Disappointed

Hey... today is Tuesday, November 22, 2011...

Today... I disappointed myself.

I allowed the same thing that hurt me yesterday to hurt me today.

Today someone I used to adore... someone I used to smile for... broke me down and I don't know if I can forgive this person for the things they said to me... if I even have it in me to try to forget it...

I feel so drained of life... like the words sucked the nurturing love of my soul right from my body... and all I could do was sit there and ask why?

Why do I deserve the things I go through?

Why do I cry over and over again about the same shit?

Why do I keep allowing myself to walk back into battle when I'm already wounded?

And I pray.... but maybe I'm praying for the wrong thing...

I'm tired ya'll...

I'm weaker than I've ever been in my life... I've got all this mouth on me lol and for the first time in my life... I barely have the strength to stand up for myself...

Here's my video I did today about my day... Sorry if it's a tad bit all over the place, my mind doesnt work in a specific order and I'm sleepy lol

Peace & Love

Self Discovery

Hello...

My writing from this point on for as long as it takes will be about finding out who I really am. I'm starting a self-discovery process because I've lost so much of myself and I'm taking charge of my life and who I am again! See I feel like I put so much effort into trying to be everything that I'm not and to please the people around me that I can't keep myself happy and that's not okay. I want to be my first love again, second to none other than GOD!

My goal?
I'm going to laugh and smile again. Take myself out and have fun by myself
When I'm done, when I've reached a solid foundation with myself... I'm going to know everything about myself and when someone asks me, "Who are you?" I'm going to be able to say more than just my name...

So... Here's Day 1:

Today is Monday, November 21, 2011 and I am weak.

My name is Victoria and I have absolutely no clue as to who I am. I have no clue what I want out of life, what I love, what my passions are and who I want to be. Today I got my feelings hurt by something that shouldn't be able to touch me. Today I decided it was time for me to love me more than I love anything other than God. Today I'm actually going to take that step.

I've decided that I'm going to start taking care of me! I'm going to work out or walk everyday to get my body taken care of and for my mind, body and soul... I'm doing this... I'm writing again. I'm letting my mind debrief itself and let go of baggage. That's my rule... once I've written it down, I can't dwell on it.

Today is a big day for me... Today is the day I decided to appreciate myself and my God. :)

Today I'm more than just1inspiredmind

I'm Victoria Ashley

and Today is a new day :)

Please Stay...

I'm sitting here in my kitchen chair,
Reminiscing on what it was and what was there...
Tears hit my keyboard as I envision you here
Ripping my chest into pieces
Tearing my soul from my existence
How do you love so deep?

As I beg and plead,
No baby don't leave...
I need you to be here...
I need you to lead...
ME.
How do you love so deep?

Grease my scalp just one more time...
Whisper gentle everythings in my ear as I lay in your skin...
Take me past cloud 9 with your presence.
Don't touch me,
Wait... Hold me.
Pull me closer,
Love me dearly...
How in the world do you love so deep?

*Song Change*
Now playing
Ledisi- In the morning/alright

Baby...
My heart...
Will you love me?
Past my indiscretions...
Past my annoying tendencies
Will you love me?
Can you see me?
Human and bare...
I've never gone there...
I've spilled it all
I've told my tale.

Looked into your eyes
I showed you my soul
And while I'm not perfect
My spirit is Gold.
Move with me,
Grow with me.
Love me enough to trust me...
Just.
Once.
More.

Breathe with me.
Everything is everything...
It's Alright.

I'm not crying wolf... I'm crying love.
I'm leaping but I'm looking...
Catch me one more time?

*Song change*
Kem- Share my life

It took me a while...
I'm always behind.
I love you more than words explain.

I'll give you my heart,
I'll promise my love.
Compassion and sensitivity towards your every move.
I move when you move.
No more brick walls.
I heard you the whole time...
I just didn't know how to.....

Be
WhoINeeded2Be.

Can you trust me one more time?
Go out on a limb just once...
I won't let you fall...
It's a scary trip,
Trusting someone...

You're my heart and my joy...
Share my life...
You can trust in me
You're all I want.

EVERYTHING I NEED.

I really mean it bae...
I'll give you what you want baby
If you want it
YOU CAN HAVE IT
BABY IT's YOURS!

My love
My trust
My compassion
My eyes
My heart
My hands
My being
My soul
My world.

*Song change*
Heather Headley
In My Mind

Who am I?
My name is Victoria Ashley Esnault
I am 21 years old, born April 11, 1990 4:23am.

