A letter from my mind to my heart

Dear Beautiful;

I noticed you were struggling and I saw your tears. I have something I think you should know. I think you should know that you're amazing and it's okay to be on your own. I know you're hoping for things to be okay and for her to come back with open arms but just in case. It's okay to be alone. It's okay to think for yourself and not have to consider someone else. I know it's hard to walk away from the one you love by force and not by choice but it doesn't have to be hell. You are a beautiful, strong and very intelligent young woman. I know you feel like you just lost the world, but sweetheart so did she. It's okay to cry. It's completely normal that you feel lost. I know that you're no longer motivated because she was your goal but it's okay now. You can be your own motivation, your own cheerleader and you make a new goal.

You know, if she loves you as much as she says she does, it wont be easy for her to walk away either. If she does walk away then she wasn't meant for you honey. If she walks away from you then she was meant to be a lesson, to help you grow and to prime you for the woman who is going to come and be "The One". It's okay to believe in fairy tales but know that every fairytale is different. Every story has a different ending. No one is in charge of how yours turns out except you. I know you feel like it shouldn't be this hard because you haven't seen her in months but when you love someone, years could go by without seeing them and you'd still feel horrible when they left. Yes, I know... you were supposed to be ready. I know, you weren't supposed to cry. I know that the things she says cut into you deeper than imaginable. I also know that you can take anything from anyone. About a year ago you were unstoppable, remember that? A year ago you knew who you were, what you stood for and what you wanted out of life. Bring that beautiful woman back out.

If she doesn't come back just remember, there is no guilt in loving her. There is only pain from having her walk away from you. And while you may feel like a lost puppy who's owner just dropped them off in a park and left when you weren't looking... You will find your way. Engulf yourself in your work, find a new passion to keep you busy. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe you should start latch-hooking again! Make some new pillows! Crochet a new blanket! Start a scrapbook of this summer. Yes... I know you planned on spending your time with her this summer especially with you having your car. Yes... I know you planned on waking up in her bed on weekends and she just didn't know it yet. I know... but it's okay. She's a good woman and so are you. Maybe you two just aren't at a point where you can work together. I know you don't want to hear that but... maybe in a few months when her life becomes a little more sane and when you calm down a little bit everything will go back to the way you remembered it.

Hold on to the way she looks at you when you were sitting on her lap, remember how you laughed together, don't ever forget the way she used to hold you in your sleep. Remember the kisses and how she always wanted more. How she would smile at you whenever you looked at her. Take the good memories with you and start walking down a new path, if she decides to grab your hand and pull you back, WONDERFUL. If she doesn't, don't be hurt just realize you're growing into a wonderful woman and I'm sure she knows that too. Both of you together can work this out, but it takes two and you're tired and she doesn't act like she cares very much. Stop stressing. Study for your finals. Stop calling her. Send her a goodnight text and tell her to have a good night at work and then in the morning if she doesn't call you, call her when you get up. Take it one day at a time. If she doesn't answer, try again the next day. It will be okay.

You are a beautiful, strong and intelligent young woman and in you all things are possible.

.An Inspired Mind.
(literally)

Weak

I am 85% dead and 10% lost and 5% sane right now

I feel weak...

I had to force myself to eat for the first time today at 3:30... I feel like I'm going to throw it up.

I can't concentrate on studying for my finals...

I'm scared... I feel alone... I feel bare.

nothing is right anymore....

.An Inspired Mind.

This Wasn't Supposed To Hurt

This was supposed to be easy...

I said I wouldn't care.

She tripped out on me... Over a friend I've had for YEARS!

Why the hell am I surprised?

Thats the reason I didn't tell her in the first place. Because she trips about EVERYTHING.

So... She's gone and I think this time for good. I'm trying to stop myself from chasing after her. I'm trying really hard. It's so hard. I keep telling myself that she ain't shit. I deserve better than she could ever give. Which is true. But I love her... or Did I used to love her?

I was officially fed up with her shit Sunday... I WAS TOO DONE. Monday she pushed me over the edge and Tuesday she's gone. Why am I hurting? She's said so many hurtful things to me. She's been the biggest bitch I've ever met for the last 4 months. There have been days when I wanted to tell her that I hate her. So why am I hurting? Why do I give a fuck?! For the last few months she's hurt me more than she's made me smile. She's cheated with internet bitches. She's lied to me. She's been a horrible girlfriend. Why do I fucking care?! I hold on to the woman I used to know. I hold on to the woman I fell in love with, who like I said in my last blog... I ain't seen that woman since October. The woman who loved me so much and showed it everyday no matter what. Could have a hard day and still smile at me.

