Internal Struggles

So... maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm the idiot who fell for someone a little too hard, a little too fast. 

Maybe I should look harder before I leap.

Maybe everything really isn't what it seems.

Maybe love and trust are all a game.

Maybe it was meant to be this way.

It's not your fault I'm hurting...

I just don't want to cry.

I'm internalizing all my pains so that I can wipe your eyes.

Maybe this is foolish.

Maybe I'm just blind.

Jumping into one relationship when you haven't left the other one behind.

So my pains are all my problem.

They are all my fault.

I pray for guidance and I get no response.

I'm lost in a world of deceit and lies.

If you're hurt who's going to wipe my eyes?

I'm sick of hearing her name.

I'm tired of you caring.

How am I supposed to take my place,

If I feel like I'm constantly sharing.

Somethings got to give,

This isn't what I wanted.

Now everyday just feels like another day that's haunted.

Every time I'm with you, her name comes up.

Now I'm starting to wonder why you're even moving your stuff...

You care too much,

I don't even have your full heart.

I'll probably never get it,

It was all a game from the start.

She plays and you play back.

Both of ya'll are addicted to a game,

I've been there, done that.

I see where this is going,

It ain't looking good.

My heart wants to pull out now 

It will only hurt a little...

But something tells me you need me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the glue that holds you together.

I'm the sanity that keeps you strong.

But this shit is getting old. 

You said I wouldn't ever have to deal with her...

You told me that part of your life was done...

But for some reason she knows all our business and what's to come.

So forgive me if I'm bitter

Excuse me if I'm rude

But it's my place as your woman to be a tad bit prude. 

I want to run in the opposite direction

But it hurts too much to leave

I love the way you make me feel

I love your touch, 

How our conversations have always been so real.

I love how you make me smile and how I can do the same 

But I'm beginning to feel like I don't belong.

I'm scared that you'll push me away

I'm terrified that nothing I do matters

I work my ass off to understand

I do things just to make you smile

But when it comes down to it...

I always lose...

She always ruins it.

So what am I supposed to do?

I feel like I'm in a relationship with you and her

Her fuckin' name comes up so much I get sick

I just want to call it quits

You don't know what you want

And me? I'm already sick of this shit.

I just can't leave you and internally...

I'm crying.

I'm dying.

I'm stressing.

I'm lying.

I'm burning.

I'm sighing.

I'm hurting.

But I'm trying...

Disappointed... But Why?

Good Morning Good People!

So, today, well last night I felt like an idiot and it's carrying over into this morning. As you well know from my last blog, me and Rhajah broke up. About a week and a half after our breakup she asked me if I could see her starting over with me... Of course I said yes. I mean I did think she could start over if she tried. She asked me out on a date that Saturday (2 weeks ago) and I went. It was great! We went back to the places we went on our first date a year ago. Walked the beach again, I sat in her arms again and felt like I was where I belonged. We did something new though, something I had been talking about for a while. We had a picnic and barbecued right off the beach. It was great, we put the grill together, together lol. It was hot as hell but we still enjoyed each others company. She fed me grapes, strawberries, polish sausage and even corn on the cob as I laid back soaking up the sun. When I kissed her my world felt right but my heart was still hesitant. After our picnic we packed up and went to the antique car show, which she absolutely hates, but I'm into that kind of stuff so she sucked it up and walked through it with me. I kinda realized that it was a mistake when she snapped on me about ice cream... I guess I took to long deciding if I wanted it or not... That threw me off but I brushed it off. After the car show I took her home and I couldn't hold it in anymore. There were so many questions I needed answered. We talked for about 30 minutes and got everything out in the open but I still didn't believe it or her. We planned another date for 2 weeks from then (this Saturday). We decided that we wouldn't try to pick up where we left off but that instead we were "Starting over, better". I left there with a sore heart. 

Since that weekend, things have been nice. We've talked but not all day, everyday. Just when we could squeeze each other in because I was so busy with school and she works too much so... it is what it is. Wednesday night her cell phone got turned off and I wasn't trippin because I thought it was going to be turned off Tuesday and she was supposed to pay the bill Tuesday. I figured she had gotten really busy and didn't have time. Then Thursday I know she has a morning class from 8am to noon so I just knew after class she would go pay the bill... no... she didn't. So I sent emails, beginning to worry. No response. So my insides are churning because I'm uneasy. So finally as a last resort I send a message to her on Yahoo Messenger, I just so happen to know her screen name because we aren't friends on anything. Her ass had the nerve to write me right back saying she would get it turned back on tomorrow. Mind you, I've been going through hell in my house for the past few days and I needed her to be there for me. Did she care? No. She said, "I gave up that obligation baby." I asked her if we were still on for Saturday... She says she doesn't know because she's really busy. I'm laughing because she hasn't changed for shit. I'm crying because I wanted her to at least be able to keep her word for ONCE. I'm hurting because I was looking forward to going to the arcade, go kart racing and laser tag with her. I'm pissed because I should have known. 

I'm disappointed, but why? 

She's always planned shit and had to cancel. ALWAYS. She's never been able to keep a date. And then I realized that this was supposed to be her trying to start over with me not me holding us together like I used to. I'm not about to be the glue in something that she's supposed to be trying to rebuild. If I'm not that damn important then fuck it. She planned a date 2 weeks ago. If she couldn't plan her schedule around that date it just shows me how much regard she gives me. None. So I deleted her out of my phone only to realize I needed her in my contacts so I could select the "Automatically send calls to voicemail" button next to her name. Since I'm so unimportant to her and my feelings just don't matter I put her in my phone as what I am to her, "Not Important". I'm sick of being a last priority, I dealt with that shit when we were together. I'm tired of her cancelling everything I look forward to. So... I'm not going to give her anything else to cancel. I'm sick of her ripping my heart into pieces depending on her mood, so I'm taking my heart back, as much as it may hurt. She'll never have it again because she doesn't know how to treat it. I will no longer care, I won't run back... to what? Someone who can't fit me into her schedule? Lol yea right. And the bad thing is that I told her before we even went on our first date that I don't fit into her goal of retiring by 35, I have no place there. She planned it without having a partner so... while I could try to squeeze myself in, it's a very uncomfortable squeeze that I'm not up for. I quit. Maybe one day she'll be willing to work as hard for me as she does for her retirement. And maybe when that day comes I won't want to basically spit in her face like she did to me. 

She probably wouldn't like that, but right now I don't care about her feelings, I don't care whether she would like it or not. I don't care about her heart, which barely exists at all. I don't care. I'm not here for her anymore, I'm not an ear to listen, I'm not. I'm not a caring person who will always be there. You know what... Simply put...

"I gave up that obligation baby."


And now I need to work on finding scholarships so that I can go to University of Arizona for grad school because right now, she's not worth me staying in Michigan.

.An Inspired Mind.

Listen to your Epiphany

You're in a relationship that makes you happy and full of joy... You feel free to be who ever you choose to be because you have a woman who loves you more than you know, or at least thats what she says... You text her reminding her that you love her and saying little shit to put that smile on her face while you're not with her. Life is good, life is great. You have absolutely NO COMPLAINTS about her, you, and ya'll together. You're quick to say, "Yea.. that's my baby" and every time you hear her name you smile... But it wouldn't last forever would it? 

