last relationship, she hated my dreadlocks. She talked about them something awful and even had the nerve to sniff them on our first date. That hurt my feelings intensely but instead of calling the entire relationship off, I combed my locs out. They were my pride and joy, I had nursed them like my babies watching them develop and grow from comb coils to beautiful sun kissed locs. I don't regret taking them down today, I've seen that we live in an extremely discrimination based society and women with locs aren't looked at or taken as seriously as a woman with a press and curl. There were things I didn't like about her and I changed them. In time I got her out of some of her ways, I should have never changed them, I should have walked away. She had an issue with me having male friends. When we started our relationship a majority of my friends were male. They looked at me as a little sister that hung out with the guys (mostly because the girls pissed me off). That's who I've been my entire life. I've been the girl who chills with all the guys but has their respect and gets the dirt on ALL the hoes LOL. I lost a lot of friends for that relationship, that should have never happened.
Lesson 5: Look before you leap
Never get in a relationship with someone to figure out who they really are along the way. Know that person, their values, beliefs and mannerisms ahead of time and that will probably keep you from going through Lesson 4. I was with this woman for a year and for some reason she still thought I was flashy and expensive when I'll take a pretty stone of the beach over a diamond any day... Ha! It tickles me to see how much I must really mean. People please if you don't do anything, just look before you leap.
So while I sit here thinking about the past year of my life, I can say that I learned a lot of lessons and I improved in many ways. I began to focus on my classes, making Academic Honors all year but I also missed out on a lot of girls nights, sleepovers in each others rooms and just hanging out because she didn't like that. When we broke up she said she wanted to be free... It hurt but as I was pleading for us to work things out, I realized... I just want to breathe. To my own beat. My own rhythm. My own style.
I wanted to be Victoria Ashley and not "represent" her in the process. It's no fun being "tied down" because that's exactly what you are. We suffocated each other in our own ways and all I can say is that I AM ME. I AM FREE AND IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD TO BREATHE.
.An Inspired Mind.
You know "they" say, whoever they are, to never make someone your everything because when they leave you are left with nothing.
Lesson 1: Thats not true.
When you love someone with your entire heart they become the center of your world. You do anything and everything to make them happy, laugh and smile. There's nothing wrong with that. The thing you must know is that if things don't work out, your life is not over. She's gone, but I'm still here and while at times I may be lonely and hurting because she's not calling me and telling me that she loves me, I have an obligation to MYSELF. When she came into my life I was strong, independent and intelligent. Now she's left out of my life and I owe it to myself to once again be strong, independent and intelligent ON MY OWN. Which takes me to
Lesson 2: COMPLETE YOURSELF FIRST
Your relationship will ALWAYS fail if you're looking for someone to complete you. I've learned this with my last relationship. If you aren't happy with yourself, you honestly can't expect someone else to be happy with you. If where you are in your life does not make you happy, if you look in the mirror and smile don't smile at yourself, don't be surprised when they aren't happy and don't smile at you. See my thing is this, I always go into a relationship with half of a heart expecting that person to give me half of theirs to complete my own. The issue with that is that one of us will always die, metaphorically speaking of course. If you give me half of your heart, what do you have left to live with? I may feel complete but you're half empty, how long can you last like that? Not long. Never again will I go into a relationship expecting someone to give me half of who they are. I have learned that I need to go in 100% committed to me, complete in myself. When you want someone to complete you sometimes you can be overwhelming and whenever they mess up it hurts you more than it should because you're attached to that person. I don't ever want to be dependent on someone else to make me happy. I have always been able to make myself smile.
Lesson 3: Keep yourself happy.
When you're miserable, your relationship is miserable. This comes from anything, trust issues, distance, homework, stress, family... anything that directly influences your mood can put a damper on your relationship. In my case, when you have two people who dream, breathe and live success, your relationship will fail because you are both over achievers in everything but "us". In time you begin to forget about "us", "we", "together", "relationship", "our happiness" and "quality/us time" and begin thinking more about, "me", "myself", "alone", "friendships", "my happiness" and "me time". Once this happens, there's really no turning back. In April right around my birthday I found out my now ex-girlfriend was flirting with women on the internet. That's about the time that "me-time" became more important that "us-time". That's about the time that my mind threw in the towel and said I quit. I was miserable... and in turn my relationship became a jail house for both of us. For her because I didn't trust her to go out, talk to people, use that specific website, or even leave her house. For me because I couldn't trust my girlfriend and because of that I felt trapped in love. I felt like I loved her so much but I was hurting so bad. My love kept me tied to her even though I was crying myself to sleep at night. I was miserable. My relationship was miserable.
