So Much and It's just Jan. 3rd

Hey hey!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!


It's 11:17am... and this is the first time since my last blog that I've felt able to talk...


My life seems to play games with my sanity. New Years Eve I was fully prepared to go into 2010 with a positive attitude and no stress... January 1st my life came to halt.


I don't even really want to get into it because I'm trying to forget the pain and the fear that I felt but to sum it up Rhajah got into a car accident and all hell broke loose in the world. She got hurt but thankfully she will heal... I tried to be there for her and make the best decision I knew how and ended up doing exactly what she didn't want me to do... so at 3 am I was single because my girlfriend believed I left her in the cold...


It hurt because I thought I was doing the right thing but I didn't have all the information or details so my decision would have hurt her more than help. I honestly think that fact broke my heart more than her leaving me... I would never do anything to hurt her... not purposely... Even still today 2 days later my heart hurts so badly because if her mother would have listened to me I would have hurt the love of my life... 


I feel guilty because she's in pain. I know it's not my fault and I may not have had anything to do with her accident but I feel responsible for her pain. I wish I could take it all away from her, I wish there was something I could do. 


My heart hurts... I haven't heard her voice in what feels like days but I don't want her to waste breath talking to me... I want to be there. I want to be able to help her. I don't want her to have to move a muscle... 


My best friend told me that if Rhajah could forgive me for making the wrong decision thats half the battle. She told me that the rest would be on me... To be patient. To understand. To be there. While patience isn't my strong point I feel like I've taken my vow to her to be here through everything, good or bad, sick or in health and rich or poor... She is my world and for her anything is possible and nothing is too much or too hard...


I guess this is what real love feels like. Knowing she's in pain makes me sick to my stomach and I just want to cry. Seeing her continue on makes me smile because she's so strong but I still want to cry because I want to do everything for her and let her rest. I feel like a horrible girlfriend for not being there, for not kissing away pains, not helping her do the little things that may be harder than usual. 


What kind of woman am I to sit here and watch her hurt... I damn near hate myself for that...


It's not my fault... But somehow, someway it is.