July of 2009 I came across the most wonderful woman in the entire world... She was smart, funny, caring and so sweet. She was there, ALWAYS. She worked but in her day she found time to send me a message, even if it was just a smiley face and a message saying, "Hope to talk to you later". I was in a completely different relationship when this woman appeared and swept me off my feet. She made me laugh, blush, smile and laugh harder. She was a comfort... I didn't think I would be with her but within a short period of time there was no one else I could think of. I found myself telling my girlfriend at the time about this woman who was absolutely grand. My relationship was on the rocks because of it too lol and then finally I left my girlfriend to be with this woman who captivated my thoughts.
I knew that she was gonna be my future, my love and my life but something happened... in my mind I made her my future, I made her my one and only but I don't think she made me the same. Or maybe she did and I lost it... I don't know... But ever since our "break up" last week I think... My heart has just been crying. Crying out for her to comfort me but it hasn't happened... I hurt from the words she said to me... I hurt because I know I hurt her without even trying... I hurt because I can't let go of the fact that "her future wife and the love of her life is not a college student"... I cry because with that sentence went all my dreams, and I doubt she knows or even cares. There was nothing I wanted more than to be with her forever, but now I'm just trying to figure out what I am to her...
She loves me but I honestly just don't think she wants to be with me, I think she just wants to date me. There's such a huge difference. It hurts me to my core. I mean that sentence... "her future wife and the love of her life is not a college student" it cuts me daily... more than once a day and I fight back tears knowing that I'm not what she wants to be with just whats here right now... I go through the day hoping that she will say something that makes me feel like more than just an accessory to life and each day, night comes and my heart still hurts. She's so busy now... I mean I'm busy too but I don't know... I knew she was going to be busier as summer got closer but I kinda just feel blown off. I mean she didn't even answer my calls or texts yesterday after noon... Not even a random, "I love you" text like she always sends... but those seem to be forced these days too. Maybe this is a way of someone telling me to put myself first again. She doesn't want to be my everything but I love her and because of that, that's just where she belongs and stays... She doesn't care whether she's my world or not... In a way I don't care whether I'm actually her everything or nothing at all... I just want to feel like I'm something ALL THE TIME. Not just when life's not hectic... i don't know...
Maybe I am needy, maybe I do want too much. Maybe it's my fault I feel like this because I made her into my future in my head... Maybe it's my fault because I love her too much... Maybe we should switch places for a day so I can see where she's coming from as far me being smothering and she can see how I feel when she just doesn't care about me or whether I'm with her or not. Maybe we should have never made it official so quickly... Maybe the fact that I'm social and my own person will be the reason we don't work. Maybe her attitudes and lack of compassion and caring will be the reason I leave... Or maybe the way I kiss her and show her my love in all those "feminine ways" will be the reason we last a lifetime... Maybe the way I can depend on her for anything and the softness that shows in her eyes when she looks at me will seal the deal one day... But for now...
It's just complicated...
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