Realization...

Hey Ya'll!

I hope you're doing okay. Happy Valentines Day!!! 


So this year on Valentines Day I've been given one of the best presents any person could ask for. And I know if you've read my blog from last night you probably think that I'm losing my mind lol but I promise I'm not. This year for Valentines Day I've been given insight. 


Last night Rhajah called me so upset with me because of my blog... And honest to goodness I didn't mean to hurt her or upset her with it... I just wanted to air out some feelings you know? Just debrief... She was so pissed off. She wouldn't let me call her baby because she didn't know if it was genuine and she even asked me if I was just pretending to be nice when we first got on the phone...


Last night I realized that I'm the asshole in our relationship. I realized that I'm the one who always pushed for more, I always want something, nothing's ever good enough... I realized that even though I said we didn't even need to have a Valentines Day, deep down I really wanted one. I realized that I'm a selfish, unsatisfied bitch... I mean wow... Rhajah got me the most beautiful flowers in the world, I mean they are perfect! And I don't know how she knew but it was like all my favorites in one vase. I love them! But I was still sad that I wasn't going to be able to feel her arms around me at night. 


She's not the major issue in our relationship, it's me. And I've never been able to see that until now. She tries to give me the world and I just ask for more... This is not the person I want to be. AT ALL. I hate people like me... So, I'm going to do something about it.


I'm really in deep shock, I don't even know what to feel. I'm kinda disgusted with myself and admiring her... How could she deal with me for this long? 


So Rhajah, if you're reading this... I'm sorry... I didn't realize that I was so hard to deal with... I didn't realize that I'm such a bitch sometimes. I'm really sorry. I'm going to work my butt off to change that. I do appreciate you and I'm so sorry that it rarely shows. You do so much for me and I just never even take the time out of my day to really think about it all. I think we balance each other out when it comes to give and take in a relationship but there's no need to give when the other person doesn't appreciate it. So I'm sorry, all these times that you've called me selfish and unappreciative... You were right... I just wasn't seeing it.

I see it now. I'm changing it now. I'm bettering myself. I'm becoming the woman I need to be. The first step to correcting a problem is noticing it's there. 


I am lucky to have such a wonderful woman in my life. She's amazing and she's real about her shit. She takes care of business first and plays later. She's absolutely irreplaceable and it's time I started acting like it. I don't deserve her, but I will.


You know maybe that's the reason I felt so unloved and unappreciated... Maybe because thats how I treat her... Treat others the way you want to be treated and those good deeds will be done onto you. 


She is my world, the stars in my sky and the other half to my heart... I love this woman more than I knew love allowed one to love. I don't ever want her to walk away from me, so it's time to work on some things.


.An Inspired & Determined Mind.

A Not So Happy Valentine

Hey Everybody!

Today is the day before Valentines Day and I'm not a very happy Valentine... I have swollen eyes because I've been crying all day on and off because I'm extremely hurt. My heart hurts so much in ways it's never hurt before...

This morning was pretty good, I woke up and watched Xmen with Rhajah, it was a pretty good movie, I enjoyed it a lot. I really thought our day was going to be good. She was so soft spoken with me, so kind, so sweet this morning... And then as every good day goes with her... it burned to hell.

Let me give a little history on me and Valentines Day... V-Day and me have a pretty horrible history. I usually get my heart broken right b4 V-Day and it ruins the whole holiday for me... In my past few relationships I didn't get anything for V-Day, it was almost like the day didn't even exist... Even though my past doesn't represent V-Day very well I've never given up on it. So this year I just knew it was going to be wonderful! I just knew! I was going to see Rhajah, we were going to have fun, enjoy each others company and just have a good time like we usually do together... She told me that she didn't know if we were going to do anything for V-Day but deep down I just really believed that she was going to do something special for me... I do everything in the world for her... I just knew something wonderful would happen... No, I was wrong... better luck next lifetime.

