What a mothers words can start

So, I just had a wonderful conversation with my mama about my relationship. It was inspirational, realistic and motivational. We talked for probably about an hour, skipping from subject to subject of course but we stopped at Rhajah. My mother likes her... and that makes me really happy. But here's what I want to talk about. Right before we got off the phone, Dash, my moms dog started barking and she said, "Oh, well dad's home, let me hop off this phone and get his plate ready."

That sentence... it really hit me hard. Not because of the content of it, but just what it is. I want that and I want it bad. I can see myself as that kind of wife. It's things like that where I feel like I could be a housewife. I know I'm independent and I love being on my own and out in the workforce but... it's such a cute gesture, ya know? I would love to make her dinner and have her plate ready and hot when she sits down. That would be so perfect to me. I mean of course I'd have to learn to cook first, so my version might start off as, "Girl, Rhajah just pulled up let me hop off this phone so I can help make dinner." (And yes I do plan on that being my sentence word for word. She's the only woman I want) One day, I'll be able to make dinner for her and have it ready when she gets home. She's always tired, I would love to do that for her. I don't even care if that means I can only work part time, I'll be home by 2 every day so I can go to the grocery store and have dinner ready by 4:30.

It's crazy how my plans are changing. A few months ago she wanted me to stay home or work part time and I was like you've lost your mind. Honestly, I want to be a Social Work, I just don't think that's something I want to do EVERY DAY. I think I would lose my sanity. I'm completely okay working 3 days a week and bringing in enough income to get my hair and nails done once a week and buy my clothes (because I doubt she'd let me pay for much of anything else). This mindset is nuts to me! I'm looking forward to taking her braids down, washing her hair, pressing it out and rebraiding it. SINCE WHEN!? What has gotten into me?! Whatever it is, I want it to stay.

You know early in my relationship with Rhajah she asked me to sing her a song when I was ready. I sang it when I thought I was ready... but I'm just now really understanding. I'm just now understanding the words behind the song... I'm finally feeling it. It's more than a song to me. I sit here listening to it and tears come into my eyes and slowly fall down my cheeks. I am ready for love.

I may not be able to tell you what love is... but I can tell you what it isn't. It's not selfish, unappreciative, disrespectful, rude, or just a word you say because the other person said it first.

I've always been torn between two different me's. One side of me wanted a family, to stay at home and cook my way through a cookbook and a dessert book. One side of me wants to buy a house that's not completely up to par and fix it up as a couple... TOGETHER.
The other side of me wants to work full time. 40 or more hours a week. Late nights and Early mornings. A blackberry that wont stop ringing. A corner office that overlooks the city. People reporting to me. Business suits and heels everyday. No family. No partner. Maybe a dog and a few fish. A housekeeper and the neighbors kids when I get lonely (if i have time to be lonely)...

I'll take the first option.

Final Choice.

.An Inspired Mind.

Freedom

I'm sitting on my bed recollecting on a conversation I had with a very close friend this morning... So as I sit here on my bed blasting Erykah, I think.

I think about me.
I think about every piece of me that has diminished from this woman I've become
I wonder if this is who I'm destined to be,
or... what someone determined for me.
I think about emptiness.
The definition of me.
A soul that flies free
Not willingly...
But trust me, this body just ain't the place to be.
I wish my soul would take my mind and set it free
Free from the worrying
Take my heart and along with it my pains
Take my doubts
Hell,
I was always worried about her taking her past out on me...
I can't help but take mine out on her...
I should have known this was gonna happen...
I close my eyes to try to rid my worries,
The circle my head, spit in my face and go right back.
I meditate to try to rid my pains
They float above my body and when the 30 minutes is up...
They take their place right back in my heart.
I want to be FREE.
I want to love like I used to.
Full hearted
Unafraid
Unharmed
I want to be FEARLESS
I want to trust her.
She's never done anything to me.
She's never hurt me
She looks out for me
And little does she know
She kisses away my pains
I don't want to fuck this up
But my sub conscience being has a different plan
My sub conscience being hides her love and shows me the pains
It amplifies her insults and silences her compliments.
I want to be FREE.
I want to LOVE like I used to
I want to look in the mirror and feel good
I want to think I'm beautiful...
I want to be FREE
from misconceptions
judgement
pain
distrust
I want to be FREE
I want everyday to feel like she's here...
She is capable of taking all my pains and my struggles with just a touch...
I want to feel like that every day
She makes me feel beautiful when she looks at me...
I want to feel that every day
I'm sick of crying and not wanting her to see my pains
So now I'm at my final straw...
Little does anyone know that I struggle throughout the day
I cry myself to sleep, less now than before but at least once a week...
Not because of her...
Because of me.
My baby is real...
She doesn't hold shit back
But because of my own insecurities I just take that...
Every relationship I've been in, with the exception of one, ended in heartbreak and pain
They all cheated when I thought things were fine...
And now... I'm getting close to a year and I'm sitting here scared
and it shows...
I don't know how to stop it
I know she won't hurt me...
I can't take out what everyone else did on her.
I can't. I shouldn't.
But I do.
I feel alone because she's so busy and she doesn't like being with me or talking to me all day...
Last time someone did me like that...
They cheated...
They lost interest.
Maybe she hasn't but she's going to if I don't pull it together.
And here we go...
My mind says, "So! Let her go. This isn't your fault, its a 2-way street"
My heart says, "Victoria... you better find a way to fix this"
But is it broken?
No...
Is she broken?
Probably not.
So the problem is ME
I want to quit
Apparantly I care ALL THE WRONG WAYS
I can't do anything right
I always make her mad...
I don't know anything except
I love her.
I WANT TO BE FREE
from all that!
from all this!
from heartache and pain
I don't want these trust issues anymore!
I don't want to wonder whether she really loves me!
I know she does!
See somebody is trying to fuck with my head...
AND I'M DONE.
I'm not gonna be the Devil's Rag Doll.
Oh no.
So all these thoughts?
BE GONE.
All the days I think about ending it all, including my existence?
YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE.
Negativity?
WHAT'S THAT?
I have to let this be what it's gonna be...



