Thanks Mr. Jackson

Hey everyone!

So right now I'm sitting in my dorm, listening to Mr. Michael Jackson (he's somethin like my hero)... Sorry I haven't been writing recently... I guess my stress has been taking over my life. I try to smile though... Never let em see your pains, right? Right now Michael Jackson seems to be the only thing or person keeping me sane... I just don't know anymore. I don't know much of anything.

I'm so stressed in almost every aspect of my life but mostly school. I swear if this crap wasn't a necessity to survive I would have said forget this a LONG time ago... Homework, Exams, Study this, Study that, Meeting here, Meeting there... my counseling isn't even helping anymore... Everyone wants to come to me with their own problems and ask me for help but... I feel like I'm at the edge of a nervous breakdown myself. I'm sick of it all. I don't want to be bothered... I just want to be held... reassured... kissed and understood... I want to feel like someone cares.

I feel like I'm falling apart and no one notices... and the one person who's the closest to me and should notice my downward spirals doesn't even care, she just turns her back on me and tells me I have too many feelings... and I'm laughing right now because I'm not sure if I find that situation or myself pathetic. LOL! Oh... this life is just too much. She's busy and always tired and I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to fix everyone's problems without time for my own.

--hold on... gotta update my facebook status--

Victoria Ashley got her phone issues together but please don't be shocked/hurt/upset if a call or text doesn't get answered. I'm mentally tired & I need some time for myself. So no offense everyone but... SCREW UR PROBLEMS, ISSUES & ANYTHING U MAY BE GOING THROUGH. Grow up & do something about it. I'm human too & guess what! I have my own stresses. Just leave me be til further notice. k... goodbye. (that felt really good btw)

Boy oh boy did that feel wonderful!! Lol! I mean seriously... I'm tired and I feel like I have no where to turn. And on top of my stresses I keep having these horrible nightmares... Rape, Abuse, Heartbreak, Pain... I'm not sleeping... I'm forcing myself to eat... Literally. I have an alarm on my phone that goes off every 3 hours during the day telling me to eat something... 

I know Rhajah loves me and I love her more than anything, everything... She knows that. She just doesn't fully understand me and that's okay because right now... I don't either. I want to blame my stupid birth control... I switched brands on Friday and I want to say thats the reason I'm sitting on my bed crying my eyes out like a little bitch (please excuse my language)

Sometimes it really gets to me that I love helping people. It's one of the things I do best! I have to help people, I take on everyone's problems and solve them but that leaves no time for my own. I love to be a leader and because of that I stress myself out with RHA and forget about myself.

I cant wait to let go of it all. My parents gave me hell about transferring to University of Michigan-Flint... finally they gave in because I wasn't giving up but the fight to get their support stressed me out past the definition of stress... I'm just tired. I want a break. I want to spend time Rhajah. I want to relive our first date and walk the beach again; play with the sand with my toes, walk through the park, sit on a bench and just look at her, watch the water flow from the falls as her arms go around my waist... How I long to relive that day... She gave me the best day of my life and she doesn't even know it. 

I'm beginning to rethink my major and it's a little late for that... smh... I'm trying to figure out how in the world my behind is going to be a Social Worker when I stress myself out over other people's stress... But that's all I want to be... That's where my passion is. So I guess I have to learn how to regulate and control my stresses. Stop letting other people's shit become my shit (excuse my language). That's one thing I adore about Rhajah... her skill of just not giving a damn (excuse my language)... She's real good at that and she can turn her sympathy and apathy off like a light switch. 

So... i'll continue to breathe. As long as I'm inhaling and exhaling I'm doing better than someone right now... (bad way to look at it... but the truth). I'll try to control my stress... look up some relievers... I'll put my water fountain back together... the sound of water seems to be the only relaxant I know of... Any suggestions? 

Sorry if my thoughts were kinda everywhere tonight...

.An Inspired Mind.