Lesson 4: Never change yourself or your friends for your relationship
It's impossible to be happy with someone who wants to change things about who you are. In the beginning of my last relationship, she hated my dreadlocks. She talked about them something awful and even had the nerve to sniff them on our first date. That hurt my feelings intensely but instead of calling the entire relationship off, I combed my locs out. They were my pride and joy, I had nursed them like my babies watching them develop and grow from comb coils to beautiful sun kissed locs. I don't regret taking them down today, I've seen that we live in an extremely discrimination based society and women with locs aren't looked at or taken as seriously as a woman with a press and curl. There were things I didn't like about her and I changed them. In time I got her out of some of her ways, I should have never changed them, I should have walked away. She had an issue with me having male friends. When we started our relationship a majority of my friends were male. They looked at me as a little sister that hung out with the guys (mostly because the girls pissed me off). That's who I've been my entire life. I've been the girl who chills with all the guys but has their respect and gets the dirt on ALL the hoes LOL. I lost a lot of friends for that relationship, that should have never happened.
Lesson 5: Look before you leap
Never get in a relationship with someone to figure out who they really are along the way. Know that person, their values, beliefs and mannerisms ahead of time and that will probably keep you from going through Lesson 4. I was with this woman for a year and for some reason she still thought I was flashy and expensive when I'll take a pretty stone of the beach over a diamond any day... Ha! It tickles me to see how much I must really mean. People please if you don't do anything, just look before you leap.
So while I sit here thinking about the past year of my life, I can say that I learned a lot of lessons and I improved in many ways. I began to focus on my classes, making Academic Honors all year but I also missed out on a lot of girls nights, sleepovers in each others rooms and just hanging out because she didn't like that. When we broke up she said she wanted to be free... It hurt but as I was pleading for us to work things out, I realized... I just want to breathe. To my own beat. My own rhythm. My own style.
I wanted to be Victoria Ashley and not "represent" her in the process. It's no fun being "tied down" because that's exactly what you are. We suffocated each other in our own ways and all I can say is that I AM ME. I AM FREE AND IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD TO BREATHE.
.An Inspired Mind.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Independence Take Back
Whats good ya'll... I know its been a while. My bad.
I'm not gonna catch you up on whats happened or what you've missed. Naw. I'm gonna introduce you to the next chapter of my life. It's called INDEPENDENCE. See me and independence used to be real cool, like always together type cool, she had my back no matter what. I wasn't stuntin' a thing. It was just me and my independence.
See... somewhere within the last year of my life I think I pissed her off and uhh she dipped on my ass lol but now I need her back. I'm beginning to realize that every relationship I've been in has ended in one or two ways...
1. I'm smothering, clingy and they want some space
2. They cheated... probably as a result of number 1
So now I'm claiming independence back. I need her in my life. I have officially pissed off my girlfriend with my clingy ways and insecurities. The thing about me is that I know that I'm smothering and that's just me. But I also know that my smothering leads people to leave and cheat. So I have a hard time trusting because I know what my ways can do. So I try to tell myself she wouldn't cheat, she wouldn't hurt me but somehow my memory always backtracks to my past relationships where they all cheated and left. I can't take out their shit on her. But I know that I'm the problem. Shit, maybe I need a hobby or something. I always want to talk to her. I always need to hear her voice. I'm always texting her. I feel kinda pathetic. I feel like I've been through this before. I've tried to pull away and failed... horribly. But this time I've got to get it right.
I don't have any real hobbies anymore... Things I used to enjoy, I don't do anymore mostly because I'm always trying to be there for her but she doesn't need me all the time. Maybe I should start painting again, swimming?, crocheting, singing, hanging out with friends. I have to make me happy so that we can be happy. That's what she told me... I'm beginning to understand. I need to find some stuff I like to do and do it. I'm not going to plan my days around her anymore. I'm going to focus on me. I was all about me when I met her. I did my own thing. I enjoyed my own time. I fell in love and started wanting every second of every day to be with her. I forgot about me. I forgot about my happiness, my time, my fun. So right now I'm taking that back. I didn't think it was possible to be in a relationship and independent, but it is and if I don't start... I'm going to lose her. I'm going to do things that make me happy now. I'm going to stop worrying about talking to her before I do anything. I wont call her when I wake up anymore, wait... maybe I should still do that but not try to take over her entire morning lol.