Months pass and this feeling of happiness begins to fade... She's complaining about little things you do, as if you haven't always done them. She's finding stupid petty reasons to call you back, take a rain check or even your favorite "imma hafta ttyl" through a text. Your trust begins to fail as you find shit takes makes you wonder what the hell. You look inside yourself and take the blame, saying it's my fault I can't keep our relationship the same. You bust your ass and try to smile, pretending you don't know what you've known for a while. Because through it all, love prevails... right? 

She kisses you sweetly, holds you tight, kisses ur neck and tells you goodnight but all you can think about is... What am I not doing right? You ask yourself over and over again, write it down, make a plan, just to keep her love in your grasp. She's fading away, she's leaving fast, you just don't know how to make it last and when you ask... She blows you off, saying thats ur own internal fault. So you cry, you mourn while she's away, wondering what shit you'll find today. You've become addicted to searching through her things, her email, her messengers, every screen name. You want to stop but you just can't, because you have to know if you still have a chance. Every day brings something new, a DL page... wow who knew. Responding to singles ads, calling ppl baby and commenting on a picture of a bitches ass... 

Your eyes swell with tears, how could you be so blind... The signals were there the entire time. The blow horn was blowing and sirens were loud, but you didn't hear them... you just don't know how... but even now... Love prevails, right? She comes home late, doesn't want to talk, she kisses your cheek and says she's going for a walk... You hurt, it burns and every thing in you wants to scream, but you can't be that weak... You can beat this thing. She still comes home! It's all okay! It doesn't matter what she does during the day, you love her! 

One day she comes home and you can tell, somethings not right. What the fuck is that smell? Cheap perfume and "Baby, I'm tired as hell." You think, yea I'm sure, me too... inside wishing you had never fell for her smile, her touch, her kiss and there's still so much... She tries to hold you, you scoot away, not sure where her hands have been today. It hurts, it's bad. You cry and she says, "Shut that shit up, I'm tryin to sleep." You laugh because you've hit the edge of sanity. 

In the morning she leaves and you stick around just trying to breathe in contaminated air, sleeping in a bed of nails that used to be soft as rose petals... You get up to do your daily things, turn on the radio and for you she sings, "I think I'm just about over being your girlfriend, I'm leaving, I'm leaving. No more wonderin what you been doin, where you been sleepin. I'm leaving, I'm leaving." The tears fill your eyes because this song is going to be your demise but by the time it's over you've pulled out your duffel, a few bags your purse. You plan to be out by the time she gets back from "work". You pack all day grabbing all your shit, singing the song in your head is motivating you not to quit. 

You're all packed up, you leave a note, "I'm gone for good, I should have known." On top you leave the key you'll never need. She pulls in while you're grabbing your things. She's asking you, "WHY!?", you're pulling away, thinking of all the times you'd stay, broken and torn, unappreciated and worn. Nothing makes sense except you closing that door and driving far, far away. She keeps screaming, "WHY!?" Almost like she's going to cry, but you know better, she has no feelings. She's turned her back and left you to cry in a corner, fall to your knees, you've watched yourself beg and plead for someone who you didn't ever need. You look at her and the tears begin to fall, she used to be your everything, your love, your all. You tell her softly, as sweet as can be... "I should have listened to my first epiphany" 

Lessons Learned

Every chapter in your life contains a lesson or lessons that needs to be learned. I think I just finished another chapter and learned some extremely valuable lessons.

You know "they" say, whoever they are, to never make someone your everything because when they leave you are left with nothing.

Lesson 1: Thats not true.
When you love someone with your entire heart they become the center of your world. You do anything and everything to make them happy, laugh and smile. There's nothing wrong with that. The thing you must know is that if things don't work out, your life is not over. She's gone, but I'm still here and while at times I may be lonely and hurting because she's not calling me and telling me that she loves me, I have an obligation to MYSELF. When she came into my life I was strong, independent and intelligent. Now she's left out of my life and I owe it to myself to once again be strong, independent and intelligent ON MY OWN. Which takes me to

Lesson 2: COMPLETE YOURSELF FIRST
Your relationship will ALWAYS fail if you're looking for someone to complete you. I've learned this with my last relationship. If you aren't happy with yourself, you honestly can't expect someone else to be happy with you. If where you are in your life does not make you happy, if you look in the mirror and smile don't smile at yourself, don't be surprised when they aren't happy and don't smile at you. See my thing is this, I always go into a relationship with half of a heart expecting that person to give me half of theirs to complete my own. The issue with that is that one of us will always die, metaphorically speaking of course. If you give me half of your heart, what do you have left to live with? I may feel complete but you're half empty, how long can you last like that? Not long. Never again will I go into a relationship expecting someone to give me half of who they are. I have learned that I need to go in 100% committed to me, complete in myself. When you want someone to complete you sometimes you can be overwhelming and whenever they mess up it hurts you more than it should because you're attached to that person. I don't ever want to be dependent on someone else to make me happy. I have always been able to make myself smile.

Lesson 3: Keep yourself happy.
When you're miserable, your relationship is miserable. This comes from anything, trust issues, distance, homework, stress, family... anything that directly influences your mood can put a damper on your relationship. In my case, when you have two people who dream, breathe and live success, your relationship will fail because you are both over achievers in everything but "us". In time you begin to forget about "us", "we", "together", "relationship", "our happiness" and "quality/us time" and begin thinking more about, "me", "myself", "alone", "friendships", "my happiness" and "me time". Once this happens, there's really no turning back. In April right around my birthday I found out my now ex-girlfriend was flirting with women on the internet. That's about the time that "me-time" became more important that "us-time". That's about the time that my mind threw in the towel and said I quit. I was miserable... and in turn my relationship became a jail house for both of us. For her because I didn't trust her to go out, talk to people, use that specific website, or even leave her house. For me because I couldn't trust my girlfriend and because of that I felt trapped in love. I felt like I loved her so much but I was hurting so bad. My love kept me tied to her even though I was crying myself to sleep at night. I was miserable. My relationship was miserable.

Lesson 4: Never change yourself or your friends for your relationship
It's impossible to be happy with someone who wants to change things about who you are. In the beginning of my last relationship, she hated my dreadlocks. She talked about them something awful and even had the nerve to sniff them on our first date. That hurt my feelings intensely but instead of calling the entire relationship off, I combed my locs out. They were my pride and joy, I had nursed them like my babies watching them develop and grow from comb coils to beautiful sun kissed locs. I don't regret taking them down today, I've seen that we live in an extremely discrimination based society and women with locs aren't looked at or taken as seriously as a woman with a press and curl. There were things I didn't like about her and I changed them. In time I got her out of some of her ways, I should have never changed them, I should have walked away. She had an issue with me having male friends. When we started our relationship a majority of my friends were male. They looked at me as a little sister that hung out with the guys (mostly because the girls pissed me off). That's who I've been my entire life. I've been the girl who chills with all the guys but has their respect and gets the dirt on ALL the hoes LOL. I lost a lot of friends for that relationship, that should have never happened.

Lesson 5: Look before you leap
Never get in a relationship with someone to figure out who they really are along the way. Know that person, their values, beliefs and mannerisms ahead of time and that will probably keep you from going through Lesson 4. I was with this woman for a year and for some reason she still thought I was flashy and expensive when I'll take a pretty stone of the beach over a diamond any day... Ha! It tickles me to see how much I must really mean. People please if you don't do anything, just look before you leap.