Born... Here.
Raised... Hopping between family members

I am a loving, trying to be independent young woman who fell in love.

I was secretly afraid to lose you...

I was secretly afraid I wasn't enough...

I am majorette, flag girl, President of 3 organizations...

Lover of music, Inspirer of Dreams.

Believer in Fairytales

And In my mind I'll always be your lady

*Song Change*
Lyfe Jennings- Stingy

I Get it...

I really understand.

I don't wanna share you with nothing...

I'll give you the air I breathe...

I'm sorry it took me so long to see.

I want you back in bed with me...

*Song Change*
Ledisi- Pieces of me

I want you to know me from the outside-in to the inside-out

I'm bearing all.

I should have done this a long time ago...

Pieces of Me:

I love peruvian lillies, long walks through trees...

Olive Garden is my weakness but there's a little spot on Opdyke called Alfocinnos that I die for

My weakness is flowers, dinner for two and quality time just me and you

My strength is my family, your love and God's will.

School isn't really the most important thing to me...

I had a miscarriage when I was only 15.

I lost myself when I lost my baby...

My grandmother wanted me to have an abortion... My grandmother...

She said she would kick me out, I would have no where to go...

I prayed for God to give me a second chance and I would never have unprotected sex again...

I lost my baby girl.

But it was my prayer... right?

I got my first girlfriend at 16.

My family turned on me anyway...

When I was 19, I lost myself again...

I felt like I was spiraling downward

In a relationship with a woman who didn't care 2 craps about me

I went to counseling twice a week.

Trying to figure out who I was and what was wrong with me?

Why wasn't I lovable?

Was I just too plain?

Looking back at my past...

The abuse, neglect....

Did I have nothing to gain?

Suicidal Moments

Rejection of self.

They thought I needed anti-depressants and psychiatric help

I stopped going to counseling, I wasn't gonna take any pills

They said I was moody, that talking helped to level me out.

I said, what does she know, drugging me up wouldn't help.

I got back into my religion when I turned 20...

My grandmother tried to raise me catholic...

but Catholocism wasn't doing it.

The Anti-Christ left me the day before my birthday...

I engulfed myself in God and said I would never lose it.

Summer of 2010 was the most sane I had ever been.

I wasn't flipping out, having flash backs, just my normal nightmares

I found someone who leveled me out, someone who really cared

I found a woman who was brilliant but I didn't tell her everything I didn't dare

I fell in love with this woman and decided to give her my all

I'd never done that before but she was the exception I always wanted...

She made me grow, she loved me flaws and all...

Even when I told her my deepest and darkest secrets...

She took it blow for blow...

I started to lose it again...

I should have went back to counseling...

And when I lost myself this time...

I kinda lost her too...

And now I'm gaining my sense of self and fighting to gain her too

She is the love of my life...

My other half, through and through...

And I just want you to know that while I'm a little off I can't lose you...

So in the words of Ledisi...

Please Stay...

Meditation Blab 8/26

So recently I've noticed that I stress myself out by overthinking, keeping waaayyy too much to myself and not blabbing enough. So when I meditate I try to release all tension and all thoughts from my mind. I've come up with the Meditation Blab and I encourage others to do it with me. I find it difficult to let things go until I talk about them so I may not write every day but I will definitely write 3-4 times a week to keep myself from having an "Autistic Moment" here and there... there were probably some chuckles from those of you who know what my autistic moments are, especially those of you who have witnessed my little breakdowns lol. 

Today I woke up exhausted at around 1pm I believe. I worked my first midnight shift last night and I was only supposed to be there from 11pm to 4am but I ended up staying until 7am to just knock it out. The night went pretty well, I had fun and a lot of laughs during training. I doubt I've mastered it but I definitely have a good enough idea to do it myself. 

I've been looking a lot at my skin lately... seeing my spots show up more and more on my body... It's like once a week I have to convince myself that even if I do lose my color in some places I'll still be beautiful... I used to be afraid of people with pigmentation disorders when I was younger... it used to scare me how half of a womans face could be chocolate smooth brown and with spots of white and yellow. But when I look back at it... she was beautiful with her salt and pepper hair. I've decided that if my skin ever gets to that point I'm going to buy a dalmation and we're going to match lol :)

Thanks to an amazing friend of mine I am no longer over stressing about graduation and when I'll get there. I've realized that I'm only human and that I'm rushing this for my parents and my grandparents but I'm not enjoying college. I only get to get my first degree ONCE. So I've decided to take my time on these last few credits and let it ease on by.

It's crazy how I slept in my Queen size bed by myself for about 16 years without any problems but now... it's lonely and I hate being in it... more than anything in the world, I hate it. 

