Freedom

I'm sitting on my bed recollecting on a conversation I had with a very close friend this morning... So as I sit here on my bed blasting Erykah, I think.

I think about me.
I think about every piece of me that has diminished from this woman I've become
I wonder if this is who I'm destined to be,
or... what someone determined for me.
I think about emptiness.
The definition of me.
A soul that flies free
Not willingly...
But trust me, this body just ain't the place to be.
I wish my soul would take my mind and set it free
Free from the worrying
Take my heart and along with it my pains
Take my doubts
Hell,
I was always worried about her taking her past out on me...
I can't help but take mine out on her...
I should have known this was gonna happen...
I close my eyes to try to rid my worries,
The circle my head, spit in my face and go right back.
I meditate to try to rid my pains
They float above my body and when the 30 minutes is up...
They take their place right back in my heart.
I want to be FREE.
I want to love like I used to.
Full hearted
Unafraid
Unharmed
I want to be FEARLESS
I want to trust her.
She's never done anything to me.
She's never hurt me
She looks out for me
And little does she know
She kisses away my pains
I don't want to fuck this up
But my sub conscience being has a different plan
My sub conscience being hides her love and shows me the pains
It amplifies her insults and silences her compliments.
I want to be FREE.
I want to LOVE like I used to
I want to look in the mirror and feel good
I want to think I'm beautiful...
I want to be FREE
from misconceptions
judgement
pain
distrust
I want to be FREE
I want everyday to feel like she's here...
She is capable of taking all my pains and my struggles with just a touch...
I want to feel like that every day
She makes me feel beautiful when she looks at me...
I want to feel that every day
I'm sick of crying and not wanting her to see my pains
So now I'm at my final straw...
Little does anyone know that I struggle throughout the day
I cry myself to sleep, less now than before but at least once a week...
Not because of her...
Because of me.
My baby is real...
She doesn't hold shit back
But because of my own insecurities I just take that...
Every relationship I've been in, with the exception of one, ended in heartbreak and pain
They all cheated when I thought things were fine...
And now... I'm getting close to a year and I'm sitting here scared
and it shows...
I don't know how to stop it
I know she won't hurt me...
I can't take out what everyone else did on her.
I can't. I shouldn't.
But I do.
I feel alone because she's so busy and she doesn't like being with me or talking to me all day...
Last time someone did me like that...
They cheated...
They lost interest.
Maybe she hasn't but she's going to if I don't pull it together.
And here we go...
My mind says, "So! Let her go. This isn't your fault, its a 2-way street"
My heart says, "Victoria... you better find a way to fix this"
But is it broken?
No...
Is she broken?
Probably not.
So the problem is ME
I want to quit
Apparantly I care ALL THE WRONG WAYS
I can't do anything right
I always make her mad...
I don't know anything except
I love her.
I WANT TO BE FREE
from all that!
from all this!
from heartache and pain
I don't want these trust issues anymore!
I don't want to wonder whether she really loves me!
I know she does!
See somebody is trying to fuck with my head...
AND I'M DONE.
I'm not gonna be the Devil's Rag Doll.
Oh no.
So all these thoughts?
BE GONE.
All the days I think about ending it all, including my existence?
YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE.
Negativity?
WHAT'S THAT?
I have to let this be what it's gonna be...



I wish it was that easy...
For 5 minutes... I felt free.

.An Inspired Mind.