So... what's wrong?

Hey everyone!!

K, so... I guess sometime last night Rhajah decided she wants to be with me... idk when but, she did. All I know is she called me baby and it completely turned my world upside down because I honestly believed she was gone, I had pretty much given up, and if I was lucky we would be friends. I'm happy, I'm thankful, but nothing feels the same...

And that's my fault. See... after I've been hurt, I put this metal guard around my heart that will shock anyone who tries to touch it... But why am I doing this with her? I love her... I know she didn't mean to hurt me the way she did. Hell, she may not even know that when she left it hurt me this bad. So why is my guard up to her... As I'm typing I feel it coming down some... I'm smiling thinking about her and our times together. We have so much going for us... At least I think so.

(I'm hungry... brb)

30 minutes later....

So... I found out yesterday that in the Fall I will be formally accepted into the Social Work program at OU, so I'm not transferring anywhere when my Academic Advisor just told me that if I go Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring Summer... I'll graduate Fall of 2011 of Winter 2012 at the latest! Thats not that far off! I'm really excited about my life and where it's going. For a little while I felt like everything I was doing was really headed on the path to no where but now things are starting to clear up for me and independence and the rest of my life are right around the corner. It's a damn good feeling.

I've decided what my goal is for my relationship... Before we broke up on Wednesday, Rhajah used to always tell me that I don't let her miss me... My goal is for her to actually mean it when she says I miss you too. I mean of course I'm going to talk to her all the time and I'll text her throughout the day but I'm not going to be attached to her leg like I was before lol I'm walking on my own now. I think it's a lot better of a relationship when the person you're with is walking beside you not holding onto you dragging on the ground. And I feel like thats exactly what I was doing. So this time around I'm going to try a little something different with her. Instead of always chasing her and fighting for her time, I'm going to get a freakin hobby and let her come to me when she wants to and when she has time. Before you start thinking I'm nuts and it's never going to work... I'm not saying I'm never going to come to her. Of course I will, she's my baby, my love. I'm going to call her just to say hey and I love you all the time. But instead of her being like OMG wtf does she want now... I'll be a nice little refreshment in a hard day. I don't want to be the annoying girlfriend who never goes away. I want to be the wife who knows how to make her smile in the middle of the day.

Thats the goal.

Wow... I started blogging, got hungry so I cooked breakfast, and I came back to finish and now I feel refreshed. I feel wonderful. No pain. All smiles. I'm happy. I'm in love and I'm loving it.

.An Inspired Mind.

Being told about yourself

(THERE WILL BE NO CENSORING IN THIS BLOG)

Hey Ppl!

So... for the last few days I've been told about myself, and ya'll know what I mean. When someone throws reality in your face and that shit hits you hard. You sit there for a whole day like, "What the fuck was that supposed to mean!?" Well... Let me put you up to speed on just the important shit.

Me and Rhajah broke up... it's been horrible and it's only been a day... I've been an emotional wreck. It's like my world has turned itself upside down and I just don't understand why... Well thats not true... I do know why. See, I've been through the whole break up "Bitch get outta my face" thing before... I've been through the "I just can't do this shit anymore" thing, and I've been broken up with... But I've never been broken up with by someone who means more to me than myself...

I guess she got fed up with all the outside bullshit. My friends all up in our shit, people all up in our shit and just random bullshit on top of my bullshit. I mean I guess all the stuff I go through is enough to drive anyone mad and then to have to deal with my stupid ass friends just pushed stuff over the edge. So I deleted my facebook, well deactivated since facebook since they done give you the option to "delete" (what kind of shit is that!?). Anyway... I got rid of all outside people so that we could focus on us and just us... So I've spent hours and probably a million text messages telling her that I don't want to be without her because she's my world (because she wont answer my calls... ouch).

So all week she's had these meetings that last ALL DAY and that doesn't bother me... okay I kinda miss her during the day because she's busy and I'm used to being able to text her throughout the day... So... I've been texting her throughout the day (yesterday and this morning) trying to tell her that I don't want to be without her and I guess I didn't think how irritating I am being. I mean... if the tables were turned and I was sitting in a meeting and she kept texting me I would be like oh my god shut the fuck up already so... yea I cant blame her for what she said to me... She told me that I'm being annoying and childish... and then when I told her that I just didn't want to lose her she asked me if it ever occurred to me that the reason she doesn't want to be with me is because I'm "NEEDY, SMOTHERING AND DEMANDING".