I'm going to heal in time. Rebuild the woman I am, pick up the pieces of who I was and start over. I gave damn near a year of my life to her... I gave her everything I had. Never cheated, Never looked at anyone else, Never wanted anyone else. I was guilty of loving her, missing her like hell and dealing with her bullshit. But you know what she's been an unappreciative bitch for a while now. She hasn't cared about me or my feelings for months. She walked away from me like I'm not shit to her. Just an accessory that she didn't want anymore.

Well... I can name some shit I don't need anymore
1. Her flipflopping attitude problem. She's happy one second, irritated and mad the next. I'M GOOD.
2. Her bullshit. Just in general all the extra shit I have to deal with being with her.
3. Her insecurities. It's not my fault she doesn't trust me. She has so many damn trust issues. I'm so tired of having that bullshit taken out on me when I NEVER deserved.

My hair was falling out because I was stressed about my relationship. I've been walking on eggshells for MONTHS.

I AM A BEAUTIFUL, HIGH SPIRITED, WONDERFUL WOMAN. I care about the world and the things in it (except spiders and mosquitoes)

No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren't appreciated, cared for, wanted, needed or loved.

So if all this is fucked up and wrong... Why do I love her so much? Why do I want her here? Why?!

.An Inspired Mind.

For The First Time

So... For the first time in a long time I'm content in myself.

For the first time in a long time her hurtful nature isn't stabbing me in my heart.

For the first time ever I'm not going to cry.

I'm not sure what I'm in anymore. I'm not in a relationship... I guess maybe I'm stuck in between "This is never going to work between us" and "But Once Upon A Time...". I know last night had me at my wits end (we're not going to get into that because I don't want to talk about it anymore) and this morning was no better, actually a tad bit worse. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I'm holding on to. It's definitely not love that I'm grasping onto... that stopped being accessible months ago. So today, right now, what am I holding onto?

I have no fucking clue. I am lost in her world, but finding my way in my own. This morning my mind said "fuck you" to her... and for the first time my heart was backing up my mind. I'm in something thats not a relationship with a woman who doesn't appreciate me for who I am, doesn't see how hard I try, only notices my cons and never my pros... What kind of life is that to live? I can't talk to her about a damn thing because she has no emotions. At least none I've ever been exposed to. She doesn't care about how I feel. She doesn't want to hear about my feelings. She lives her life on her own schedule and if the shit I'm talking doesn't coincide with her daily plans (which it never does) it's irritating and she doesn't feel like going through "this shit" with me today... (as if the right day will ever come).

I'm tired. I feel like I'm wasting my time. She doesn't want me and it's quite evident. She blames me for not being there. She throws it in my face that this is a long distance relationship because we never spend time together. I'm just 30 fucking minutes up the freeway. I'm so tired of excuses... Want to know why I stopped being so spontaneous? It's hard to be spontaneous with someone who always says no. She doesn't like talking to me. I get irritated when she calls me and sounds like I'm the last person she wants to talk to. It makes me want to remind her that she doesn't have to fucking call me. She tells people that yea she's in a relationship but it's long distance. Maybe I should start saying, "Yea I'm in a relationship but my girlfriend is an unappreciative asshole." I wonder if she would give a damn then. My relationship used to be happy. We had a talk and decided that we wanted to make us better and get things back to the way they were, once again I feel like I'm busting my ass ON MY OWN. Why should I go out of my way to do nice things and put her first the rare times I get to talk to her these days when she doesn't even fucking notice?

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not shit to her. I hate that she doesn't see my efforts. It breaks me into pieces that I can't do shit right for her. It would be nice to hear her say thank you for what I do. But you know what? Inside of myself, I'm happy. I'm fine. I'm smiling. I'm laughing. I feel pretty damn good. I know who I am and I love EVERYTHING about me. Me and a good friend of mine had a really interesting conversation yesterday, we were talking about her relationship and she said something around the lines of, "Just because you love someone doesn't mean they are meant for you". I'm accepting that. I feel in love with the woman I met. I haven't seen her since... October? Yea, about October. I don't even know who she is anymore and at this point I'm not sure I care to know. This person who she is now hurts me. It's like I can tell when she just stopped giving a fuck about me. She used to censor what she said to me. She used to think about what she said before she said it. She used to think about my feelings because I'm sensitive! I can't remember the last time she looked out for my heart. She couldn't care less about me or how I feel.

She's working day and night now. I'm on my own and I feel like I'm single. She's like that friend who calls every once in a while just to check in and say hey then she has to go again. She's like the love you want but you can't have because every time you reach for it, it doesn't have time to stop. All I can do is me, I can only be me. No more and no less. I can't give my whole self to her anymore, why would I? She doesn't notice anyway. I filled my summer with classes because I knew she wasn't going to have time for me. But see as I sit here writing this even now I'm noticing, she's going to be too busy for me. Too busy to work on us.

