Internal Struggles

So... maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm the idiot who fell for someone a little too hard, a little too fast. 

Maybe I should look harder before I leap.

Maybe everything really isn't what it seems.

Maybe love and trust are all a game.

Maybe it was meant to be this way.

It's not your fault I'm hurting...

I just don't want to cry.

I'm internalizing all my pains so that I can wipe your eyes.

Maybe this is foolish.

Maybe I'm just blind.

Jumping into one relationship when you haven't left the other one behind.

So my pains are all my problem.

They are all my fault.

I pray for guidance and I get no response.

I'm lost in a world of deceit and lies.

If you're hurt who's going to wipe my eyes?

I'm sick of hearing her name.

I'm tired of you caring.

How am I supposed to take my place,

If I feel like I'm constantly sharing.

Somethings got to give,

This isn't what I wanted.

Now everyday just feels like another day that's haunted.

Every time I'm with you, her name comes up.

Now I'm starting to wonder why you're even moving your stuff...

You care too much,

I don't even have your full heart.

I'll probably never get it,

It was all a game from the start.

She plays and you play back.

Both of ya'll are addicted to a game,

I've been there, done that.

I see where this is going,

It ain't looking good.

My heart wants to pull out now 

It will only hurt a little...

But something tells me you need me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the glue that holds you together.

I'm the sanity that keeps you strong.

But this shit is getting old. 

You said I wouldn't ever have to deal with her...

You told me that part of your life was done...

But for some reason she knows all our business and what's to come.

So forgive me if I'm bitter

Excuse me if I'm rude

But it's my place as your woman to be a tad bit prude. 

I want to run in the opposite direction

But it hurts too much to leave

I love the way you make me feel

I love your touch, 

How our conversations have always been so real.

I love how you make me smile and how I can do the same 

But I'm beginning to feel like I don't belong.

I'm scared that you'll push me away

I'm terrified that nothing I do matters

I work my ass off to understand

I do things just to make you smile

But when it comes down to it...

I always lose...

She always ruins it.

So what am I supposed to do?

I feel like I'm in a relationship with you and her

Her fuckin' name comes up so much I get sick

I just want to call it quits

You don't know what you want

And me? I'm already sick of this shit.

I just can't leave you and internally...

I'm crying.

I'm dying.

I'm stressing.

I'm lying.

I'm burning.

I'm sighing.

I'm hurting.

But I'm trying...

Disappointed... But Why?

Good Morning Good People!

So, today, well last night I felt like an idiot and it's carrying over into this morning. As you well know from my last blog, me and Rhajah broke up. About a week and a half after our breakup she asked me if I could see her starting over with me... Of course I said yes. I mean I did think she could start over if she tried. She asked me out on a date that Saturday (2 weeks ago) and I went. It was great! We went back to the places we went on our first date a year ago. Walked the beach again, I sat in her arms again and felt like I was where I belonged. We did something new though, something I had been talking about for a while. We had a picnic and barbecued right off the beach. It was great, we put the grill together, together lol. It was hot as hell but we still enjoyed each others company. She fed me grapes, strawberries, polish sausage and even corn on the cob as I laid back soaking up the sun. When I kissed her my world felt right but my heart was still hesitant. After our picnic we packed up and went to the antique car show, which she absolutely hates, but I'm into that kind of stuff so she sucked it up and walked through it with me. I kinda realized that it was a mistake when she snapped on me about ice cream... I guess I took to long deciding if I wanted it or not... That threw me off but I brushed it off. After the car show I took her home and I couldn't hold it in anymore. There were so many questions I needed answered. We talked for about 30 minutes and got everything out in the open but I still didn't believe it or her. We planned another date for 2 weeks from then (this Saturday). We decided that we wouldn't try to pick up where we left off but that instead we were "Starting over, better". I left there with a sore heart. 

Since that weekend, things have been nice. We've talked but not all day, everyday. Just when we could squeeze each other in because I was so busy with school and she works too much so... it is what it is. Wednesday night her cell phone got turned off and I wasn't trippin because I thought it was going to be turned off Tuesday and she was supposed to pay the bill Tuesday. I figured she had gotten really busy and didn't have time. Then Thursday I know she has a morning class from 8am to noon so I just knew after class she would go pay the bill... no... she didn't. So I sent emails, beginning to worry. No response. So my insides are churning because I'm uneasy. So finally as a last resort I send a message to her on Yahoo Messenger, I just so happen to know her screen name because we aren't friends on anything. Her ass had the nerve to write me right back saying she would get it turned back on tomorrow. Mind you, I've been going through hell in my house for the past few days and I needed her to be there for me. Did she care? No. She said, "I gave up that obligation baby." I asked her if we were still on for Saturday... She says she doesn't know because she's really busy. I'm laughing because she hasn't changed for shit. I'm crying because I wanted her to at least be able to keep her word for ONCE. I'm hurting because I was looking forward to going to the arcade, go kart racing and laser tag with her. I'm pissed because I should have known. 

I'm disappointed, but why? 

She's always planned shit and had to cancel. ALWAYS. She's never been able to keep a date. And then I realized that this was supposed to be her trying to start over with me not me holding us together like I used to. I'm not about to be the glue in something that she's supposed to be trying to rebuild. If I'm not that damn important then fuck it. She planned a date 2 weeks ago. If she couldn't plan her schedule around that date it just shows me how much regard she gives me. None. So I deleted her out of my phone only to realize I needed her in my contacts so I could select the "Automatically send calls to voicemail" button next to her name. Since I'm so unimportant to her and my feelings just don't matter I put her in my phone as what I am to her, "Not Important". I'm sick of being a last priority, I dealt with that shit when we were together. I'm tired of her cancelling everything I look forward to. So... I'm not going to give her anything else to cancel. I'm sick of her ripping my heart into pieces depending on her mood, so I'm taking my heart back, as much as it may hurt. She'll never have it again because she doesn't know how to treat it. I will no longer care, I won't run back... to what? Someone who can't fit me into her schedule? Lol yea right. And the bad thing is that I told her before we even went on our first date that I don't fit into her goal of retiring by 35, I have no place there. She planned it without having a partner so... while I could try to squeeze myself in, it's a very uncomfortable squeeze that I'm not up for. I quit. Maybe one day she'll be willing to work as hard for me as she does for her retirement. And maybe when that day comes I won't want to basically spit in her face like she did to me. 

She probably wouldn't like that, but right now I don't care about her feelings, I don't care whether she would like it or not. I don't care about her heart, which barely exists at all. I don't care. I'm not here for her anymore, I'm not an ear to listen, I'm not. I'm not a caring person who will always be there. You know what... Simply put...

"I gave up that obligation baby."


And now I need to work on finding scholarships so that I can go to University of Arizona for grad school because right now, she's not worth me staying in Michigan.

.An Inspired Mind.