Realization...

Hey Ya'll!

I hope you're doing okay. Happy Valentines Day!!! 


So this year on Valentines Day I've been given one of the best presents any person could ask for. And I know if you've read my blog from last night you probably think that I'm losing my mind lol but I promise I'm not. This year for Valentines Day I've been given insight. 


Last night Rhajah called me so upset with me because of my blog... And honest to goodness I didn't mean to hurt her or upset her with it... I just wanted to air out some feelings you know? Just debrief... She was so pissed off. She wouldn't let me call her baby because she didn't know if it was genuine and she even asked me if I was just pretending to be nice when we first got on the phone...


Last night I realized that I'm the asshole in our relationship. I realized that I'm the one who always pushed for more, I always want something, nothing's ever good enough... I realized that even though I said we didn't even need to have a Valentines Day, deep down I really wanted one. I realized that I'm a selfish, unsatisfied bitch... I mean wow... Rhajah got me the most beautiful flowers in the world, I mean they are perfect! And I don't know how she knew but it was like all my favorites in one vase. I love them! But I was still sad that I wasn't going to be able to feel her arms around me at night. 


She's not the major issue in our relationship, it's me. And I've never been able to see that until now. She tries to give me the world and I just ask for more... This is not the person I want to be. AT ALL. I hate people like me... So, I'm going to do something about it.


I'm really in deep shock, I don't even know what to feel. I'm kinda disgusted with myself and admiring her... How could she deal with me for this long? 


So Rhajah, if you're reading this... I'm sorry... I didn't realize that I was so hard to deal with... I didn't realize that I'm such a bitch sometimes. I'm really sorry. I'm going to work my butt off to change that. I do appreciate you and I'm so sorry that it rarely shows. You do so much for me and I just never even take the time out of my day to really think about it all. I think we balance each other out when it comes to give and take in a relationship but there's no need to give when the other person doesn't appreciate it. So I'm sorry, all these times that you've called me selfish and unappreciative... You were right... I just wasn't seeing it.

I see it now. I'm changing it now. I'm bettering myself. I'm becoming the woman I need to be. The first step to correcting a problem is noticing it's there. 


I am lucky to have such a wonderful woman in my life. She's amazing and she's real about her shit. She takes care of business first and plays later. She's absolutely irreplaceable and it's time I started acting like it. I don't deserve her, but I will.


You know maybe that's the reason I felt so unloved and unappreciated... Maybe because thats how I treat her... Treat others the way you want to be treated and those good deeds will be done onto you. 


She is my world, the stars in my sky and the other half to my heart... I love this woman more than I knew love allowed one to love. I don't ever want her to walk away from me, so it's time to work on some things.


.An Inspired & Determined Mind.