I'm not sure if she just doesn't care to make our thing thats not a relationship better or if she just doesn't have time to... either way it's not going to end nicely because...

For the first time I know I'm not wanted.

For the first time I know I'm not needed.

And for the first time... it doesn't hurt.

I guess that's just a little thing we like to call

LIFE.

.An Inspired Mind.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Who Is Victoria Ashley?

Hey everyone

So... this morning was really hard for me and rhajah... It was hurtful but... It was real.

For the last 8-9 months I've changed so much about myself to try to be what she wants because it just seemed like she didn't like anything about me. I took down my dreadlocks to make her happy. I stopped talking to a majority of my friends. I pretty much ostracized myself from the world... Then today she tells me that she wants the old me back, she misses who I was. It's impossible for me to go back to that. Why? Because she had a problem with the old me. The old me was outgoing, sweet, happy, spontaneous, hanging out with friends, talking on the phone to my friends, making new friends everywhere I went, chillin' with my new friends just all in all wonderful. Not a damn stress in the world.

I walk on eggshells in my relationship. I don't have many friends anymore. I have no one to talk to except her. I don't go out with my friends anymore because I'm scared she'll get mad. I don't laugh as much because I don't see anything to laugh about. She misses who I was but she killed her. I'm afraid to talk to my friends on the phone. Two of my closest friends are lesbians, studs at that and I can't even talk to them because I'm scared my girlfriend will blow up. Why should I smile? I can't be myself. She doesn't like me being social, she doesn't want me hanging out with people. She killed my personality. When I'm in class I'm laughing, I'm silly, fun-loving. Not a damn stress in the world. When I get back to my room, its eggshells. I can be myself around everyone but her.

See she doesn't want the old me back, I don't think she realizes that she hated the old me. I smiled, laughed, was always happy and carefree because I was me. I was free to be whoever it was that I wanted to be. I could talk to who I wanted without worrying. I can't have company, I can't have friends that are guys and barely any that are girls. She was turning me into her. Anti-social and lonely. That may work for her but I'm social. I love people! I love being in crowds and talking and laughing and exchanging ideas! Thats who I am. She killed that. She hated it. She complained. She yelled about it and she broke up with me for it a few times.

So someone tell me, what the hell am I supposed to do? The only way I'm going to be "the old me" again is by becoming me again. I don't even know who I am and thats because I've changed to be whats okay with her. I should have never done that. I don't regret taking my hair down. I love my hair no matter how it is! But... I hate that I have to walk on eggshells for her. I hate that I can't be myself because she gets mad. Yet she says she loves the old me?

She wouldn't let me be the old me... how the hell could she miss it?
I tried to change myself to fit what she liked... and in turn I made myself miserable. I clung on to her because she's all I have. My friends are gone. My life is school, work and Rhajah. Thats it. I'm smothering? No shit. That's because she wouldn't let me breathe. I had my own air supply! I was living my own life with my friends, new friends and random ass people lol I was breathing just fine but as our relationship progressed slowly but surely she was taking my air. She took my friends one by one. She took my social atmosphere. All I had left was her.

I WANT THE OLD ME BACK TOO! But I can only have one or the other. Her or Me.

To most that wouldn't even be a question... To me... It's a huge question.

.An Inspired Mind.

What a mothers words can start

So, I just had a wonderful conversation with my mama about my relationship. It was inspirational, realistic and motivational. We talked for probably about an hour, skipping from subject to subject of course but we stopped at Rhajah. My mother likes her... and that makes me really happy. But here's what I want to talk about. Right before we got off the phone, Dash, my moms dog started barking and she said, "Oh, well dad's home, let me hop off this phone and get his plate ready."

That sentence... it really hit me hard. Not because of the content of it, but just what it is. I want that and I want it bad. I can see myself as that kind of wife. It's things like that where I feel like I could be a housewife. I know I'm independent and I love being on my own and out in the workforce but... it's such a cute gesture, ya know? I would love to make her dinner and have her plate ready and hot when she sits down. That would be so perfect to me. I mean of course I'd have to learn to cook first, so my version might start off as, "Girl, Rhajah just pulled up let me hop off this phone so I can help make dinner." (And yes I do plan on that being my sentence word for word. She's the only woman I want) One day, I'll be able to make dinner for her and have it ready when she gets home. She's always tired, I would love to do that for her. I don't even care if that means I can only work part time, I'll be home by 2 every day so I can go to the grocery store and have dinner ready by 4:30.