....................................................................................................................................................................

yea... so... uhh NO! I didn't think of that because I didn't know I was being any of those, shit... So this shit is going to marinate in my mind for like... days I know it. I guess I can see where she's coming from... She's busy all day and she works and I have class so at the end of the day I want her to myself, I guess that could be Needy and Smothering. I wanted to spend time with her regardless of what she had to do for Valentine's Day and threw a bitch fit about it, Needy and Demanding. I get a tad bit irritated when she has a full day and I don't because I'm going to miss her all day... Needy and Smothering... Okay I see where she's coming from... Damn. GROW UP VICTORIA! Shit. When I got into this relationship I didn't need shit from her or anyone else, I was doing the damn thing and I didn't care if I talked to her or not but when I did it was a nice surprise. Then all of a sudden I fell in love and became child like. UGH! Nobody likes someone like that. I'm a grown ass woman, what the fuck am I doing?! Talking to her should be something that brightens up my day as a surprise and not an expectation.

It's time for me to get my independence back. Ugh... I'm really irritated and quite disgusted with this child like attitude I've taken up. I want to be with a grown ass woman, I gotta get back to my grown ass woman.

This shit is not sexy, it's ignorant.

I need a fuckin hobby so I'm not always trying to talk to her because that's what the fuck happened. I stopped everything in my life because I wanted her. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to be with her. That's not what this is about. I am a beautiful, strong willed, and outspoken young woman. Not this shit I've been acting like. Somewhere down the line I lost myself... It's time for me to start putting me first again and remembering who the hell I am. I can love her and show her that while still doing my own thing and handling my own business. I don't need to be up under her ass all the time and I don't need to talk to her all the time. What the fuck happened to me?!

Say it with me, "Welcome Back Victoria Ashley, where the fuck you been bitch?!"

.An Inspired Mind.

Realization...

Hey Ya'll!

I hope you're doing okay. Happy Valentines Day!!! 


So this year on Valentines Day I've been given one of the best presents any person could ask for. And I know if you've read my blog from last night you probably think that I'm losing my mind lol but I promise I'm not. This year for Valentines Day I've been given insight. 


Last night Rhajah called me so upset with me because of my blog... And honest to goodness I didn't mean to hurt her or upset her with it... I just wanted to air out some feelings you know? Just debrief... She was so pissed off. She wouldn't let me call her baby because she didn't know if it was genuine and she even asked me if I was just pretending to be nice when we first got on the phone...


Last night I realized that I'm the asshole in our relationship. I realized that I'm the one who always pushed for more, I always want something, nothing's ever good enough... I realized that even though I said we didn't even need to have a Valentines Day, deep down I really wanted one. I realized that I'm a selfish, unsatisfied bitch... I mean wow... Rhajah got me the most beautiful flowers in the world, I mean they are perfect! And I don't know how she knew but it was like all my favorites in one vase. I love them! But I was still sad that I wasn't going to be able to feel her arms around me at night. 


She's not the major issue in our relationship, it's me. And I've never been able to see that until now. She tries to give me the world and I just ask for more... This is not the person I want to be. AT ALL. I hate people like me... So, I'm going to do something about it.


I'm really in deep shock, I don't even know what to feel. I'm kinda disgusted with myself and admiring her... How could she deal with me for this long? 


So Rhajah, if you're reading this... I'm sorry... I didn't realize that I was so hard to deal with... I didn't realize that I'm such a bitch sometimes. I'm really sorry. I'm going to work my butt off to change that. I do appreciate you and I'm so sorry that it rarely shows. You do so much for me and I just never even take the time out of my day to really think about it all. I think we balance each other out when it comes to give and take in a relationship but there's no need to give when the other person doesn't appreciate it. So I'm sorry, all these times that you've called me selfish and unappreciative... You were right... I just wasn't seeing it.

I see it now. I'm changing it now. I'm bettering myself. I'm becoming the woman I need to be. The first step to correcting a problem is noticing it's there. 


I am lucky to have such a wonderful woman in my life. She's amazing and she's real about her shit. She takes care of business first and plays later. She's absolutely irreplaceable and it's time I started acting like it. I don't deserve her, but I will.


You know maybe that's the reason I felt so unloved and unappreciated... Maybe because thats how I treat her... Treat others the way you want to be treated and those good deeds will be done onto you. 


She is my world, the stars in my sky and the other half to my heart... I love this woman more than I knew love allowed one to love. I don't ever want her to walk away from me, so it's time to work on some things.


.An Inspired & Determined Mind.

A Not So Happy Valentine

Hey Everybody!

Today is the day before Valentines Day and I'm not a very happy Valentine... I have swollen eyes because I've been crying all day on and off because I'm extremely hurt. My heart hurts so much in ways it's never hurt before...