I wish it was that easy...
For 5 minutes... I felt free.

.An Inspired Mind.

UP and down... UP and down...

So... the title of this blog is my life... no... scratch that. It's the story of the relationship that I don't even know if I have anymore lol. I'm so irritated and so upset that everything is just funny. My eyes want to cry but my mentality is just like lmao. I don't understand!

So I don't really wanna get into exactly what happened because I honestly don't know. We were talking about her meetings that she's going to and she made some comment and I said, "I'm not even thinking about you." and she said, "I know." and some other shit after that. So I'm like good! You cant be mad at something that's your own fault! You wanted to "slow down" and take things one day at a time... well the only way I know how to back off and not always be around is to not give a damn about you. True Story. Do I love her? Absolutely. But if she doesn't want me around I'm gone which is what I've been doing. Shit I've felt single for what, 3 days now?

I think I may have hurt her feelings a little yesterday when I was talking about going out of state for grad school and she wasn't anywhere in my plans, but you know what, that's because I don't feel like I'm in hers. Like I said before when she said her future wife and the love of her life isnt a college student my dreams with her left with a piece of my heart which that sentence just took.

Do I think we can work through this? Hell yea. I think that together we can get through anything because we are both strong women. But in the same token we are both independent women who like shit our way or no way at all. So will we work through it? Probably not, because she only thinks about herself when it comes to our problems. When I want to sit down and really talk about the issue and find a solution its, "I don't even wanna talk about this," or "Here we fuckin' go again," or the even better one, "I'll just talk to you tomorrow... maybe." She reminds me so much of my granddaddy it's ridiculous.

Am I worried? No. About what? For what? She doesn't care enough about me to come back without me begging and I'm done begging her. I'm always begging her... I'm done! I don't want to do it anymore. If she doesn't give a fuck enough to come back on her own then she didn't love me. Love Trumps Pride... I just don't think it will for her...

Am I hurting? Yea... I am. I'm hurting because I love her and I don't know how to deal with her. I'm bitchy, I'm hurting and it's all because of her hurtful ass words that she wont even apologize for... Hell yea I'm hurting. I feel like shit. It's been 8 months and I feel like she will never love me the way I love her. She would never beg for me to stay with her. She probably wouldn't alter who she is for me like I've done for her. I'm sitting here trying to remember who the hell I was before July. I don't even remember.

Here's what I think... I think she was ready to leave last week. I think she came back (after me begging) because after 8 months you get used to someone. I don't think she came back because she loves me, she doesn't want to live without me... Nope. I think she was just comfortable. You know early in our relationship in October we broke up in my room and I was driving her home and she told me that she didn't want to live without me... In October I believed her. If she said that to me now... I would probably laugh because until she sits down and apologizes for what she said to me, until she makes me feel like I'm loved or cared about again... All that "i don't wanna live without you" bullshit just seems like GAME. And I don't have time for it.

I want a woman I can trust, depend on, know that no matter what she has my back... yea I can get that from her. But what I can't get is unconditional love, understanding, compassion, selflessness... I can't get that from her unless I'm sitting right in front of her face. That hurts me... A LOT.