So while I sit here thinking about the past year of my life, I can say that I learned a lot of lessons and I improved in many ways. I began to focus on my classes, making Academic Honors all year but I also missed out on a lot of girls nights, sleepovers in each others rooms and just hanging out because she didn't like that. When we broke up she said she wanted to be free... It hurt but as I was pleading for us to work things out, I realized... I just want to breathe. To my own beat. My own rhythm. My own style.

I wanted to be Victoria Ashley and not "represent" her in the process. It's no fun being "tied down" because that's exactly what you are. We suffocated each other in our own ways and all I can say is that I AM ME. I AM FREE AND IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD TO BREATHE.


.An Inspired Mind.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

The Independence Take Back

Whats good ya'll... I know its been a while. My bad.

I'm not gonna catch you up on whats happened or what you've missed. Naw. I'm gonna introduce you to the next chapter of my life. It's called INDEPENDENCE. See me and independence used to be real cool, like always together type cool, she had my back no matter what. I wasn't stuntin' a thing. It was just me and my independence.

See... somewhere within the last year of my life I think I pissed her off and uhh she dipped on my ass lol but now I need her back. I'm beginning to realize that every relationship I've been in has ended in one or two ways...
1. I'm smothering, clingy and they want some space
2. They cheated... probably as a result of number 1

So now I'm claiming independence back. I need her in my life. I have officially pissed off my girlfriend with my clingy ways and insecurities. The thing about me is that I know that I'm smothering and that's just me. But I also know that my smothering leads people to leave and cheat. So I have a hard time trusting because I know what my ways can do. So I try to tell myself she wouldn't cheat, she wouldn't hurt me but somehow my memory always backtracks to my past relationships where they all cheated and left. I can't take out their shit on her. But I know that I'm the problem. Shit, maybe I need a hobby or something. I always want to talk to her. I always need to hear her voice. I'm always texting her. I feel kinda pathetic. I feel like I've been through this before. I've tried to pull away and failed... horribly. But this time I've got to get it right.

I don't have any real hobbies anymore... Things I used to enjoy, I don't do anymore mostly because I'm always trying to be there for her but she doesn't need me all the time. Maybe I should start painting again, swimming?, crocheting, singing, hanging out with friends. I have to make me happy so that we can be happy. That's what she told me... I'm beginning to understand. I need to find some stuff I like to do and do it. I'm not going to plan my days around her anymore. I'm going to focus on me. I was all about me when I met her. I did my own thing. I enjoyed my own time. I fell in love and started wanting every second of every day to be with her. I forgot about me. I forgot about my happiness, my time, my fun. So right now I'm taking that back. I didn't think it was possible to be in a  relationship and independent, but it is and if I don't start... I'm going to lose her. I'm going to do things that make me happy now. I'm going to stop worrying about talking to her before I do anything. I wont call her when I wake up anymore, wait... maybe I should still do that but not try to take over her entire morning lol.

So Independence, I need me and you to get back on it. Here are my goals, I will knock them out one by one.

1: I will not have my phone attached to my hip all the damn time.

2: I will turn my laptop off at night, its okay if I miss an instant message.

3: I will put my phone on vibrate at night, it's okay if I miss a call

4: I will not check in before and after I do everything

5: I will spend more time thinking about me than her

6: I will not call her back to back. I will call, if she doesn't answer I'll send a text saying what I wanted and move on.

7: I won't be sad when she doesn't want to talk to me. I'll be cool and keep it moving.

8: I WILL NOT BE DEPRESSED BECAUSE WE AREN'T ALWAYS TALKING

Maybe I should turn this into a game... At the beginning of every week (Sunday) I'll start off with 20 points. Every time I break one of these goals I'll subtract one point and if I have less than 10 by Saturday I will punish myself by no facebook for 3 days and no texting for 1. If on Saturday I have 15 or more points I will add 2 to my minimum of 10 and if I have 10-14 points I will add 1 to my minimum for the next week.

Wish me luck! I got this!

.An Inspired Mind.

deciding to live

The decision to take another breath in a day is the biggest decision one will ever make.

We get so stressed out over trivial bullshit, what outfit to wear, why he or she cheated, who we are, whats on the radio... lol... we forget that we've already accomplished the biggest task of them all. We exhaled... and we continued to breathe.

We as a people must stop and breathe, yes, it is a blessing that you woke up this morning, but you are inhaling right now because you told yourself to. That is the biggest task of them all. To stop breathing is to end the beauty you hold.

Now while you're breathing, you may cry, want to die, feel your insides ripped out, and again want to die. But because you took that last breath... and this one... and that one, you're stronger than you believe.

Stop stressing and make the biggest decision one can make.

LIVE.

A letter from my mind to my heart

Dear Beautiful;

I noticed you were struggling and I saw your tears. I have something I think you should know. I think you should know that you're amazing and it's okay to be on your own. I know you're hoping for things to be okay and for her to come back with open arms but just in case. It's okay to be alone. It's okay to think for yourself and not have to consider someone else. I know it's hard to walk away from the one you love by force and not by choice but it doesn't have to be hell. You are a beautiful, strong and very intelligent young woman. I know you feel like you just lost the world, but sweetheart so did she. It's okay to cry. It's completely normal that you feel lost. I know that you're no longer motivated because she was your goal but it's okay now. You can be your own motivation, your own cheerleader and you make a new goal.

You know, if she loves you as much as she says she does, it wont be easy for her to walk away either. If she does walk away then she wasn't meant for you honey. If she walks away from you then she was meant to be a lesson, to help you grow and to prime you for the woman who is going to come and be "The One". It's okay to believe in fairy tales but know that every fairytale is different. Every story has a different ending. No one is in charge of how yours turns out except you. I know you feel like it shouldn't be this hard because you haven't seen her in months but when you love someone, years could go by without seeing them and you'd still feel horrible when they left. Yes, I know... you were supposed to be ready. I know, you weren't supposed to cry. I know that the things she says cut into you deeper than imaginable. I also know that you can take anything from anyone. About a year ago you were unstoppable, remember that? A year ago you knew who you were, what you stood for and what you wanted out of life. Bring that beautiful woman back out.

If she doesn't come back just remember, there is no guilt in loving her. There is only pain from having her walk away from you. And while you may feel like a lost puppy who's owner just dropped them off in a park and left when you weren't looking... You will find your way. Engulf yourself in your work, find a new passion to keep you busy. Hey! I have an idea! Maybe you should start latch-hooking again! Make some new pillows! Crochet a new blanket! Start a scrapbook of this summer. Yes... I know you planned on spending your time with her this summer especially with you having your car. Yes... I know you planned on waking up in her bed on weekends and she just didn't know it yet. I know... but it's okay. She's a good woman and so are you. Maybe you two just aren't at a point where you can work together. I know you don't want to hear that but... maybe in a few months when her life becomes a little more sane and when you calm down a little bit everything will go back to the way you remembered it.

Hold on to the way she looks at you when you were sitting on her lap, remember how you laughed together, don't ever forget the way she used to hold you in your sleep. Remember the kisses and how she always wanted more. How she would smile at you whenever you looked at her. Take the good memories with you and start walking down a new path, if she decides to grab your hand and pull you back, WONDERFUL. If she doesn't, don't be hurt just realize you're growing into a wonderful woman and I'm sure she knows that too. Both of you together can work this out, but it takes two and you're tired and she doesn't act like she cares very much. Stop stressing. Study for your finals. Stop calling her. Send her a goodnight text and tell her to have a good night at work and then in the morning if she doesn't call you, call her when you get up. Take it one day at a time. If she doesn't answer, try again the next day. It will be okay.

