Who Is Victoria Ashley?

Hey everyone

So... this morning was really hard for me and rhajah... It was hurtful but... It was real.

For the last 8-9 months I've changed so much about myself to try to be what she wants because it just seemed like she didn't like anything about me. I took down my dreadlocks to make her happy. I stopped talking to a majority of my friends. I pretty much ostracized myself from the world... Then today she tells me that she wants the old me back, she misses who I was. It's impossible for me to go back to that. Why? Because she had a problem with the old me. The old me was outgoing, sweet, happy, spontaneous, hanging out with friends, talking on the phone to my friends, making new friends everywhere I went, chillin' with my new friends just all in all wonderful. Not a damn stress in the world.

I walk on eggshells in my relationship. I don't have many friends anymore. I have no one to talk to except her. I don't go out with my friends anymore because I'm scared she'll get mad. I don't laugh as much because I don't see anything to laugh about. She misses who I was but she killed her. I'm afraid to talk to my friends on the phone. Two of my closest friends are lesbians, studs at that and I can't even talk to them because I'm scared my girlfriend will blow up. Why should I smile? I can't be myself. She doesn't like me being social, she doesn't want me hanging out with people. She killed my personality. When I'm in class I'm laughing, I'm silly, fun-loving. Not a damn stress in the world. When I get back to my room, its eggshells. I can be myself around everyone but her.

See she doesn't want the old me back, I don't think she realizes that she hated the old me. I smiled, laughed, was always happy and carefree because I was me. I was free to be whoever it was that I wanted to be. I could talk to who I wanted without worrying. I can't have company, I can't have friends that are guys and barely any that are girls. She was turning me into her. Anti-social and lonely. That may work for her but I'm social. I love people! I love being in crowds and talking and laughing and exchanging ideas! Thats who I am. She killed that. She hated it. She complained. She yelled about it and she broke up with me for it a few times.

So someone tell me, what the hell am I supposed to do? The only way I'm going to be "the old me" again is by becoming me again. I don't even know who I am and thats because I've changed to be whats okay with her. I should have never done that. I don't regret taking my hair down. I love my hair no matter how it is! But... I hate that I have to walk on eggshells for her. I hate that I can't be myself because she gets mad. Yet she says she loves the old me?

She wouldn't let me be the old me... how the hell could she miss it?
I tried to change myself to fit what she liked... and in turn I made myself miserable. I clung on to her because she's all I have. My friends are gone. My life is school, work and Rhajah. Thats it. I'm smothering? No shit. That's because she wouldn't let me breathe. I had my own air supply! I was living my own life with my friends, new friends and random ass people lol I was breathing just fine but as our relationship progressed slowly but surely she was taking my air. She took my friends one by one. She took my social atmosphere. All I had left was her.

I WANT THE OLD ME BACK TOO! But I can only have one or the other. Her or Me.

To most that wouldn't even be a question... To me... It's a huge question.

.An Inspired Mind.