So Independence, I need me and you to get back on it. Here are my goals, I will knock them out one by one.
1: I will not have my phone attached to my hip all the damn time.
2: I will turn my laptop off at night, its okay if I miss an instant message.
3: I will put my phone on vibrate at night, it's okay if I miss a call
4: I will not check in before and after I do everything
5: I will spend more time thinking about me than her
6: I will not call her back to back. I will call, if she doesn't answer I'll send a text saying what I wanted and move on.
7: I won't be sad when she doesn't want to talk to me. I'll be cool and keep it moving.
8: I WILL NOT BE DEPRESSED BECAUSE WE AREN'T ALWAYS TALKING
Maybe I should turn this into a game... At the beginning of every week (Sunday) I'll start off with 20 points. Every time I break one of these goals I'll subtract one point and if I have less than 10 by Saturday I will punish myself by no facebook for 3 days and no texting for 1. If on Saturday I have 15 or more points I will add 2 to my minimum of 10 and if I have 10-14 points I will add 1 to my minimum for the next week.
Wish me luck! I got this!
.An Inspired Mind.
I'm not gonna catch you up on whats happened or what you've missed. Naw. I'm gonna introduce you to the next chapter of my life. It's called INDEPENDENCE. See me and independence used to be real cool, like always together type cool, she had my back no matter what. I wasn't stuntin' a thing. It was just me and my independence.
See... somewhere within the last year of my life I think I pissed her off and uhh she dipped on my ass lol but now I need her back. I'm beginning to realize that every relationship I've been in has ended in one or two ways...
1. I'm smothering, clingy and they want some space
2. They cheated... probably as a result of number 1
So now I'm claiming independence back. I need her in my life. I have officially pissed off my girlfriend with my clingy ways and insecurities. The thing about me is that I know that I'm smothering and that's just me. But I also know that my smothering leads people to leave and cheat. So I have a hard time trusting because I know what my ways can do. So I try to tell myself she wouldn't cheat, she wouldn't hurt me but somehow my memory always backtracks to my past relationships where they all cheated and left. I can't take out their shit on her. But I know that I'm the problem. Shit, maybe I need a hobby or something. I always want to talk to her. I always need to hear her voice. I'm always texting her. I feel kinda pathetic. I feel like I've been through this before. I've tried to pull away and failed... horribly. But this time I've got to get it right.
I don't have any real hobbies anymore... Things I used to enjoy, I don't do anymore mostly because I'm always trying to be there for her but she doesn't need me all the time. Maybe I should start painting again, swimming?, crocheting, singing, hanging out with friends. I have to make me happy so that we can be happy. That's what she told me... I'm beginning to understand. I need to find some stuff I like to do and do it. I'm not going to plan my days around her anymore. I'm going to focus on me. I was all about me when I met her. I did my own thing. I enjoyed my own time. I fell in love and started wanting every second of every day to be with her. I forgot about me. I forgot about my happiness, my time, my fun. So right now I'm taking that back. I didn't think it was possible to be in a relationship and independent, but it is and if I don't start... I'm going to lose her. I'm going to do things that make me happy now. I'm going to stop worrying about talking to her before I do anything. I wont call her when I wake up anymore, wait... maybe I should still do that but not try to take over her entire morning lol.
So Independence, I need me and you to get back on it. Here are my goals, I will knock them out one by one.
1: I will not have my phone attached to my hip all the damn time.
2: I will turn my laptop off at night, its okay if I miss an instant message.
3: I will put my phone on vibrate at night, it's okay if I miss a call
4: I will not check in before and after I do everything
5: I will spend more time thinking about me than her
6: I will not call her back to back. I will call, if she doesn't answer I'll send a text saying what I wanted and move on.
7: I won't be sad when she doesn't want to talk to me. I'll be cool and keep it moving.
8: I WILL NOT BE DEPRESSED BECAUSE WE AREN'T ALWAYS TALKING
Maybe I should turn this into a game... At the beginning of every week (Sunday) I'll start off with 20 points. Every time I break one of these goals I'll subtract one point and if I have less than 10 by Saturday I will punish myself by no facebook for 3 days and no texting for 1. If on Saturday I have 15 or more points I will add 2 to my minimum of 10 and if I have 10-14 points I will add 1 to my minimum for the next week.
Wish me luck! I got this!
.An Inspired Mind.
Monday, May 3, 2010
deciding to live
The decision to take another breath in a day is the biggest decision one will ever make.
We get so stressed out over trivial bullshit, what outfit to wear, why he or she cheated, who we are, whats on the radio... lol... we forget that we've already accomplished the biggest task of them all. We exhaled... and we continued to breathe.
We as a people must stop and breathe, yes, it is a blessing that you woke up this morning, but you are inhaling right now because you told yourself to. That is the biggest task of them all. To stop breathing is to end the beauty you hold.
Now while you're breathing, you may cry, want to die, feel your insides ripped out, and again want to die. But because you took that last breath... and this one... and that one, you're stronger than you believe.
Stop stressing and make the biggest decision one can make.
LIVE.
We get so stressed out over trivial bullshit, what outfit to wear, why he or she cheated, who we are, whats on the radio... lol... we forget that we've already accomplished the biggest task of them all. We exhaled... and we continued to breathe.
We as a people must stop and breathe, yes, it is a blessing that you woke up this morning, but you are inhaling right now because you told yourself to. That is the biggest task of them all. To stop breathing is to end the beauty you hold.
Now while you're breathing, you may cry, want to die, feel your insides ripped out, and again want to die. But because you took that last breath... and this one... and that one, you're stronger than you believe.
Stop stressing and make the biggest decision one can make.
LIVE.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A letter from my mind to my heart
Dear Beautiful;
I noticed you were struggling and I saw your tears. I have something I think you should know. I think you should know that you're amazing and it's okay to be on your own. I know you're hoping for things to be okay and for her to come back with open arms but just in case. It's okay to be alone. It's okay to think for yourself and not have to consider someone else. I know it's hard to walk away from the one you love by force and not by choice but it doesn't have to be hell. You are a beautiful, strong and very intelligent young woman. I know you feel like you just lost the world, but sweetheart so did she. It's okay to cry. It's completely normal that you feel lost. I know that you're no longer motivated because she was your goal but it's okay now. You can be your own motivation, your own cheerleader and you make a new goal.
You know, if she loves you as much as she says she does, it wont be easy for her to walk away either. If she does walk away then she wasn't meant for you honey. If she walks away from you then she was meant to be a lesson, to help you grow and to prime you for the woman who is going to come and be "The One". It's okay to believe in fairy tales but know that every fairytale is different. Every story has a different ending. No one is in charge of how yours turns out except you. I know you feel like it shouldn't be this hard because you haven't seen her in months but when you love someone, years could go by without seeing them and you'd still feel horrible when they left. Yes, I know... you were supposed to be ready. I know, you weren't supposed to cry. I know that the things she says cut into you deeper than imaginable. I also know that you can take anything from anyone. About a year ago you were unstoppable, remember that? A year ago you knew who you were, what you stood for and what you wanted out of life. Bring that beautiful woman back out.
If she doesn't come back just remember, there is no guilt in loving her. There is only pain from having her walk away from you. And while you may feel like a lost puppy who's owner just dropped them off in a park and left when you weren't looking... You will find your way. Engulf yourself in your work, find a new passion to keep you busy. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe you should start latch-hooking again! Make some new pillows! Crochet a new blanket! Start a scrapbook of this summer. Yes... I know you planned on spending your time with her this summer especially with you having your car. Yes... I know you planned on waking up in her bed on weekends and she just didn't know it yet. I know... but it's okay. She's a good woman and so are you. Maybe you two just aren't at a point where you can work together. I know you don't want to hear that but... maybe in a few months when her life becomes a little more sane and when you calm down a little bit everything will go back to the way you remembered it.
Hold on to the way she looks at you when you were sitting on her lap, remember how you laughed together, don't ever forget the way she used to hold you in your sleep. Remember the kisses and how she always wanted more. How she would smile at you whenever you looked at her. Take the good memories with you and start walking down a new path, if she decides to grab your hand and pull you back, WONDERFUL. If she doesn't, don't be hurt just realize you're growing into a wonderful woman and I'm sure she knows that too. Both of you together can work this out, but it takes two and you're tired and she doesn't act like she cares very much. Stop stressing. Study for your finals. Stop calling her. Send her a goodnight text and tell her to have a good night at work and then in the morning if she doesn't call you, call her when you get up. Take it one day at a time. If she doesn't answer, try again the next day. It will be okay.