My house is cluttered and it's driving me insane but I don't have the energy to clean it and organize it. 

Tomorrow I'm cooking yams, brocolli and cheese, short ribs, greens and maybe a pound cake when I wake up. I'm craving something real, sick of eating microwaved food from my house and every fast food restaurant within 5 miles of 322 Glenbrooke St.

I'm looking forward to Greenfield Village next week, I've never been and a certain someone has been telling me about how amazing it is for over a year now lol

Today was Yates Cider Mill's opening day... I wish I would have went but maybe I can squeeze that into next week... we're just going to call that my BREATHING week... the week between summer and fall semesters...

I don't like apple juice warm... It really bothers me but I don't like ice in it either... restaurants are going to have to do better.

I'm still uber excited about my townhouse... I've already started thinking about the small menu for my housewarming party..... 

Capri suns are nasty warm too...

Oh and I'm pretty sure I passed my history class :)

I think that's all I've got.

Until Next Time,

Madness Released. :)

Grown Up Heartbreak

So... this is what grown up heartbreak feels like...
No more all night crying,
I sleep through my anxiety,
I'm tough
I'm raw
Say what I want to say
Do what I wanna do

So... this is what grown up heartbreak feels like...
I yell instead of crying
Even though every syllable that comes out of my mouth has me slowly dying
To have you in my face
Only an arms reach away but
You're on ghost mode.
I reach for you and my fingertips go straight through
Only to pierce your soul in a way that is...
Minimal.

So... this is what grown up heartbreak feels like...
Eyes burn from anger not tears
Even though I feel them coming
I can't
I won't
1 simple melodic heartbeat slowly churns itself to become two
offbeat
unsynced
lies

So... this is what grown up heartbreak feels like...
Walking down a path of sharp rocks but you see the light at the end of the tunnel
You look up to see that silver lining on a cloud
So I guess that rationalizes the blood that seeps from the bottom of your feet
As you walk every extra mile
The definition of insanity
Doing the same thing
Over
and Over
And OVER
again
expecting a change to happen...

They said I was psychotic...
I disagree...
I'm insane
and I guess that's just what grown up heartbreak does.

Internal Struggles

So... maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm the idiot who fell for someone a little too hard, a little too fast. 

Maybe I should look harder before I leap.

Maybe everything really isn't what it seems.

Maybe love and trust are all a game.

Maybe it was meant to be this way.

It's not your fault I'm hurting...

I just don't want to cry.

I'm internalizing all my pains so that I can wipe your eyes.

Maybe this is foolish.

Maybe I'm just blind.

Jumping into one relationship when you haven't left the other one behind.

So my pains are all my problem.

They are all my fault.

I pray for guidance and I get no response.

I'm lost in a world of deceit and lies.

If you're hurt who's going to wipe my eyes?

I'm sick of hearing her name.

I'm tired of you caring.

How am I supposed to take my place,

If I feel like I'm constantly sharing.

Somethings got to give,

This isn't what I wanted.

Now everyday just feels like another day that's haunted.

Every time I'm with you, her name comes up.

Now I'm starting to wonder why you're even moving your stuff...

You care too much,

I don't even have your full heart.

I'll probably never get it,

It was all a game from the start.

She plays and you play back.

Both of ya'll are addicted to a game,

I've been there, done that.

I see where this is going,

It ain't looking good.

My heart wants to pull out now 

It will only hurt a little...

But something tells me you need me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the glue that holds you together.

I'm the sanity that keeps you strong.

But this shit is getting old. 

You said I wouldn't ever have to deal with her...

You told me that part of your life was done...

But for some reason she knows all our business and what's to come.

So forgive me if I'm bitter

Excuse me if I'm rude

But it's my place as your woman to be a tad bit prude. 

I want to run in the opposite direction

But it hurts too much to leave

I love the way you make me feel

I love your touch, 

How our conversations have always been so real.

I love how you make me smile and how I can do the same 

But I'm beginning to feel like I don't belong.

I'm scared that you'll push me away

I'm terrified that nothing I do matters

I work my ass off to understand

I do things just to make you smile

But when it comes down to it...

I always lose...

She always ruins it.

So what am I supposed to do?

I feel like I'm in a relationship with you and her

Her fuckin' name comes up so much I get sick

I just want to call it quits

You don't know what you want

And me? I'm already sick of this shit.

I just can't leave you and internally...

I'm crying.

I'm dying.

I'm stressing.

I'm lying.

I'm burning.