So a few hours after I finished XMen she called me and acted like a complete and total asshole (excuse my language). She blew up in my face, telling me how she wasn't going to waste her money and that I'm basically just adding to her stress. She didn't see a point in doing a big V-Day when my birthday is in April and I'll be transferring to school out there in May... It hurt so bad, but I was still okay. Then she goes on to tell me that she thinks I'm being childish moving out there and that I'm just adding onto her responsibilities... "I want you out here but I think you're being childish" What kind of love is that? What kind of support is that? I don't want to be with someone who's going to shut me down and talk about me, lose all respect for me and my thoughts just because. I honestly think she's bipolar or something. One day she'll be excited and happy talking about how she's gonna come cook or bring me dinner, how we'll spend time together and have a good time and then the next day I'm stupid, childish, selfish and stressful... I honestly don't know how to make her happy and it's making me very very bitter. I just wish she would either be happy or shut up. So that's when I lost it... the tears started falling because moving closer to her and transferring schools is like the highlight of my life right now and to her... I'm just another stress and one more responsibility. I didn't even feel loved. I damn sure didn't feel wanted...

So of course she didn't understand why I was crying. I even told her I would call her back when I felt the tears coming because I knew she wouldn't understand. She told me to stay on the phone and listen... I did. So I cried... and I cried hard and being the insensitive person she can be sometimes she says, "I don't even know why you're crying" and she hangs up on me... My heart has never hurt that badly... I've been lied to, cheated on, screwed over and so much more... but I've never loved anyone as much as I love her and I think that's why I'm so hurt.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being conveniently loved. This is not how I saw my future... She loves me when she's happy or I did something for her and any other time I'm just a waste of space breathing air... or at least thats how I feel... I'm tired of her not understanding how her words cut me into little pieces... I'm just tired.

So about 30 minutes after she hung up on me, I'm still crying and I get a text message from her saying she's sorry and for me to try and enjoy my day... I couldn't even respond... I was so hurt and pissed off that she would say those things to me and then apologize! I wanted to tell her to go to hell and take her bs with her... but I couldnt. So I used the 2nd Golden Rule couldn't think of anything nice to say... so I didn't say anything at all. And then she sent me another text so I said, I'll try and to try and make it sound caring I added a baby in there. So I'm pissed off, sitting in my room, still crying, feeling a headache coming on (which I still have btw)... she texts me again saying she's a shitty girlfriend and she wouldn't be mad if I left and I'm sitting there thinking, yea you are sometimes and I wouldn't be mad either at this point and then someone knocks at my door...

Flowers...

They were gorgeous... How could I be mad when I have beautiful flowers in my hands... wonderfully arranged in a red vase with a big red bow. It was perfect and they made me happy until I called her and she answered... It was like as soon as I heard her voice all my pains rushed back and all of a sudden I was bitter, I didn't want to talk and I was trying not to show it. I felt unappreciated, taken for granted, stupid and I was tired of it. I want to be loved fully, completely, unconditionally and maybe I'm wrong but I feel like I will NEVER get that from me because the second she gets mad at me... she doesn't love me... or at least she doesn't show or act like it.

I should have never gotten my hopes up for spending time with her. I should have known that she wouldn't understand how important this holiday is to me... but I went all out for Sweetest Day... or at least I tried to before she came and changed my plans. I don't need flowers, spa treatments, and that other crap... All I wanted for Valentines Day was her...

Guess not...

.An Inspired Mind.

Thanks Mr. Jackson

Hey everyone!

So right now I'm sitting in my dorm, listening to Mr. Michael Jackson (he's somethin like my hero)... Sorry I haven't been writing recently... I guess my stress has been taking over my life. I try to smile though... Never let em see your pains, right? Right now Michael Jackson seems to be the only thing or person keeping me sane... I just don't know anymore. I don't know much of anything.

I'm so stressed in almost every aspect of my life but mostly school. I swear if this crap wasn't a necessity to survive I would have said forget this a LONG time ago... Homework, Exams, Study this, Study that, Meeting here, Meeting there... my counseling isn't even helping anymore... Everyone wants to come to me with their own problems and ask me for help but... I feel like I'm at the edge of a nervous breakdown myself. I'm sick of it all. I don't want to be bothered... I just want to be held... reassured... kissed and understood... I want to feel like someone cares.

