So... For the first time in a long time I'm content in myself.
For the first time in a long time her hurtful nature isn't stabbing me in my heart.
For the first time ever I'm not going to cry.
I'm not sure what I'm in anymore. I'm not in a relationship... I guess maybe I'm stuck in between "This is never going to work between us" and "But Once Upon A Time...". I know last night had me at my wits end (we're not going to get into that because I don't want to talk about it anymore) and this morning was no better, actually a tad bit worse. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I'm holding on to. It's definitely not love that I'm grasping onto... that stopped being accessible months ago. So today, right now, what am I holding onto?
I have no fucking clue. I am lost in her world, but finding my way in my own. This morning my mind said "fuck you" to her... and for the first time my heart was backing up my mind. I'm in something thats not a relationship with a woman who doesn't appreciate me for who I am, doesn't see how hard I try, only notices my cons and never my pros... What kind of life is that to live? I can't talk to her about a damn thing because she has no emotions. At least none I've ever been exposed to. She doesn't care about how I feel. She doesn't want to hear about my feelings. She lives her life on her own schedule and if the shit I'm talking doesn't coincide with her daily plans (which it never does) it's irritating and she doesn't feel like going through "this shit" with me today... (as if the right day will ever come).
I'm tired. I feel like I'm wasting my time. She doesn't want me and it's quite evident. She blames me for not being there. She throws it in my face that this is a long distance relationship because we never spend time together. I'm just 30 fucking minutes up the freeway. I'm so tired of excuses... Want to know why I stopped being so spontaneous? It's hard to be spontaneous with someone who always says no. She doesn't like talking to me. I get irritated when she calls me and sounds like I'm the last person she wants to talk to. It makes me want to remind her that she doesn't have to fucking call me. She tells people that yea she's in a relationship but it's long distance. Maybe I should start saying, "Yea I'm in a relationship but my girlfriend is an unappreciative asshole." I wonder if she would give a damn then. My relationship used to be happy. We had a talk and decided that we wanted to make us better and get things back to the way they were, once again I feel like I'm busting my ass ON MY OWN. Why should I go out of my way to do nice things and put her first the rare times I get to talk to her these days when she doesn't even fucking notice?
I'm tired of feeling like I'm not shit to her. I hate that she doesn't see my efforts. It breaks me into pieces that I can't do shit right for her. It would be nice to hear her say thank you for what I do. But you know what? Inside of myself, I'm happy. I'm fine. I'm smiling. I'm laughing. I feel pretty damn good. I know who I am and I love EVERYTHING about me. Me and a good friend of mine had a really interesting conversation yesterday, we were talking about her relationship and she said something around the lines of, "Just because you love someone doesn't mean they are meant for you". I'm accepting that. I feel in love with the woman I met. I haven't seen her since... October? Yea, about October. I don't even know who she is anymore and at this point I'm not sure I care to know. This person who she is now hurts me. It's like I can tell when she just stopped giving a fuck about me. She used to censor what she said to me. She used to think about what she said before she said it. She used to think about my feelings because I'm sensitive! I can't remember the last time she looked out for my heart. She couldn't care less about me or how I feel.
She's working day and night now. I'm on my own and I feel like I'm single. She's like that friend who calls every once in a while just to check in and say hey then she has to go again. She's like the love you want but you can't have because every time you reach for it, it doesn't have time to stop. All I can do is me, I can only be me. No more and no less. I can't give my whole self to her anymore, why would I? She doesn't notice anyway. I filled my summer with classes because I knew she wasn't going to have time for me. But see as I sit here writing this even now I'm noticing, she's going to be too busy for me. Too busy to work on us.
I'm not sure if she just doesn't care to make our thing thats not a relationship better or if she just doesn't have time to... either way it's not going to end nicely because...
For the first time I know I'm not wanted.
For the first time I know I'm not needed.
And for the first time... it doesn't hurt.
I guess that's just a little thing we like to call
LIFE.
.An Inspired Mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment