The Reality of A Bad Dream

Hey there,

Last night I had a horrible dream that has really been tearing me apart. Yesterday I told you about how my mom and Rhajah were getting along and how they liked each other at this point. Well... I talked to my grandmama about it and how happy I was and it was like she didn't even care. Like the fact that my mother was condoning my relationship and inviting me and Rhajah to the house whenever we so choose to come disgusted her.

I cannot even explain to you the pain that caused in me and how it has only grown today. I honestly don't believe thats it possible to love pieces of people... either you take them for who they are and love them fully or you don't love them at all... At this point I'm feeling pretty unloved.

I'm honestly tired of my grandmother. Every time I get mad at her and tell her how I feel she tells me I'm being rude and disrespectful and that she is my mother figure and that my mother hasn't done anything for me and she's been the one who raised me and took care of me. Thats not true and I hate it when she says it. My mother offered me a home, it may not have been the best household but it was a home. She fed me and took me to school. She got me clothes when I needed them and while I always felt like the odd ball out she was there. I chose to leave. She didn't ask me to and she didn't put me out, I left. At a certain point you just get sick of feeling like no one cares and you get tired of being hit and talked to like you are nothing. But just because I left does not mean that she can throw the fact that my mother may have made some mistakes in my face. Quite frankly I think that trait was passed down from my grandmother to my father because he's no better when he's upset.

I think this may be the most emotional thing I've written in a very long time. I have a headache from crying but I dont care because it feels good to cry.

Back to my dream... I had a "nightmare" that my mother supporting my relationship tore our entire family apart. My grandmother wouldn't talk to me or my mom, she didnt want to see my little brother and sister because they really liked Rhajah. My grandfather was more miserable than usual. My mother didn't care about my grandmother being pissed off but she was hurt because she really cares about my grandfather and my grandmother wouldnt let the kids come see him. All of this because of my lifestyle, if I was heterosexual it wouldn't matter.

When I was in highschool I had a history teacher named Mr. Cona. I really looked up to him and wanted to be just like him because he was so cool. One day in class he said something that I didn't really understand, I was just coming out at school and no one really cared. My friends were still my friends and nothing changed. The boys that liked me respected my lifestyle and became almost like my brothers so I had no clue what life would be like after I walked out of Avondale High. So in this class one morning somehow we got on the subject of homosexuality, no one was really against it, everyone was just like hey whatever do what you want to make you happy. Cona said, "I admire homosexual people. Why would anyone choose to live that lifestyle with all the bashing, all the hate, heartache and dismay that comes with it." That day I sat there thinking what in the world is this man talking about. My life was grand, nothing had changed and I got to be with a woman who at that time made me happy. Now, I understand.

Most people dread getting older and growing up because of the responsibility that comes along with it. I dread it because reality tastes really salty.

An Inspired Mind