I feel like I'm falling apart and no one notices... and the one person who's the closest to me and should notice my downward spirals doesn't even care, she just turns her back on me and tells me I have too many feelings... and I'm laughing right now because I'm not sure if I find that situation or myself pathetic. LOL! Oh... this life is just too much. She's busy and always tired and I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to fix everyone's problems without time for my own.

--hold on... gotta update my facebook status--

Victoria Ashley got her phone issues together but please don't be shocked/hurt/upset if a call or text doesn't get answered. I'm mentally tired & I need some time for myself. So no offense everyone but... SCREW UR PROBLEMS, ISSUES & ANYTHING U MAY BE GOING THROUGH. Grow up & do something about it. I'm human too & guess what! I have my own stresses. Just leave me be til further notice. k... goodbye. (that felt really good btw)

Boy oh boy did that feel wonderful!! Lol! I mean seriously... I'm tired and I feel like I have no where to turn. And on top of my stresses I keep having these horrible nightmares... Rape, Abuse, Heartbreak, Pain... I'm not sleeping... I'm forcing myself to eat... Literally. I have an alarm on my phone that goes off every 3 hours during the day telling me to eat something... 

I know Rhajah loves me and I love her more than anything, everything... She knows that. She just doesn't fully understand me and that's okay because right now... I don't either. I want to blame my stupid birth control... I switched brands on Friday and I want to say thats the reason I'm sitting on my bed crying my eyes out like a little bitch (please excuse my language)

Sometimes it really gets to me that I love helping people. It's one of the things I do best! I have to help people, I take on everyone's problems and solve them but that leaves no time for my own. I love to be a leader and because of that I stress myself out with RHA and forget about myself.

I cant wait to let go of it all. My parents gave me hell about transferring to University of Michigan-Flint... finally they gave in because I wasn't giving up but the fight to get their support stressed me out past the definition of stress... I'm just tired. I want a break. I want to spend time Rhajah. I want to relive our first date and walk the beach again; play with the sand with my toes, walk through the park, sit on a bench and just look at her, watch the water flow from the falls as her arms go around my waist... How I long to relive that day... She gave me the best day of my life and she doesn't even know it. 

I'm beginning to rethink my major and it's a little late for that... smh... I'm trying to figure out how in the world my behind is going to be a Social Worker when I stress myself out over other people's stress... But that's all I want to be... That's where my passion is. So I guess I have to learn how to regulate and control my stresses. Stop letting other people's shit become my shit (excuse my language). That's one thing I adore about Rhajah... her skill of just not giving a damn (excuse my language)... She's real good at that and she can turn her sympathy and apathy off like a light switch. 

So... i'll continue to breathe. As long as I'm inhaling and exhaling I'm doing better than someone right now... (bad way to look at it... but the truth). I'll try to control my stress... look up some relievers... I'll put my water fountain back together... the sound of water seems to be the only relaxant I know of... Any suggestions? 

Sorry if my thoughts were kinda everywhere tonight...

.An Inspired Mind.

I Am Victoria Ashley... Until I Die...

taken down to prevent confrontation... 

Inadequate

Hey there...

I hate this feeling... I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do... I can't help... I don't even know what's going on. I hate when she's not happy... 

Sitting here feeling like an inadequate girlfriend. Like I just don't do things right. Someone, somewhere would know how do handle her stresses and her bad moods... Why don't I? Why can't I figure this out. It's like when she's not happy I walk on eggshells because I don't want her to lash out at me. I don't know... Have you ever been in this kind of situation? It doesn't even have to be a relationship but just in general...? Maybe I'm just too sensitive and hard on myself. I blame myself for everything. Whenever something isn't right I'm always blaming myself, even when it doesn't have anything to do with me. Is that bad? 

Anyway, today I woke up feeling horrible and accidentally took NyQuil instead of DayQuil... so I was out of it from about 11am to 5:30ish... I was no longer sneezing, coughing and sniffling BUT now I was sleepy, dizzy and so out of it I wasn't sure I was really walking or not. I'm so glad that wore off before the first RHA meeting which was at 7. 