It's crazy how my plans are changing. A few months ago she wanted me to stay home or work part time and I was like you've lost your mind. Honestly, I want to be a Social Work, I just don't think that's something I want to do EVERY DAY. I think I would lose my sanity. I'm completely okay working 3 days a week and bringing in enough income to get my hair and nails done once a week and buy my clothes (because I doubt she'd let me pay for much of anything else). This mindset is nuts to me! I'm looking forward to taking her braids down, washing her hair, pressing it out and rebraiding it. SINCE WHEN!? What has gotten into me?! Whatever it is, I want it to stay.

You know early in my relationship with Rhajah she asked me to sing her a song when I was ready. I sang it when I thought I was ready... but I'm just now really understanding. I'm just now understanding the words behind the song... I'm finally feeling it. It's more than a song to me. I sit here listening to it and tears come into my eyes and slowly fall down my cheeks. I am ready for love.

I may not be able to tell you what love is... but I can tell you what it isn't. It's not selfish, unappreciative, disrespectful, rude, or just a word you say because the other person said it first.

I've always been torn between two different me's. One side of me wanted a family, to stay at home and cook my way through a cookbook and a dessert book. One side of me wants to buy a house that's not completely up to par and fix it up as a couple... TOGETHER.
The other side of me wants to work full time. 40 or more hours a week. Late nights and Early mornings. A blackberry that wont stop ringing. A corner office that overlooks the city. People reporting to me. Business suits and heels everyday. No family. No partner. Maybe a dog and a few fish. A housekeeper and the neighbors kids when I get lonely (if i have time to be lonely)...

I'll take the first option.

Final Choice.

.An Inspired Mind.

Freedom

I'm sitting on my bed recollecting on a conversation I had with a very close friend this morning... So as I sit here on my bed blasting Erykah, I think.

I think about me.
I think about every piece of me that has diminished from this woman I've become
I wonder if this is who I'm destined to be,
or... what someone determined for me.
I think about emptiness.
The definition of me.
A soul that flies free
Not willingly...
But trust me, this body just ain't the place to be.
I wish my soul would take my mind and set it free
Free from the worrying
Take my heart and along with it my pains
Take my doubts
Hell,
I was always worried about her taking her past out on me...
I can't help but take mine out on her...
I should have known this was gonna happen...
I close my eyes to try to rid my worries,
The circle my head, spit in my face and go right back.
I meditate to try to rid my pains
They float above my body and when the 30 minutes is up...
They take their place right back in my heart.
I want to be FREE.
I want to love like I used to.
Full hearted
Unafraid
Unharmed
I want to be FEARLESS
I want to trust her.
She's never done anything to me.
She's never hurt me
She looks out for me
And little does she know
She kisses away my pains
I don't want to fuck this up
But my sub conscience being has a different plan
My sub conscience being hides her love and shows me the pains
It amplifies her insults and silences her compliments.
I want to be FREE.
I want to LOVE like I used to
I want to look in the mirror and feel good
I want to think I'm beautiful...
I want to be FREE
from misconceptions
judgement
pain
distrust
I want to be FREE
I want everyday to feel like she's here...
She is capable of taking all my pains and my struggles with just a touch...
I want to feel like that every day
She makes me feel beautiful when she looks at me...
I want to feel that every day
I'm sick of crying and not wanting her to see my pains
So now I'm at my final straw...
Little does anyone know that I struggle throughout the day
I cry myself to sleep, less now than before but at least once a week...
Not because of her...
Because of me.
My baby is real...
She doesn't hold shit back
But because of my own insecurities I just take that...
Every relationship I've been in, with the exception of one, ended in heartbreak and pain
They all cheated when I thought things were fine...
And now... I'm getting close to a year and I'm sitting here scared
and it shows...
I don't know how to stop it
I know she won't hurt me...
I can't take out what everyone else did on her.
I can't. I shouldn't.
But I do.
I feel alone because she's so busy and she doesn't like being with me or talking to me all day...
Last time someone did me like that...
They cheated...
They lost interest.
Maybe she hasn't but she's going to if I don't pull it together.
And here we go...
My mind says, "So! Let her go. This isn't your fault, its a 2-way street"
My heart says, "Victoria... you better find a way to fix this"
But is it broken?
No...
Is she broken?
Probably not.
So the problem is ME
I want to quit
Apparantly I care ALL THE WRONG WAYS
I can't do anything right
I always make her mad...
I don't know anything except
I love her.
I WANT TO BE FREE
from all that!
from all this!
from heartache and pain
I don't want these trust issues anymore!
I don't want to wonder whether she really loves me!
I know she does!
See somebody is trying to fuck with my head...
AND I'M DONE.
I'm not gonna be the Devil's Rag Doll.
Oh no.
So all these thoughts?
BE GONE.
All the days I think about ending it all, including my existence?
YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE.
Negativity?
WHAT'S THAT?
I have to let this be what it's gonna be...



I wish it was that easy...
For 5 minutes... I felt free.

.An Inspired Mind.