You are a beautiful, strong and intelligent young woman and in you all things are possible.

.An Inspired Mind.
(literally)

Weak

I am 85% dead and 10% lost and 5% sane right now

I feel weak...

I had to force myself to eat for the first time today at 3:30... I feel like I'm going to throw it up.

I can't concentrate on studying for my finals...

I'm scared... I feel alone... I feel bare.

nothing is right anymore....

.An Inspired Mind.

This Wasn't Supposed To Hurt

This was supposed to be easy...

I said I wouldn't care.

She tripped out on me... Over a friend I've had for YEARS!

Why the hell am I surprised?

Thats the reason I didn't tell her in the first place. Because she trips about EVERYTHING.

So... She's gone and I think this time for good. I'm trying to stop myself from chasing after her. I'm trying really hard. It's so hard. I keep telling myself that she ain't shit. I deserve better than she could ever give. Which is true. But I love her... or Did I used to love her?

I was officially fed up with her shit Sunday... I WAS TOO DONE. Monday she pushed me over the edge and Tuesday she's gone. Why am I hurting? She's said so many hurtful things to me. She's been the biggest bitch I've ever met for the last 4 months. There have been days when I wanted to tell her that I hate her. So why am I hurting? Why do I give a fuck?! For the last few months she's hurt me more than she's made me smile. She's cheated with internet bitches. She's lied to me. She's been a horrible girlfriend. Why do I fucking care?! I hold on to the woman I used to know. I hold on to the woman I fell in love with, who like I said in my last blog... I ain't seen that woman since October. The woman who loved me so much and showed it everyday no matter what. Could have a hard day and still smile at me.

I'm going to heal in time. Rebuild the woman I am, pick up the pieces of who I was and start over. I gave damn near a year of my life to her... I gave her everything I had. Never cheated, Never looked at anyone else, Never wanted anyone else. I was guilty of loving her, missing her like hell and dealing with her bullshit. But you know what she's been an unappreciative bitch for a while now. She hasn't cared about me or my feelings for months. She walked away from me like I'm not shit to her. Just an accessory that she didn't want anymore.

Well... I can name some shit I don't need anymore
1. Her flipflopping attitude problem. She's happy one second, irritated and mad the next. I'M GOOD.
2. Her bullshit. Just in general all the extra shit I have to deal with being with her.
3. Her insecurities. It's not my fault she doesn't trust me. She has so many damn trust issues. I'm so tired of having that bullshit taken out on me when I NEVER deserved.

My hair was falling out because I was stressed about my relationship. I've been walking on eggshells for MONTHS.

I AM A BEAUTIFUL, HIGH SPIRITED, WONDERFUL WOMAN. I care about the world and the things in it (except spiders and mosquitoes)

No one wants to be in a relationship where they aren't appreciated, cared for, wanted, needed or loved.

So if all this is fucked up and wrong... Why do I love her so much? Why do I want her here? Why?!

.An Inspired Mind.

For The First Time

So... For the first time in a long time I'm content in myself.

For the first time in a long time her hurtful nature isn't stabbing me in my heart.

For the first time ever I'm not going to cry.

I'm not sure what I'm in anymore. I'm not in a relationship... I guess maybe I'm stuck in between "This is never going to work between us" and "But Once Upon A Time...". I know last night had me at my wits end (we're not going to get into that because I don't want to talk about it anymore) and this morning was no better, actually a tad bit worse. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I'm holding on to. It's definitely not love that I'm grasping onto... that stopped being accessible months ago. So today, right now, what am I holding onto?

I have no fucking clue. I am lost in her world, but finding my way in my own. This morning my mind said "fuck you" to her... and for the first time my heart was backing up my mind. I'm in something thats not a relationship with a woman who doesn't appreciate me for who I am, doesn't see how hard I try, only notices my cons and never my pros... What kind of life is that to live? I can't talk to her about a damn thing because she has no emotions. At least none I've ever been exposed to. She doesn't care about how I feel. She doesn't want to hear about my feelings. She lives her life on her own schedule and if the shit I'm talking doesn't coincide with her daily plans (which it never does) it's irritating and she doesn't feel like going through "this shit" with me today... (as if the right day will ever come).

I'm tired. I feel like I'm wasting my time. She doesn't want me and it's quite evident. She blames me for not being there. She throws it in my face that this is a long distance relationship because we never spend time together. I'm just 30 fucking minutes up the freeway. I'm so tired of excuses... Want to know why I stopped being so spontaneous? It's hard to be spontaneous with someone who always says no. She doesn't like talking to me. I get irritated when she calls me and sounds like I'm the last person she wants to talk to. It makes me want to remind her that she doesn't have to fucking call me. She tells people that yea she's in a relationship but it's long distance. Maybe I should start saying, "Yea I'm in a relationship but my girlfriend is an unappreciative asshole." I wonder if she would give a damn then. My relationship used to be happy. We had a talk and decided that we wanted to make us better and get things back to the way they were, once again I feel like I'm busting my ass ON MY OWN. Why should I go out of my way to do nice things and put her first the rare times I get to talk to her these days when she doesn't even fucking notice?

I'm tired of feeling like I'm not shit to her. I hate that she doesn't see my efforts. It breaks me into pieces that I can't do shit right for her. It would be nice to hear her say thank you for what I do. But you know what? Inside of myself, I'm happy. I'm fine. I'm smiling. I'm laughing. I feel pretty damn good. I know who I am and I love EVERYTHING about me. Me and a good friend of mine had a really interesting conversation yesterday, we were talking about her relationship and she said something around the lines of, "Just because you love someone doesn't mean they are meant for you". I'm accepting that. I feel in love with the woman I met. I haven't seen her since... October? Yea, about October. I don't even know who she is anymore and at this point I'm not sure I care to know. This person who she is now hurts me. It's like I can tell when she just stopped giving a fuck about me. She used to censor what she said to me. She used to think about what she said before she said it. She used to think about my feelings because I'm sensitive! I can't remember the last time she looked out for my heart. She couldn't care less about me or how I feel.

She's working day and night now. I'm on my own and I feel like I'm single. She's like that friend who calls every once in a while just to check in and say hey then she has to go again. She's like the love you want but you can't have because every time you reach for it, it doesn't have time to stop. All I can do is me, I can only be me. No more and no less. I can't give my whole self to her anymore, why would I? She doesn't notice anyway. I filled my summer with classes because I knew she wasn't going to have time for me. But see as I sit here writing this even now I'm noticing, she's going to be too busy for me. Too busy to work on us.

I'm not sure if she just doesn't care to make our thing thats not a relationship better or if she just doesn't have time to... either way it's not going to end nicely because...

For the first time I know I'm not wanted.

For the first time I know I'm not needed.

And for the first time... it doesn't hurt.

I guess that's just a little thing we like to call

LIFE.

.An Inspired Mind.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Who Is Victoria Ashley?

Hey everyone

So... this morning was really hard for me and rhajah... It was hurtful but... It was real.

For the last 8-9 months I've changed so much about myself to try to be what she wants because it just seemed like she didn't like anything about me. I took down my dreadlocks to make her happy. I stopped talking to a majority of my friends. I pretty much ostracized myself from the world... Then today she tells me that she wants the old me back, she misses who I was. It's impossible for me to go back to that. Why? Because she had a problem with the old me. The old me was outgoing, sweet, happy, spontaneous, hanging out with friends, talking on the phone to my friends, making new friends everywhere I went, chillin' with my new friends just all in all wonderful. Not a damn stress in the world.