OH! I GOT MY ACCEPTANCE PACKET FROM UofM YESTERDAY!!!! I'm soooo happy!! I have Transfer Orientation on April 15th from 9am-1pm. While I'm super excited I feel really bad because I feel like me being closer to her is actually adding to her stress right now... I don't know but at the same time I feel like me being there will make things so much better and easier. Atleast then I'll be around her and I'll be able to give her hugs and kisses when she's down. A hug and kiss from the one you love when you're down can be enough to turn your day around sometimes. :)

I just hope that I'm not the cause of her stress... You know this blogging has really been helping me stay sane recently. This was probably the smartest thing I could have done over Winter Break and I'm really glad I'm sticking to it. It helps me get some emotions out and just debrief. It's almost like I don't know how to relax and after i write all this down I can finally unwind and breathe. I hate that I'm so high strung. It's like a curse... All good comes with bad right? Gotta pretend to study for class tomorrow. I know I'll probably fall asleep before I read anything which is why I say pretend. Have a wonderful day/night... whatever time you're reading this.

By the way... I think I might check out this All Saints Episcopal Church my grandmama told me about... I kinda feel like I need to go... I don't like when I get these feelings but if my gut is telling me to go to church 9 times out of 10 somebody wants me to sit my put down in a church. (I didn't say I would go to the service, but I will go sit in the church.) It's been a while... I'll probably do that real soon... Let you know how that goes. Last time I sat down in front of a statue of Jesus I broke down in tears and one of my friends sat and cried with me. I don't even know why it happened... I can't even explain it. It sounds stupid but something in me just gave out. The one place and person I can take my mask off with. I've noticed I talk to "God" a lot more than I thought... the other day I was walking to class and I felt like I was going to have an asthma attack in the cold, with my backpack and my guitar... The air was so dry and I caught myself walking saying, "Lord... please just let me get up this hill and to the door" and when I got there I caught myself saying, "Thank you Lord." I shocked the crap outta myself but hey it's cool lol. It's not like I don't believe in God or Jesus or anything... Like I said before I just believe in the Hercules Theory lol. 

Okay seriously this time. Goodbye lol

An Inspired Mind.

GOLDEN!

Hey there!

I know I know it's been a while since I've written anything so you may be mad at me but I have A LOT to talk about! So I hope you have some time :-)

K, well last time I blogged it was about Rhajah's accident... not even touching on that subject today. Maybe tomorrow?... I guess you'll see.

I moved back on campus January 4th and had my first class January 6th, I'm sooo happy to be back to the hustle and bustle of college life! I'm super confident about this semester, my classes all seem to be pretty cool with awesome professors. Plus I have a friend or two in every class so that always helps especially when it's time to study. Intro to Sociology, Intro to Psychology, American Government and Guitar! I love music so I already know the guitar class is going to be my favorite... I think I would marry music if i could... Maybe it's possible I mean if a woman can marry a horse I can marry music, right? Lol I tickle myself sometimes

Any who, like I said I'm super happy to be back at school. It was such a stress relief, you know? I love the "exercise" I'm getting walking around campus whenever I want, the freedom of doing what I want, when I want... around RHA of course lol. I'm not sure we've talked about RHA... Okay so freshman year I wanted to run for President of Hamlin Hall Council (the residence hall I lived in last year), so I would have basically been over all building meetings and programs in that particular hall. Sadly my application was lost and I was never considered for that position... or at least that's what I thought. A few weeks later I got back to my room from class and someone had slipped an application under my door with my name on it and the role of President checked with a sticky note saying "Go For It!". Someone had bigger plans for me. Of course I filled out the application and turned it in, went through 3 interviews and was given the position of President of the Residence Halls Association, so now that little role I wanted in Hamlin Hall Council had to report to me... along with the 5 other halls on campus. To be granted that opportunity was so super huge to me and I felt like for the first time in a long time I had something to brag about lol. So in May I was sent (paid for by the school) to University of Arizona for training and NACURH (The Annual RHA Conference)! There were schools there from all over the U.S plus Canada, Mexico and even Australia! (that just reminded me... I have another conference in March in Wisconsin for 3 days).

