UP and down... UP and down...

So... the title of this blog is my life... no... scratch that. It's the story of the relationship that I don't even know if I have anymore lol. I'm so irritated and so upset that everything is just funny. My eyes want to cry but my mentality is just like lmao. I don't understand!

So I don't really wanna get into exactly what happened because I honestly don't know. We were talking about her meetings that she's going to and she made some comment and I said, "I'm not even thinking about you." and she said, "I know." and some other shit after that. So I'm like good! You cant be mad at something that's your own fault! You wanted to "slow down" and take things one day at a time... well the only way I know how to back off and not always be around is to not give a damn about you. True Story. Do I love her? Absolutely. But if she doesn't want me around I'm gone which is what I've been doing. Shit I've felt single for what, 3 days now?

I think I may have hurt her feelings a little yesterday when I was talking about going out of state for grad school and she wasn't anywhere in my plans, but you know what, that's because I don't feel like I'm in hers. Like I said before when she said her future wife and the love of her life isnt a college student my dreams with her left with a piece of my heart which that sentence just took.

Do I think we can work through this? Hell yea. I think that together we can get through anything because we are both strong women. But in the same token we are both independent women who like shit our way or no way at all. So will we work through it? Probably not, because she only thinks about herself when it comes to our problems. When I want to sit down and really talk about the issue and find a solution its, "I don't even wanna talk about this," or "Here we fuckin' go again," or the even better one, "I'll just talk to you tomorrow... maybe." She reminds me so much of my granddaddy it's ridiculous.

Am I worried? No. About what? For what? She doesn't care enough about me to come back without me begging and I'm done begging her. I'm always begging her... I'm done! I don't want to do it anymore. If she doesn't give a fuck enough to come back on her own then she didn't love me. Love Trumps Pride... I just don't think it will for her...

Am I hurting? Yea... I am. I'm hurting because I love her and I don't know how to deal with her. I'm bitchy, I'm hurting and it's all because of her hurtful ass words that she wont even apologize for... Hell yea I'm hurting. I feel like shit. It's been 8 months and I feel like she will never love me the way I love her. She would never beg for me to stay with her. She probably wouldn't alter who she is for me like I've done for her. I'm sitting here trying to remember who the hell I was before July. I don't even remember.

Here's what I think... I think she was ready to leave last week. I think she came back (after me begging) because after 8 months you get used to someone. I don't think she came back because she loves me, she doesn't want to live without me... Nope. I think she was just comfortable. You know early in our relationship in October we broke up in my room and I was driving her home and she told me that she didn't want to live without me... In October I believed her. If she said that to me now... I would probably laugh because until she sits down and apologizes for what she said to me, until she makes me feel like I'm loved or cared about again... All that "i don't wanna live without you" bullshit just seems like GAME. And I don't have time for it.

I want a woman I can trust, depend on, know that no matter what she has my back... yea I can get that from her. But what I can't get is unconditional love, understanding, compassion, selflessness... I can't get that from her unless I'm sitting right in front of her face. That hurts me... A LOT.

I don't know... I hope we work this out. I hope things get better because she means a lot to me... but if it doesn't... Well, it wasn't meant to.

.An Inspired Mind.