I walk on eggshells in my relationship. I don't have many friends anymore. I have no one to talk to except her. I don't go out with my friends anymore because I'm scared she'll get mad. I don't laugh as much because I don't see anything to laugh about. She misses who I was but she killed her. I'm afraid to talk to my friends on the phone. Two of my closest friends are lesbians, studs at that and I can't even talk to them because I'm scared my girlfriend will blow up. Why should I smile? I can't be myself. She doesn't like me being social, she doesn't want me hanging out with people. She killed my personality. When I'm in class I'm laughing, I'm silly, fun-loving. Not a damn stress in the world. When I get back to my room, its eggshells. I can be myself around everyone but her.

See she doesn't want the old me back, I don't think she realizes that she hated the old me. I smiled, laughed, was always happy and carefree because I was me. I was free to be whoever it was that I wanted to be. I could talk to who I wanted without worrying. I can't have company, I can't have friends that are guys and barely any that are girls. She was turning me into her. Anti-social and lonely. That may work for her but I'm social. I love people! I love being in crowds and talking and laughing and exchanging ideas! Thats who I am. She killed that. She hated it. She complained. She yelled about it and she broke up with me for it a few times.

So someone tell me, what the hell am I supposed to do? The only way I'm going to be "the old me" again is by becoming me again. I don't even know who I am and thats because I've changed to be whats okay with her. I should have never done that. I don't regret taking my hair down. I love my hair no matter how it is! But... I hate that I have to walk on eggshells for her. I hate that I can't be myself because she gets mad. Yet she says she loves the old me?

She wouldn't let me be the old me... how the hell could she miss it?
I tried to change myself to fit what she liked... and in turn I made myself miserable. I clung on to her because she's all I have. My friends are gone. My life is school, work and Rhajah. Thats it. I'm smothering? No shit. That's because she wouldn't let me breathe. I had my own air supply! I was living my own life with my friends, new friends and random ass people lol I was breathing just fine but as our relationship progressed slowly but surely she was taking my air. She took my friends one by one. She took my social atmosphere. All I had left was her.

I WANT THE OLD ME BACK TOO! But I can only have one or the other. Her or Me.

To most that wouldn't even be a question... To me... It's a huge question.

.An Inspired Mind.

What a mothers words can start

So, I just had a wonderful conversation with my mama about my relationship. It was inspirational, realistic and motivational. We talked for probably about an hour, skipping from subject to subject of course but we stopped at Rhajah. My mother likes her... and that makes me really happy. But here's what I want to talk about. Right before we got off the phone, Dash, my moms dog started barking and she said, "Oh, well dad's home, let me hop off this phone and get his plate ready."

That sentence... it really hit me hard. Not because of the content of it, but just what it is. I want that and I want it bad. I can see myself as that kind of wife. It's things like that where I feel like I could be a housewife. I know I'm independent and I love being on my own and out in the workforce but... it's such a cute gesture, ya know? I would love to make her dinner and have her plate ready and hot when she sits down. That would be so perfect to me. I mean of course I'd have to learn to cook first, so my version might start off as, "Girl, Rhajah just pulled up let me hop off this phone so I can help make dinner." (And yes I do plan on that being my sentence word for word. She's the only woman I want) One day, I'll be able to make dinner for her and have it ready when she gets home. She's always tired, I would love to do that for her. I don't even care if that means I can only work part time, I'll be home by 2 every day so I can go to the grocery store and have dinner ready by 4:30.

It's crazy how my plans are changing. A few months ago she wanted me to stay home or work part time and I was like you've lost your mind. Honestly, I want to be a Social Work, I just don't think that's something I want to do EVERY DAY. I think I would lose my sanity. I'm completely okay working 3 days a week and bringing in enough income to get my hair and nails done once a week and buy my clothes (because I doubt she'd let me pay for much of anything else). This mindset is nuts to me! I'm looking forward to taking her braids down, washing her hair, pressing it out and rebraiding it. SINCE WHEN!? What has gotten into me?! Whatever it is, I want it to stay.

You know early in my relationship with Rhajah she asked me to sing her a song when I was ready. I sang it when I thought I was ready... but I'm just now really understanding. I'm just now understanding the words behind the song... I'm finally feeling it. It's more than a song to me. I sit here listening to it and tears come into my eyes and slowly fall down my cheeks. I am ready for love.

I may not be able to tell you what love is... but I can tell you what it isn't. It's not selfish, unappreciative, disrespectful, rude, or just a word you say because the other person said it first.

I've always been torn between two different me's. One side of me wanted a family, to stay at home and cook my way through a cookbook and a dessert book. One side of me wants to buy a house that's not completely up to par and fix it up as a couple... TOGETHER.
The other side of me wants to work full time. 40 or more hours a week. Late nights and Early mornings. A blackberry that wont stop ringing. A corner office that overlooks the city. People reporting to me. Business suits and heels everyday. No family. No partner. Maybe a dog and a few fish. A housekeeper and the neighbors kids when I get lonely (if i have time to be lonely)...

I'll take the first option.

Final Choice.

.An Inspired Mind.

Freedom

I'm sitting on my bed recollecting on a conversation I had with a very close friend this morning... So as I sit here on my bed blasting Erykah, I think.

I think about me.
I think about every piece of me that has diminished from this woman I've become
I wonder if this is who I'm destined to be,
or... what someone determined for me.
I think about emptiness.
The definition of me.
A soul that flies free
Not willingly...
But trust me, this body just ain't the place to be.
I wish my soul would take my mind and set it free
Free from the worrying
Take my heart and along with it my pains
Take my doubts
Hell,
I was always worried about her taking her past out on me...
I can't help but take mine out on her...
I should have known this was gonna happen...
I close my eyes to try to rid my worries,
The circle my head, spit in my face and go right back.
I meditate to try to rid my pains
They float above my body and when the 30 minutes is up...
They take their place right back in my heart.
I want to be FREE.
I want to love like I used to.
Full hearted
Unafraid
Unharmed
I want to be FEARLESS
I want to trust her.
She's never done anything to me.
She's never hurt me
She looks out for me
And little does she know
She kisses away my pains
I don't want to fuck this up
But my sub conscience being has a different plan
My sub conscience being hides her love and shows me the pains
It amplifies her insults and silences her compliments.
I want to be FREE.
I want to LOVE like I used to
I want to look in the mirror and feel good
I want to think I'm beautiful...
I want to be FREE
from misconceptions
judgement
pain
distrust
I want to be FREE
I want everyday to feel like she's here...
She is capable of taking all my pains and my struggles with just a touch...
I want to feel like that every day
She makes me feel beautiful when she looks at me...
I want to feel that every day
I'm sick of crying and not wanting her to see my pains
So now I'm at my final straw...
Little does anyone know that I struggle throughout the day
I cry myself to sleep, less now than before but at least once a week...
Not because of her...
Because of me.
My baby is real...
She doesn't hold shit back
But because of my own insecurities I just take that...
Every relationship I've been in, with the exception of one, ended in heartbreak and pain
They all cheated when I thought things were fine...
And now... I'm getting close to a year and I'm sitting here scared
and it shows...
I don't know how to stop it
I know she won't hurt me...
I can't take out what everyone else did on her.
I can't. I shouldn't.
But I do.
I feel alone because she's so busy and she doesn't like being with me or talking to me all day...
Last time someone did me like that...
They cheated...
They lost interest.
Maybe she hasn't but she's going to if I don't pull it together.
And here we go...
My mind says, "So! Let her go. This isn't your fault, its a 2-way street"
My heart says, "Victoria... you better find a way to fix this"
But is it broken?
No...
Is she broken?
Probably not.
So the problem is ME
I want to quit
Apparantly I care ALL THE WRONG WAYS
I can't do anything right
I always make her mad...
I don't know anything except
I love her.
I WANT TO BE FREE
from all that!
from all this!
from heartache and pain
I don't want these trust issues anymore!
I don't want to wonder whether she really loves me!
I know she does!
See somebody is trying to fuck with my head...
AND I'M DONE.
I'm not gonna be the Devil's Rag Doll.
Oh no.
So all these thoughts?
BE GONE.
All the days I think about ending it all, including my existence?
YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE.
Negativity?
WHAT'S THAT?
I have to let this be what it's gonna be...