I don't know... I hope we work this out. I hope things get better because she means a lot to me... but if it doesn't... Well, it wasn't meant to.

.An Inspired Mind.

COME ON SUMMERTIME!!!

Hey people!!!

I'm in like the best mood EVER!!! Lmbo! I don't know what it is, maybe its this 70 degrees weather in Michigan in MARCH! lmbo!! AAAHHHHH!!! Whatever it is it's got me geeked! I'm soooo ready for summer! I'm ready to be ridin out with my girls sun roof back blastin music! I'm ready for picnics and walks on the beach with Rhajah, I'm ready for skirts and tank tops!! I'm sooooo excited!! I think I'm mostly ready to get back on the tennis courts. I cant wait, I know my hair is never going to be done if I'm the courts every day though lol I'll probably get some kind of individual braids or something.

I CANT WAIT!!

I can't wait for road trips, amusement parks, cotton candy and elephant ears! Dairy Queen and skating parties! I think I'm going to find someone to teach me how to rollerblade this summer because I really want to learn. I heard it's easier than skating but skating is all I've ever known lol. I'm just soooo excited for summer! The warmer it gets the more it teases my desires.

Anyway... On to a more serious topic lol I'm wondering what's going to happen today. For the last few days my "relationship" (because I really feel like it belongs in quotations right now) has been burning to hell in my eyes and maybe in hers too. So this morning when I woke up she had sent me a message saying she was on her way out and for me to have a nice day, she loves me and that she wants to talk to me about something at around 2... *Looks at time*... It's 10am and the suspense is REALLY killing me!

Aww! She just text me just to say hi... Well... I've got work to do... Siblings Weekend is like 3 weeks away and you know RHA is planning the whole thing so... this siblings carnival is breathing on my neck and pissing me off so I should probably just get it done on my day off! Check in later.

.An Inspired Mind.

"It's Complicated"

You know on facebook when your friends or maybe even you have your relationship status up... "In a Relationship with ______", "Engaged to ______", well... you know what happens when the love of your life becomes the stress of your life? "It's Complicated with ______". Yea that's my life right now. 

July of 2009 I came across the most wonderful woman in the entire world... She was smart, funny, caring and so sweet. She was there, ALWAYS. She worked but in her day she found time to send me a message, even if it was just a smiley face and a message saying, "Hope to talk to you later". I was in a completely different relationship when this woman appeared and swept me off my feet. She made me laugh, blush, smile and laugh harder. She was a comfort... I didn't think I would be with her but within a short period of time there was no one else I could think of. I found myself telling my girlfriend at the time about this woman who was absolutely grand. My relationship was on the rocks because of it too lol and then finally I left my girlfriend to be with this woman who captivated my thoughts. 

I knew that she was gonna be my future, my love and my life but something happened... in my mind I made her my future, I made her my one and only but I don't think she made me the same. Or maybe she did and I lost it... I don't know... But ever since our "break up" last week I think... My heart has just been crying. Crying out for her to comfort me but it hasn't happened... I hurt from the words she said to me... I hurt because I know I hurt her without even trying... I hurt because I can't let go of the fact that "her future wife and the love of her life is not a college student"... I cry because with that sentence went all my dreams, and I doubt she knows or even cares. There was nothing I wanted more than to be with her forever, but now I'm just trying to figure out what I am to her... 

She loves me but I honestly just don't think she wants to be with me, I think she just wants to date me. There's such a huge difference. It hurts me to my core. I mean that sentence... "her future wife and the love of her life is not a college student" it cuts me daily... more than once a day and I fight back tears knowing that I'm not what she wants to be with just whats here right now... I go through the day hoping that she will say something that makes me feel like more than just an accessory to life and each day, night comes and my heart still hurts. She's so busy now... I mean I'm busy too but I don't know... I knew she was going to be busier as summer got closer but I kinda just feel blown off. I mean she didn't even answer my calls or texts yesterday after noon... Not even a random, "I love you" text like she always sends... but those seem to be forced these days too. Maybe this is a way of someone telling me to put myself first again. She doesn't want to be my everything but I love her and because of that, that's just where she belongs and stays... She doesn't care whether she's my world or not... In a way I don't care whether I'm actually her everything or nothing at all... I just want to feel like I'm something ALL THE TIME. Not just when life's not hectic... i don't know... 

