A Not So Happy Valentine

Hey Everybody!

Today is the day before Valentines Day and I'm not a very happy Valentine... I have swollen eyes because I've been crying all day on and off because I'm extremely hurt. My heart hurts so much in ways it's never hurt before...

This morning was pretty good, I woke up and watched Xmen with Rhajah, it was a pretty good movie, I enjoyed it a lot. I really thought our day was going to be good. She was so soft spoken with me, so kind, so sweet this morning... And then as every good day goes with her... it burned to hell.

Let me give a little history on me and Valentines Day... V-Day and me have a pretty horrible history. I usually get my heart broken right b4 V-Day and it ruins the whole holiday for me... In my past few relationships I didn't get anything for V-Day, it was almost like the day didn't even exist... Even though my past doesn't represent V-Day very well I've never given up on it. So this year I just knew it was going to be wonderful! I just knew! I was going to see Rhajah, we were going to have fun, enjoy each others company and just have a good time like we usually do together... She told me that she didn't know if we were going to do anything for V-Day but deep down I just really believed that she was going to do something special for me... I do everything in the world for her... I just knew something wonderful would happen... No, I was wrong... better luck next lifetime.

So a few hours after I finished XMen she called me and acted like a complete and total asshole (excuse my language). She blew up in my face, telling me how she wasn't going to waste her money and that I'm basically just adding to her stress. She didn't see a point in doing a big V-Day when my birthday is in April and I'll be transferring to school out there in May... It hurt so bad, but I was still okay. Then she goes on to tell me that she thinks I'm being childish moving out there and that I'm just adding onto her responsibilities... "I want you out here but I think you're being childish" What kind of love is that? What kind of support is that? I don't want to be with someone who's going to shut me down and talk about me, lose all respect for me and my thoughts just because. I honestly think she's bipolar or something. One day she'll be excited and happy talking about how she's gonna come cook or bring me dinner, how we'll spend time together and have a good time and then the next day I'm stupid, childish, selfish and stressful... I honestly don't know how to make her happy and it's making me very very bitter. I just wish she would either be happy or shut up. So that's when I lost it... the tears started falling because moving closer to her and transferring schools is like the highlight of my life right now and to her... I'm just another stress and one more responsibility. I didn't even feel loved. I damn sure didn't feel wanted...

So of course she didn't understand why I was crying. I even told her I would call her back when I felt the tears coming because I knew she wouldn't understand. She told me to stay on the phone and listen... I did. So I cried... and I cried hard and being the insensitive person she can be sometimes she says, "I don't even know why you're crying" and she hangs up on me... My heart has never hurt that badly... I've been lied to, cheated on, screwed over and so much more... but I've never loved anyone as much as I love her and I think that's why I'm so hurt.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being conveniently loved. This is not how I saw my future... She loves me when she's happy or I did something for her and any other time I'm just a waste of space breathing air... or at least thats how I feel... I'm tired of her not understanding how her words cut me into little pieces... I'm just tired.

So about 30 minutes after she hung up on me, I'm still crying and I get a text message from her saying she's sorry and for me to try and enjoy my day... I couldn't even respond... I was so hurt and pissed off that she would say those things to me and then apologize! I wanted to tell her to go to hell and take her bs with her... but I couldnt. So I used the 2nd Golden Rule couldn't think of anything nice to say... so I didn't say anything at all. And then she sent me another text so I said, I'll try and to try and make it sound caring I added a baby in there. So I'm pissed off, sitting in my room, still crying, feeling a headache coming on (which I still have btw)... she texts me again saying she's a shitty girlfriend and she wouldn't be mad if I left and I'm sitting there thinking, yea you are sometimes and I wouldn't be mad either at this point and then someone knocks at my door...

Flowers...

They were gorgeous... How could I be mad when I have beautiful flowers in my hands... wonderfully arranged in a red vase with a big red bow. It was perfect and they made me happy until I called her and she answered... It was like as soon as I heard her voice all my pains rushed back and all of a sudden I was bitter, I didn't want to talk and I was trying not to show it. I felt unappreciated, taken for granted, stupid and I was tired of it. I want to be loved fully, completely, unconditionally and maybe I'm wrong but I feel like I will NEVER get that from me because the second she gets mad at me... she doesn't love me... or at least she doesn't show or act like it.

I should have never gotten my hopes up for spending time with her. I should have known that she wouldn't understand how important this holiday is to me... but I went all out for Sweetest Day... or at least I tried to before she came and changed my plans. I don't need flowers, spa treatments, and that other crap... All I wanted for Valentines Day was her...

Guess not...

.An Inspired Mind.