I wish it was that easy...
For 5 minutes... I felt free.

.An Inspired Mind.

UP and down... UP and down...

So... the title of this blog is my life... no... scratch that. It's the story of the relationship that I don't even know if I have anymore lol. I'm so irritated and so upset that everything is just funny. My eyes want to cry but my mentality is just like lmao. I don't understand!

So I don't really wanna get into exactly what happened because I honestly don't know. We were talking about her meetings that she's going to and she made some comment and I said, "I'm not even thinking about you." and she said, "I know." and some other shit after that. So I'm like good! You cant be mad at something that's your own fault! You wanted to "slow down" and take things one day at a time... well the only way I know how to back off and not always be around is to not give a damn about you. True Story. Do I love her? Absolutely. But if she doesn't want me around I'm gone which is what I've been doing. Shit I've felt single for what, 3 days now?

I think I may have hurt her feelings a little yesterday when I was talking about going out of state for grad school and she wasn't anywhere in my plans, but you know what, that's because I don't feel like I'm in hers. Like I said before when she said her future wife and the love of her life isnt a college student my dreams with her left with a piece of my heart which that sentence just took.

Do I think we can work through this? Hell yea. I think that together we can get through anything because we are both strong women. But in the same token we are both independent women who like shit our way or no way at all. So will we work through it? Probably not, because she only thinks about herself when it comes to our problems. When I want to sit down and really talk about the issue and find a solution its, "I don't even wanna talk about this," or "Here we fuckin' go again," or the even better one, "I'll just talk to you tomorrow... maybe." She reminds me so much of my granddaddy it's ridiculous.

Am I worried? No. About what? For what? She doesn't care enough about me to come back without me begging and I'm done begging her. I'm always begging her... I'm done! I don't want to do it anymore. If she doesn't give a fuck enough to come back on her own then she didn't love me. Love Trumps Pride... I just don't think it will for her...

Am I hurting? Yea... I am. I'm hurting because I love her and I don't know how to deal with her. I'm bitchy, I'm hurting and it's all because of her hurtful ass words that she wont even apologize for... Hell yea I'm hurting. I feel like shit. It's been 8 months and I feel like she will never love me the way I love her. She would never beg for me to stay with her. She probably wouldn't alter who she is for me like I've done for her. I'm sitting here trying to remember who the hell I was before July. I don't even remember.

Here's what I think... I think she was ready to leave last week. I think she came back (after me begging) because after 8 months you get used to someone. I don't think she came back because she loves me, she doesn't want to live without me... Nope. I think she was just comfortable. You know early in our relationship in October we broke up in my room and I was driving her home and she told me that she didn't want to live without me... In October I believed her. If she said that to me now... I would probably laugh because until she sits down and apologizes for what she said to me, until she makes me feel like I'm loved or cared about again... All that "i don't wanna live without you" bullshit just seems like GAME. And I don't have time for it.

I want a woman I can trust, depend on, know that no matter what she has my back... yea I can get that from her. But what I can't get is unconditional love, understanding, compassion, selflessness... I can't get that from her unless I'm sitting right in front of her face. That hurts me... A LOT.

I don't know... I hope we work this out. I hope things get better because she means a lot to me... but if it doesn't... Well, it wasn't meant to.

.An Inspired Mind.

COME ON SUMMERTIME!!!

Hey people!!!

I'm in like the best mood EVER!!! Lmbo! I don't know what it is, maybe its this 70 degrees weather in Michigan in MARCH! lmbo!! AAAHHHHH!!! Whatever it is it's got me geeked! I'm soooo ready for summer! I'm ready to be ridin out with my girls sun roof back blastin music! I'm ready for picnics and walks on the beach with Rhajah, I'm ready for skirts and tank tops!! I'm sooooo excited!! I think I'm mostly ready to get back on the tennis courts. I cant wait, I know my hair is never going to be done if I'm the courts every day though lol I'll probably get some kind of individual braids or something.

I CANT WAIT!!

I can't wait for road trips, amusement parks, cotton candy and elephant ears! Dairy Queen and skating parties! I think I'm going to find someone to teach me how to rollerblade this summer because I really want to learn. I heard it's easier than skating but skating is all I've ever known lol. I'm just soooo excited for summer! The warmer it gets the more it teases my desires.

Anyway... On to a more serious topic lol I'm wondering what's going to happen today. For the last few days my "relationship" (because I really feel like it belongs in quotations right now) has been burning to hell in my eyes and maybe in hers too. So this morning when I woke up she had sent me a message saying she was on her way out and for me to have a nice day, she loves me and that she wants to talk to me about something at around 2... *Looks at time*... It's 10am and the suspense is REALLY killing me!

Aww! She just text me just to say hi... Well... I've got work to do... Siblings Weekend is like 3 weeks away and you know RHA is planning the whole thing so... this siblings carnival is breathing on my neck and pissing me off so I should probably just get it done on my day off! Check in later.

.An Inspired Mind.

"It's Complicated"

You know on facebook when your friends or maybe even you have your relationship status up... "In a Relationship with ______", "Engaged to ______", well... you know what happens when the love of your life becomes the stress of your life? "It's Complicated with ______". Yea that's my life right now. 

July of 2009 I came across the most wonderful woman in the entire world... She was smart, funny, caring and so sweet. She was there, ALWAYS. She worked but in her day she found time to send me a message, even if it was just a smiley face and a message saying, "Hope to talk to you later". I was in a completely different relationship when this woman appeared and swept me off my feet. She made me laugh, blush, smile and laugh harder. She was a comfort... I didn't think I would be with her but within a short period of time there was no one else I could think of. I found myself telling my girlfriend at the time about this woman who was absolutely grand. My relationship was on the rocks because of it too lol and then finally I left my girlfriend to be with this woman who captivated my thoughts. 

I knew that she was gonna be my future, my love and my life but something happened... in my mind I made her my future, I made her my one and only but I don't think she made me the same. Or maybe she did and I lost it... I don't know... But ever since our "break up" last week I think... My heart has just been crying. Crying out for her to comfort me but it hasn't happened... I hurt from the words she said to me... I hurt because I know I hurt her without even trying... I hurt because I can't let go of the fact that "her future wife and the love of her life is not a college student"... I cry because with that sentence went all my dreams, and I doubt she knows or even cares. There was nothing I wanted more than to be with her forever, but now I'm just trying to figure out what I am to her... 