You are a beautiful, strong and intelligent young woman and in you all things are possible.
.An Inspired Mind.
(literally)
I noticed you were struggling and I saw your tears. I have something I think you should know. I think you should know that you're amazing and it's okay to be on your own. I know you're hoping for things to be okay and for her to come back with open arms but just in case. It's okay to be alone. It's okay to think for yourself and not have to consider someone else. I know it's hard to walk away from the one you love by force and not by choice but it doesn't have to be hell. You are a beautiful, strong and very intelligent young woman. I know you feel like you just lost the world, but sweetheart so did she. It's okay to cry. It's completely normal that you feel lost. I know that you're no longer motivated because she was your goal but it's okay now. You can be your own motivation, your own cheerleader and you make a new goal.
You know, if she loves you as much as she says she does, it wont be easy for her to walk away either. If she does walk away then she wasn't meant for you honey. If she walks away from you then she was meant to be a lesson, to help you grow and to prime you for the woman who is going to come and be "The One". It's okay to believe in fairy tales but know that every fairytale is different. Every story has a different ending. No one is in charge of how yours turns out except you. I know you feel like it shouldn't be this hard because you haven't seen her in months but when you love someone, years could go by without seeing them and you'd still feel horrible when they left. Yes, I know... you were supposed to be ready. I know, you weren't supposed to cry. I know that the things she says cut into you deeper than imaginable. I also know that you can take anything from anyone. About a year ago you were unstoppable, remember that? A year ago you knew who you were, what you stood for and what you wanted out of life. Bring that beautiful woman back out.
If she doesn't come back just remember, there is no guilt in loving her. There is only pain from having her walk away from you. And while you may feel like a lost puppy who's owner just dropped them off in a park and left when you weren't looking... You will find your way. Engulf yourself in your work, find a new passion to keep you busy. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe you should start latch-hooking again! Make some new pillows! Crochet a new blanket! Start a scrapbook of this summer. Yes... I know you planned on spending your time with her this summer especially with you having your car. Yes... I know you planned on waking up in her bed on weekends and she just didn't know it yet. I know... but it's okay. She's a good woman and so are you. Maybe you two just aren't at a point where you can work together. I know you don't want to hear that but... maybe in a few months when her life becomes a little more sane and when you calm down a little bit everything will go back to the way you remembered it.
Hold on to the way she looks at you when you were sitting on her lap, remember how you laughed together, don't ever forget the way she used to hold you in your sleep. Remember the kisses and how she always wanted more. How she would smile at you whenever you looked at her. Take the good memories with you and start walking down a new path, if she decides to grab your hand and pull you back, WONDERFUL. If she doesn't, don't be hurt just realize you're growing into a wonderful woman and I'm sure she knows that too. Both of you together can work this out, but it takes two and you're tired and she doesn't act like she cares very much. Stop stressing. Study for your finals. Stop calling her. Send her a goodnight text and tell her to have a good night at work and then in the morning if she doesn't call you, call her when you get up. Take it one day at a time. If she doesn't answer, try again the next day. It will be okay.
You are a beautiful, strong and intelligent young woman and in you all things are possible.
.An Inspired Mind.
(literally)
Weak
I am 85% dead and 10% lost and 5% sane right now
I feel weak...
I had to force myself to eat for the first time today at 3:30... I feel like I'm going to throw it up.
I can't concentrate on studying for my finals...
I'm scared... I feel alone... I feel bare.
nothing is right anymore....
.An Inspired Mind.
I feel weak...
I had to force myself to eat for the first time today at 3:30... I feel like I'm going to throw it up.
I can't concentrate on studying for my finals...
I'm scared... I feel alone... I feel bare.
nothing is right anymore....
.An Inspired Mind.
This Wasn't Supposed To Hurt
This was supposed to be easy...
I said I wouldn't care.
She tripped out on me... Over a friend I've had for YEARS!
Why the hell am I surprised?
Thats the reason I didn't tell her in the first place. Because she trips about EVERYTHING.
So... She's gone and I think this time for good. I'm trying to stop myself from chasing after her. I'm trying really hard. It's so hard. I keep telling myself that she ain't shit. I deserve better than she could ever give. Which is true. But I love her... or Did I used to love her?
I was officially fed up with her shit Sunday... I WAS TOO DONE. Monday she pushed me over the edge and Tuesday she's gone. Why am I hurting? She's said so many hurtful things to me. She's been the biggest bitch I've ever met for the last 4 months. There have been days when I wanted to tell her that I hate her. So why am I hurting? Why do I give a fuck?! For the last few months she's hurt me more than she's made me smile. She's cheated with internet bitches. She's lied to me. She's been a horrible girlfriend. Why do I fucking care?! I hold on to the woman I used to know. I hold on to the woman I fell in love with, who like I said in my last blog... I ain't seen that woman since October. The woman who loved me so much and showed it everyday no matter what. Could have a hard day and still smile at me.
I'm going to heal in time. Rebuild the woman I am, pick up the pieces of who I was and start over. I gave damn near a year of my life to her... I gave her everything I had. Never cheated, Never looked at anyone else, Never wanted anyone else. I was guilty of loving her, missing her like hell and dealing with her bullshit. But you know what she's been an unappreciative bitch for a while now. She hasn't cared about me or my feelings for months. She walked away from me like I'm not shit to her. Just an accessory that she didn't want anymore.
Well... I can name some shit I don't need anymore
1. Her flipflopping attitude problem. She's happy one second, irritated and mad the next. I'M GOOD.
2. Her bullshit. Just in general all the extra shit I have to deal with being with her.
3. Her insecurities. It's not my fault she doesn't trust me. She has so many damn trust issues. I'm so tired of having that bullshit taken out on me when I NEVER deserved.
My hair was falling out because I was stressed about my relationship. I've been walking on eggshells for MONTHS.
I AM A BEAUTIFUL, HIGH SPIRITED, WONDERFUL WOMAN. I care about the world and the things in it (except spiders and mosquitoes)
No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren't appreciated, cared for, wanted, needed or loved.
So if all this is fucked up and wrong... Why do I love her so much? Why do I want her here? Why?!
.An Inspired Mind.
I said I wouldn't care.
She tripped out on me... Over a friend I've had for YEARS!
Why the hell am I surprised?
Thats the reason I didn't tell her in the first place. Because she trips about EVERYTHING.
So... She's gone and I think this time for good. I'm trying to stop myself from chasing after her. I'm trying really hard. It's so hard. I keep telling myself that she ain't shit. I deserve better than she could ever give. Which is true. But I love her... or Did I used to love her?
I was officially fed up with her shit Sunday... I WAS TOO DONE. Monday she pushed me over the edge and Tuesday she's gone. Why am I hurting? She's said so many hurtful things to me. She's been the biggest bitch I've ever met for the last 4 months. There have been days when I wanted to tell her that I hate her. So why am I hurting? Why do I give a fuck?! For the last few months she's hurt me more than she's made me smile. She's cheated with internet bitches. She's lied to me. She's been a horrible girlfriend. Why do I fucking care?! I hold on to the woman I used to know. I hold on to the woman I fell in love with, who like I said in my last blog... I ain't seen that woman since October. The woman who loved me so much and showed it everyday no matter what. Could have a hard day and still smile at me.
I'm going to heal in time. Rebuild the woman I am, pick up the pieces of who I was and start over. I gave damn near a year of my life to her... I gave her everything I had. Never cheated, Never looked at anyone else, Never wanted anyone else. I was guilty of loving her, missing her like hell and dealing with her bullshit. But you know what she's been an unappreciative bitch for a while now. She hasn't cared about me or my feelings for months. She walked away from me like I'm not shit to her. Just an accessory that she didn't want anymore.
Well... I can name some shit I don't need anymore
1. Her flipflopping attitude problem. She's happy one second, irritated and mad the next. I'M GOOD.
2. Her bullshit. Just in general all the extra shit I have to deal with being with her.
3. Her insecurities. It's not my fault she doesn't trust me. She has so many damn trust issues. I'm so tired of having that bullshit taken out on me when I NEVER deserved.
My hair was falling out because I was stressed about my relationship. I've been walking on eggshells for MONTHS.
I AM A BEAUTIFUL, HIGH SPIRITED, WONDERFUL WOMAN. I care about the world and the things in it (except spiders and mosquitoes)
No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren't appreciated, cared for, wanted, needed or loved.
So if all this is fucked up and wrong... Why do I love her so much? Why do I want her here? Why?!
.An Inspired Mind.
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