Maybe I am needy, maybe I do want too much. Maybe it's my fault I feel like this because I made her into my future in my head... Maybe it's my fault because I love her too much... Maybe we should switch places for a day so I can see where she's coming from as far me being smothering and she can see how I feel when she just doesn't care about me or whether I'm with her or not. Maybe we should have never made it official so quickly... Maybe the fact that I'm social and my own person will be the reason we don't work. Maybe her attitudes and lack of compassion and caring will be the reason I leave... Or maybe the way I kiss her and show her my love in all those "feminine ways" will be the reason we last a lifetime... Maybe the way I can depend on her for anything and the softness that shows in her eyes when she looks at me will seal the deal one day... But for now...

It's just complicated...

.An Inspired Mind.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Brief Wishes...

I wish I smoked...


I wish I was 21...


And I really wish I had a car.


Fuck My Life.

The Break-Up Blues...

I just realized I have to take this god damned necklace off! SHIT!

Fucking waterworks all over again. I love this damn necklace but it doesn't mean anything anymore. I wish she would have never given me this.

I'm fucking hyperventilating just trying to take this shit off.

Okay I got it off... I'm fucking crying again damnit.

I've got to be strong. I have to be. It's best for her... I have to do this for her... I have to go... and go completely.

I've realized that every playlist I have is now my fucking enemy... stupid love songs that don't stand for anything. It's going to be a WHOLE LOT of alternative, heavy metal "I HATE YOU" (even though I don't hate her lol) type of songs for the next few weeks... I'll probably never be able to like Trust by Keyshia Cole and Monica again and it will be a while before I can sing my Whitney Houston songs. I don't even want to touch my guitar... she really liked that song I wrote... Like genuinely liked it... UGGHHHH this hurts sooo bad.

I have swollen eyes, a stuffy nose and a headache... I think I'm going to sleep today and give myself a chance to get my shit together. I am my mothers child. I am strong, smart and beautiful. I will get through this...

Fuck... I have Sociology tutoring at noon...

I just text her seeing if she wants the necklace back... Maybe she could return it and get her money back or at least a store credit.

I'm going to throw away these rose bushes when I get up... I can't let go of the stuffed animals... This one doesn't smell like her anymore lol I sniffed all that out a long time ago and the other one is still in the bag.

She doesn't want the necklace back... I want to put it back on, but... I feel like thats wrong...

I don't know... Maybe I will go to class just to get my mind off of this...

If anyone is reading this blog, you know... I'm sorry for how fucked up my thoughts are right now...

Why couldn't I just be what she needed? Why did that have to be the one plate I couldn't seem to step up to no matter how hard I tried?! This is going to be hard...

I'm going to try to go back to sleep...

I have officially gone through a whole box of Kleenex.

.An Inspired Mind.

Don't Type, Listen

"Don't type... Listen"

Those were the words that told me nothing good was coming afterwards... The words that made my eyes water before they were pushed to tears...

I've been sitting here thinking since she left... She told me that being with me hurt her; physically, mentally and emotionally... Who the hell am I to ask someone to stay in that situation. It's one of those, if you love me then let me go type of things and as I sit here broken into a million tiny pieces... I understand. I'm crying because I hate to see her go... but more so because I should have known. I fell in love with a grown woman when I'm still developing into the woman I'm trying to be. There was absolutely no way I could keep her, and I should have known that. I'm so stupid.

Here I am thinking she was keeping me from my dreams and holding me back and I was holding her back too. It's painful... It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. I could have dealt with the fact that she was leaving, hell it wouldn't be the first time, but she left because I was never good enough. I can't say that I regret being with her... I mean I've come so far from when we first met. I am a beautiful young woman, I mean I was going to get here eventually, but she pushed me in the right direction and I'm here. I have arrived.

She was my heart, but she cant be anymore because I can't hurt her. I have to walk away with my head high and know that one day there will be a woman who will love me unconditionally and love me for EVERYTHING about me, not just bits and pieces. She will love that I'm so social, she will adore how hard I work, she will stand by my side no matter what and she will trust me as I trust her. One day I'll find the woman I was made for... or maybe she'll find me. I wanted her to be it, and I wanted it bad. But sometimes what you want isn't what you need.

I have officially deleted her numbers out of my phone... Now I just have to forget them... and in turn forget her. Pretend she never happened and let her go so I wont hurt her anymore. I can't hurt the one I love knowingly... I'm an asshole, I can be a bitch but I'm not heartless.

So work with me here... I'm starting from scratch, on my own and you're gonna have to work with me... I'm a tad bit broken, really bruised and I feel all alone... But I know I'll make it through, slowly but surely, I have to.

And Rhajah... If you're reading this... I will always love you... Goodbye.

.An Inspired Mind.

p.s. I think maybe I'll blog everyday so ya'll can watch my progress... It's going to be a journey but I always step up to the plate.