She loves me but I honestly just don't think she wants to be with me, I think she just wants to date me. There's such a huge difference. It hurts me to my core. I mean that sentence... "her future wife and the love of her life is not a college student" it cuts me daily... more than once a day and I fight back tears knowing that I'm not what she wants to be with just whats here right now... I go through the day hoping that she will say something that makes me feel like more than just an accessory to life and each day, night comes and my heart still hurts. She's so busy now... I mean I'm busy too but I don't know... I knew she was going to be busier as summer got closer but I kinda just feel blown off. I mean she didn't even answer my calls or texts yesterday after noon... Not even a random, "I love you" text like she always sends... but those seem to be forced these days too. Maybe this is a way of someone telling me to put myself first again. She doesn't want to be my everything but I love her and because of that, that's just where she belongs and stays... She doesn't care whether she's my world or not... In a way I don't care whether I'm actually her everything or nothing at all... I just want to feel like I'm something ALL THE TIME. Not just when life's not hectic... i don't know... 

Maybe I am needy, maybe I do want too much. Maybe it's my fault I feel like this because I made her into my future in my head... Maybe it's my fault because I love her too much... Maybe we should switch places for a day so I can see where she's coming from as far me being smothering and she can see how I feel when she just doesn't care about me or whether I'm with her or not. Maybe we should have never made it official so quickly... Maybe the fact that I'm social and my own person will be the reason we don't work. Maybe her attitudes and lack of compassion and caring will be the reason I leave... Or maybe the way I kiss her and show her my love in all those "feminine ways" will be the reason we last a lifetime... Maybe the way I can depend on her for anything and the softness that shows in her eyes when she looks at me will seal the deal one day... But for now...

It's just complicated...

.An Inspired Mind.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Brief Wishes...

I wish I smoked...


I wish I was 21...


And I really wish I had a car.


Fuck My Life.

The Break-Up Blues...

I just realized I have to take this god damned necklace off! SHIT!

Fucking waterworks all over again. I love this damn necklace but it doesn't mean anything anymore. I wish she would have never given me this.

I'm fucking hyperventilating just trying to take this shit off.

Okay I got it off... I'm fucking crying again damnit.

I've got to be strong. I have to be. It's best for her... I have to do this for her... I have to go... and go completely.

I've realized that every playlist I have is now my fucking enemy... stupid love songs that don't stand for anything. It's going to be a WHOLE LOT of alternative, heavy metal "I HATE YOU" (even though I don't hate her lol) type of songs for the next few weeks... I'll probably never be able to like Trust by Keyshia Cole and Monica again and it will be a while before I can sing my Whitney Houston songs. I don't even want to touch my guitar... she really liked that song I wrote... Like genuinely liked it... UGGHHHH this hurts sooo bad.

I have swollen eyes, a stuffy nose and a headache... I think I'm going to sleep today and give myself a chance to get my shit together. I am my mothers child. I am strong, smart and beautiful. I will get through this...

Fuck... I have Sociology tutoring at noon...

I just text her seeing if she wants the necklace back... Maybe she could return it and get her money back or at least a store credit.

I'm going to throw away these rose bushes when I get up... I can't let go of the stuffed animals... This one doesn't smell like her anymore lol I sniffed all that out a long time ago and the other one is still in the bag.

She doesn't want the necklace back... I want to put it back on, but... I feel like thats wrong...

I don't know... Maybe I will go to class just to get my mind off of this...

If anyone is reading this blog, you know... I'm sorry for how fucked up my thoughts are right now...

Why couldn't I just be what she needed? Why did that have to be the one plate I couldn't seem to step up to no matter how hard I tried?! This is going to be hard...

I'm going to try to go back to sleep...

I have officially gone through a whole box of Kleenex.

.An Inspired Mind.

Don't Type, Listen

"Don't type... Listen"

Those were the words that told me nothing good was coming afterwards... The words that made my eyes water before they were pushed to tears...

I've been sitting here thinking since she left... She told me that being with me hurt her; physically, mentally and emotionally... Who the hell am I to ask someone to stay in that situation. It's one of those, if you love me then let me go type of things and as I sit here broken into a million tiny pieces... I understand. I'm crying because I hate to see her go... but more so because I should have known. I fell in love with a grown woman when I'm still developing into the woman I'm trying to be. There was absolutely no way I could keep her, and I should have known that. I'm so stupid.

Here I am thinking she was keeping me from my dreams and holding me back and I was holding her back too. It's painful... It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. I could have dealt with the fact that she was leaving, hell it wouldn't be the first time, but she left because I was never good enough. I can't say that I regret being with her... I mean I've come so far from when we first met. I am a beautiful young woman, I mean I was going to get here eventually, but she pushed me in the right direction and I'm here. I have arrived.

She was my heart, but she cant be anymore because I can't hurt her. I have to walk away with my head high and know that one day there will be a woman who will love me unconditionally and love me for EVERYTHING about me, not just bits and pieces. She will love that I'm so social, she will adore how hard I work, she will stand by my side no matter what and she will trust me as I trust her. One day I'll find the woman I was made for... or maybe she'll find me. I wanted her to be it, and I wanted it bad. But sometimes what you want isn't what you need.

I have officially deleted her numbers out of my phone... Now I just have to forget them... and in turn forget her. Pretend she never happened and let her go so I wont hurt her anymore. I can't hurt the one I love knowingly... I'm an asshole, I can be a bitch but I'm not heartless.

So work with me here... I'm starting from scratch, on my own and you're gonna have to work with me... I'm a tad bit broken, really bruised and I feel all alone... But I know I'll make it through, slowly but surely, I have to.

And Rhajah... If you're reading this... I will always love you... Goodbye.

.An Inspired Mind.

p.s. I think maybe I'll blog everyday so ya'll can watch my progress... It's going to be a journey but I always step up to the plate.

So... what's wrong?

Hey everyone!!

K, so... I guess sometime last night Rhajah decided she wants to be with me... idk when but, she did. All I know is she called me baby and it completely turned my world upside down because I honestly believed she was gone, I had pretty much given up, and if I was lucky we would be friends. I'm happy, I'm thankful, but nothing feels the same...

And that's my fault. See... after I've been hurt, I put this metal guard around my heart that will shock anyone who tries to touch it... But why am I doing this with her? I love her... I know she didn't mean to hurt me the way she did. Hell, she may not even know that when she left it hurt me this bad. So why is my guard up to her... As I'm typing I feel it coming down some... I'm smiling thinking about her and our times together. We have so much going for us... At least I think so.

(I'm hungry... brb)

30 minutes later....

So... I found out yesterday that in the Fall I will be formally accepted into the Social Work program at OU, so I'm not transferring anywhere when my Academic Advisor just told me that if I go Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring Summer... I'll graduate Fall of 2011 of Winter 2012 at the latest! Thats not that far off! I'm really excited about my life and where it's going. For a little while I felt like everything I was doing was really headed on the path to no where but now things are starting to clear up for me and independence and the rest of my life are right around the corner. It's a damn good feeling.