Everything was wonderful, I loved my life, my job and school... then towards the end of the summer I met the love of my life and I began to really worry about how in the world I was going to juggle school, RHA and her all at once and succeed in all three. When the school year started I just knew my relationship was going to fail because of RHA; all the meetings I have and all the people I have to talk to. But it didn't and I'm so proud of that and so happy that it didn't. I honestly think Rhajah is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Since I've moved back on campus we've learned to work things out and I'm absolutely loving our relationship. I love how we can be together without being together every second of everyday. We don't have to sit up on a phone all day, talk online all day or anything... we're both too damn busy for that right now anyway (excuse my language). 

My family has finally accepted the fact that I'm transferring to UofM Flint that way I can get the better degree and be with her. It's like a WIN-WIN situation if you ask me. You just don't know how much I love this woman. It's completely ridiculous the way she makes me feel... I blush when I'm around her or even on the phone with her, she makes me giggle like a child and I've never smiled harder than when I'm with her. It's ridiculous, things I would never do for anyone else I'm ready to do for her.

Moving On...

I'm not sure if I told ya'll about this or not but January 2nd was my grandmama's birthday. The whole family (and extended family) over 18 went to Andiamo's for dinner on my Daddy's dime. (the bill was like 600!) But anyway my dad brought his girlfriend and I'm cool with Krystal, I mean I don't have anything personal against her and I want my dad to be happy but my mom on the other hand tore Krystal to pieces at dinner. Here I am sitting with my mother and step-father on my left and my father and his girlfriend on my right arguing while I'm just trying to duck and dodge invisible word bullets and pleading the 5th to every question coming my way. Ugh. It was ridiculous. My cousins Francis and Dwight thought this was the most hilarious thing ever and stuffed their faces with bread and marinara with front row seats to the updated NEW AND IMPROVED version of "baby mama drama" and "he's my man now".

Well in lighter news 115 days until I transfer and I'm closer to her!! But until then I'm vibing to some Jill Scott just "Living my life like it's golden, GOLDEN!"

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

So Much and It's just Jan. 3rd

Hey hey!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!


It's 11:17am... and this is the first time since my last blog that I've felt able to talk...


My life seems to play games with my sanity. New Years Eve I was fully prepared to go into 2010 with a positive attitude and no stress... January 1st my life came to halt.


I don't even really want to get into it because I'm trying to forget the pain and the fear that I felt but to sum it up Rhajah got into a car accident and all hell broke loose in the world. She got hurt but thankfully she will heal... I tried to be there for her and make the best decision I knew how and ended up doing exactly what she didn't want me to do... so at 3 am I was single because my girlfriend believed I left her in the cold...


It hurt because I thought I was doing the right thing but I didn't have all the information or details so my decision would have hurt her more than help. I honestly think that fact broke my heart more than her leaving me... I would never do anything to hurt her... not purposely... Even still today 2 days later my heart hurts so badly because if her mother would have listened to me I would have hurt the love of my life... 


I feel guilty because she's in pain. I know it's not my fault and I may not have had anything to do with her accident but I feel responsible for her pain. I wish I could take it all away from her, I wish there was something I could do. 


My heart hurts... I haven't heard her voice in what feels like days but I don't want her to waste breath talking to me... I want to be there. I want to be able to help her. I don't want her to have to move a muscle... 


My best friend told me that if Rhajah could forgive me for making the wrong decision thats half the battle. She told me that the rest would be on me... To be patient. To understand. To be there. While patience isn't my strong point I feel like I've taken my vow to her to be here through everything, good or bad, sick or in health and rich or poor... She is my world and for her anything is possible and nothing is too much or too hard...


I guess this is what real love feels like. Knowing she's in pain makes me sick to my stomach and I just want to cry. Seeing her continue on makes me smile because she's so strong but I still want to cry because I want to do everything for her and let her rest. I feel like a horrible girlfriend for not being there, for not kissing away pains, not helping her do the little things that may be harder than usual. 


What kind of woman am I to sit here and watch her hurt... I damn near hate myself for that...


It's not my fault... But somehow, someway it is.