I'm sighing.

I'm hurting.

But I'm trying...

Disappointed... But Why?

Good Morning Good People!

So, today, well last night I felt like an idiot and it's carrying over into this morning. As you well know from my last blog, me and Rhajah broke up. About a week and a half after our breakup she asked me if I could see her starting over with me... Of course I said yes. I mean I did think she could start over if she tried. She asked me out on a date that Saturday (2 weeks ago) and I went. It was great! We went back to the places we went on our first date a year ago. Walked the beach again, I sat in her arms again and felt like I was where I belonged. We did something new though, something I had been talking about for a while. We had a picnic and barbecued right off the beach. It was great, we put the grill together, together lol. It was hot as hell but we still enjoyed each others company. She fed me grapes, strawberries, polish sausage and even corn on the cob as I laid back soaking up the sun. When I kissed her my world felt right but my heart was still hesitant. After our picnic we packed up and went to the antique car show, which she absolutely hates, but I'm into that kind of stuff so she sucked it up and walked through it with me. I kinda realized that it was a mistake when she snapped on me about ice cream... I guess I took to long deciding if I wanted it or not... That threw me off but I brushed it off. After the car show I took her home and I couldn't hold it in anymore. There were so many questions I needed answered. We talked for about 30 minutes and got everything out in the open but I still didn't believe it or her. We planned another date for 2 weeks from then (this Saturday). We decided that we wouldn't try to pick up where we left off but that instead we were "Starting over, better". I left there with a sore heart. 

Since that weekend, things have been nice. We've talked but not all day, everyday. Just when we could squeeze each other in because I was so busy with school and she works too much so... it is what it is. Wednesday night her cell phone got turned off and I wasn't trippin because I thought it was going to be turned off Tuesday and she was supposed to pay the bill Tuesday. I figured she had gotten really busy and didn't have time. Then Thursday I know she has a morning class from 8am to noon so I just knew after class she would go pay the bill... no... she didn't. So I sent emails, beginning to worry. No response. So my insides are churning because I'm uneasy. So finally as a last resort I send a message to her on Yahoo Messenger, I just so happen to know her screen name because we aren't friends on anything. Her ass had the nerve to write me right back saying she would get it turned back on tomorrow. Mind you, I've been going through hell in my house for the past few days and I needed her to be there for me. Did she care? No. She said, "I gave up that obligation baby." I asked her if we were still on for Saturday... She says she doesn't know because she's really busy. I'm laughing because she hasn't changed for shit. I'm crying because I wanted her to at least be able to keep her word for ONCE. I'm hurting because I was looking forward to going to the arcade, go kart racing and laser tag with her. I'm pissed because I should have known. 

I'm disappointed, but why? 

She's always planned shit and had to cancel. ALWAYS. She's never been able to keep a date. And then I realized that this was supposed to be her trying to start over with me not me holding us together like I used to. I'm not about to be the glue in something that she's supposed to be trying to rebuild. If I'm not that damn important then fuck it. She planned a date 2 weeks ago. If she couldn't plan her schedule around that date it just shows me how much regard she gives me. None. So I deleted her out of my phone only to realize I needed her in my contacts so I could select the "Automatically send calls to voicemail" button next to her name. Since I'm so unimportant to her and my feelings just don't matter I put her in my phone as what I am to her, "Not Important". I'm sick of being a last priority, I dealt with that shit when we were together. I'm tired of her cancelling everything I look forward to. So... I'm not going to give her anything else to cancel. I'm sick of her ripping my heart into pieces depending on her mood, so I'm taking my heart back, as much as it may hurt. She'll never have it again because she doesn't know how to treat it. I will no longer care, I won't run back... to what? Someone who can't fit me into her schedule? Lol yea right. And the bad thing is that I told her before we even went on our first date that I don't fit into her goal of retiring by 35, I have no place there. She planned it without having a partner so... while I could try to squeeze myself in, it's a very uncomfortable squeeze that I'm not up for. I quit. Maybe one day she'll be willing to work as hard for me as she does for her retirement. And maybe when that day comes I won't want to basically spit in her face like she did to me. 

She probably wouldn't like that, but right now I don't care about her feelings, I don't care whether she would like it or not. I don't care about her heart, which barely exists at all. I don't care. I'm not here for her anymore, I'm not an ear to listen, I'm not. I'm not a caring person who will always be there. You know what... Simply put...

"I gave up that obligation baby."


And now I need to work on finding scholarships so that I can go to University of Arizona for grad school because right now, she's not worth me staying in Michigan.

.An Inspired Mind.