I've decided what my goal is for my relationship... Before we broke up on Wednesday, Rhajah used to always tell me that I don't let her miss me... My goal is for her to actually mean it when she says I miss you too. I mean of course I'm going to talk to her all the time and I'll text her throughout the day but I'm not going to be attached to her leg like I was before lol I'm walking on my own now. I think it's a lot better of a relationship when the person you're with is walking beside you not holding onto you dragging on the ground. And I feel like thats exactly what I was doing. So this time around I'm going to try a little something different with her. Instead of always chasing her and fighting for her time, I'm going to get a freakin hobby and let her come to me when she wants to and when she has time. Before you start thinking I'm nuts and it's never going to work... I'm not saying I'm never going to come to her. Of course I will, she's my baby, my love. I'm going to call her just to say hey and I love you all the time. But instead of her being like OMG wtf does she want now... I'll be a nice little refreshment in a hard day. I don't want to be the annoying girlfriend who never goes away. I want to be the wife who knows how to make her smile in the middle of the day.

Thats the goal.

Wow... I started blogging, got hungry so I cooked breakfast, and I came back to finish and now I feel refreshed. I feel wonderful. No pain. All smiles. I'm happy. I'm in love and I'm loving it.

.An Inspired Mind.

Being told about yourself

(THERE WILL BE NO CENSORING IN THIS BLOG)

Hey Ppl!

So... for the last few days I've been told about myself, and ya'll know what I mean. When someone throws reality in your face and that shit hits you hard. You sit there for a whole day like, "What the fuck was that supposed to mean!?" Well... Let me put you up to speed on just the important shit.

Me and Rhajah broke up... it's been horrible and it's only been a day... I've been an emotional wreck. It's like my world has turned itself upside down and I just don't understand why... Well thats not true... I do know why. See, I've been through the whole break up "Bitch get outta my face" thing before... I've been through the "I just can't do this shit anymore" thing, and I've been broken up with... But I've never been broken up with by someone who means more to me than myself...

I guess she got fed up with all the outside bullshit. My friends all up in our shit, people all up in our shit and just random bullshit on top of my bullshit. I mean I guess all the stuff I go through is enough to drive anyone mad and then to have to deal with my stupid ass friends just pushed stuff over the edge. So I deleted my facebook, well deactivated since facebook since they done give you the option to "delete" (what kind of shit is that!?). Anyway... I got rid of all outside people so that we could focus on us and just us... So I've spent hours and probably a million text messages telling her that I don't want to be without her because she's my world (because she wont answer my calls... ouch).

So all week she's had these meetings that last ALL DAY and that doesn't bother me... okay I kinda miss her during the day because she's busy and I'm used to being able to text her throughout the day... So... I've been texting her throughout the day (yesterday and this morning) trying to tell her that I don't want to be without her and I guess I didn't think how irritating I am being. I mean... if the tables were turned and I was sitting in a meeting and she kept texting me I would be like oh my god shut the fuck up already so... yea I cant blame her for what she said to me... She told me that I'm being annoying and childish... and then when I told her that I just didn't want to lose her she asked me if it ever occurred to me that the reason she doesn't want to be with me is because I'm "NEEDY, SMOTHERING AND DEMANDING".

....................................................................................................................................................................

yea... so... uhh NO! I didn't think of that because I didn't know I was being any of those, shit... So this shit is going to marinate in my mind for like... days I know it. I guess I can see where she's coming from... She's busy all day and she works and I have class so at the end of the day I want her to myself, I guess that could be Needy and Smothering. I wanted to spend time with her regardless of what she had to do for Valentine's Day and threw a bitch fit about it, Needy and Demanding. I get a tad bit irritated when she has a full day and I don't because I'm going to miss her all day... Needy and Smothering... Okay I see where she's coming from... Damn. GROW UP VICTORIA! Shit. When I got into this relationship I didn't need shit from her or anyone else, I was doing the damn thing and I didn't care if I talked to her or not but when I did it was a nice surprise. Then all of a sudden I fell in love and became child like. UGH! Nobody likes someone like that. I'm a grown ass woman, what the fuck am I doing?! Talking to her should be something that brightens up my day as a surprise and not an expectation.

It's time for me to get my independence back. Ugh... I'm really irritated and quite disgusted with this child like attitude I've taken up. I want to be with a grown ass woman, I gotta get back to my grown ass woman.

This shit is not sexy, it's ignorant.

I need a fuckin hobby so I'm not always trying to talk to her because that's what the fuck happened. I stopped everything in my life because I wanted her. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to be with her. That's not what this is about. I am a beautiful, strong willed, and outspoken young woman. Not this shit I've been acting like. Somewhere down the line I lost myself... It's time for me to start putting me first again and remembering who the hell I am. I can love her and show her that while still doing my own thing and handling my own business. I don't need to be up under her ass all the time and I don't need to talk to her all the time. What the fuck happened to me?!

Say it with me, "Welcome Back Victoria Ashley, where the fuck you been bitch?!"

.An Inspired Mind.

Realization...

Hey Ya'll!

I hope you're doing okay. Happy Valentines Day!!! 


So this year on Valentines Day I've been given one of the best presents any person could ask for. And I know if you've read my blog from last night you probably think that I'm losing my mind lol but I promise I'm not. This year for Valentines Day I've been given insight. 


Last night Rhajah called me so upset with me because of my blog... And honest to goodness I didn't mean to hurt her or upset her with it... I just wanted to air out some feelings you know? Just debrief... She was so pissed off. She wouldn't let me call her baby because she didn't know if it was genuine and she even asked me if I was just pretending to be nice when we first got on the phone...


Last night I realized that I'm the asshole in our relationship. I realized that I'm the one who always pushed for more, I always want something, nothing's ever good enough... I realized that even though I said we didn't even need to have a Valentines Day, deep down I really wanted one. I realized that I'm a selfish, unsatisfied bitch... I mean wow... Rhajah got me the most beautiful flowers in the world, I mean they are perfect! And I don't know how she knew but it was like all my favorites in one vase. I love them! But I was still sad that I wasn't going to be able to feel her arms around me at night. 


She's not the major issue in our relationship, it's me. And I've never been able to see that until now. She tries to give me the world and I just ask for more... This is not the person I want to be. AT ALL. I hate people like me... So, I'm going to do something about it.


I'm really in deep shock, I don't even know what to feel. I'm kinda disgusted with myself and admiring her... How could she deal with me for this long? 


So Rhajah, if you're reading this... I'm sorry... I didn't realize that I was so hard to deal with... I didn't realize that I'm such a bitch sometimes. I'm really sorry. I'm going to work my butt off to change that. I do appreciate you and I'm so sorry that it rarely shows. You do so much for me and I just never even take the time out of my day to really think about it all. I think we balance each other out when it comes to give and take in a relationship but there's no need to give when the other person doesn't appreciate it. So I'm sorry, all these times that you've called me selfish and unappreciative... You were right... I just wasn't seeing it.

I see it now. I'm changing it now. I'm bettering myself. I'm becoming the woman I need to be. The first step to correcting a problem is noticing it's there. 


I am lucky to have such a wonderful woman in my life. She's amazing and she's real about her shit. She takes care of business first and plays later. She's absolutely irreplaceable and it's time I started acting like it. I don't deserve her, but I will.


You know maybe that's the reason I felt so unloved and unappreciated... Maybe because thats how I treat her... Treat others the way you want to be treated and those good deeds will be done onto you. 


She is my world, the stars in my sky and the other half to my heart... I love this woman more than I knew love allowed one to love. I don't ever want her to walk away from me, so it's time to work on some things.


.An Inspired & Determined Mind.