This morning was pretty good, I woke up and watched Xmen with Rhajah, it was a pretty good movie, I enjoyed it a lot. I really thought our day was going to be good. She was so soft spoken with me, so kind, so sweet this morning... And then as every good day goes with her... it burned to hell.

Let me give a little history on me and Valentines Day... V-Day and me have a pretty horrible history. I usually get my heart broken right b4 V-Day and it ruins the whole holiday for me... In my past few relationships I didn't get anything for V-Day, it was almost like the day didn't even exist... Even though my past doesn't represent V-Day very well I've never given up on it. So this year I just knew it was going to be wonderful! I just knew! I was going to see Rhajah, we were going to have fun, enjoy each others company and just have a good time like we usually do together... She told me that she didn't know if we were going to do anything for V-Day but deep down I just really believed that she was going to do something special for me... I do everything in the world for her... I just knew something wonderful would happen... No, I was wrong... better luck next lifetime.

So a few hours after I finished XMen she called me and acted like a complete and total asshole (excuse my language). She blew up in my face, telling me how she wasn't going to waste her money and that I'm basically just adding to her stress. She didn't see a point in doing a big V-Day when my birthday is in April and I'll be transferring to school out there in May... It hurt so bad, but I was still okay. Then she goes on to tell me that she thinks I'm being childish moving out there and that I'm just adding onto her responsibilities... "I want you out here but I think you're being childish" What kind of love is that? What kind of support is that? I don't want to be with someone who's going to shut me down and talk about me, lose all respect for me and my thoughts just because. I honestly think she's bipolar or something. One day she'll be excited and happy talking about how she's gonna come cook or bring me dinner, how we'll spend time together and have a good time and then the next day I'm stupid, childish, selfish and stressful... I honestly don't know how to make her happy and it's making me very very bitter. I just wish she would either be happy or shut up. So that's when I lost it... the tears started falling because moving closer to her and transferring schools is like the highlight of my life right now and to her... I'm just another stress and one more responsibility. I didn't even feel loved. I damn sure didn't feel wanted...

So of course she didn't understand why I was crying. I even told her I would call her back when I felt the tears coming because I knew she wouldn't understand. She told me to stay on the phone and listen... I did. So I cried... and I cried hard and being the insensitive person she can be sometimes she says, "I don't even know why you're crying" and she hangs up on me... My heart has never hurt that badly... I've been lied to, cheated on, screwed over and so much more... but I've never loved anyone as much as I love her and I think that's why I'm so hurt.

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being conveniently loved. This is not how I saw my future... She loves me when she's happy or I did something for her and any other time I'm just a waste of space breathing air... or at least thats how I feel... I'm tired of her not understanding how her words cut me into little pieces... I'm just tired.

So about 30 minutes after she hung up on me, I'm still crying and I get a text message from her saying she's sorry and for me to try and enjoy my day... I couldn't even respond... I was so hurt and pissed off that she would say those things to me and then apologize! I wanted to tell her to go to hell and take her bs with her... but I couldnt. So I used the 2nd Golden Rule couldn't think of anything nice to say... so I didn't say anything at all. And then she sent me another text so I said, I'll try and to try and make it sound caring I added a baby in there. So I'm pissed off, sitting in my room, still crying, feeling a headache coming on (which I still have btw)... she texts me again saying she's a shitty girlfriend and she wouldn't be mad if I left and I'm sitting there thinking, yea you are sometimes and I wouldn't be mad either at this point and then someone knocks at my door...

Flowers...

They were gorgeous... How could I be mad when I have beautiful flowers in my hands... wonderfully arranged in a red vase with a big red bow. It was perfect and they made me happy until I called her and she answered... It was like as soon as I heard her voice all my pains rushed back and all of a sudden I was bitter, I didn't want to talk and I was trying not to show it. I felt unappreciated, taken for granted, stupid and I was tired of it. I want to be loved fully, completely, unconditionally and maybe I'm wrong but I feel like I will NEVER get that from me because the second she gets mad at me... she doesn't love me... or at least she doesn't show or act like it.

I should have never gotten my hopes up for spending time with her. I should have known that she wouldn't understand how important this holiday is to me... but I went all out for Sweetest Day... or at least I tried to before she came and changed my plans. I don't need flowers, spa treatments, and that other crap... All I wanted for Valentines Day was her...

Guess not...

.An Inspired Mind.

Thanks Mr. Jackson

Hey everyone!

So right now I'm sitting in my dorm, listening to Mr. Michael Jackson (he's somethin like my hero)... Sorry I haven't been writing recently... I guess my stress has been taking over my life. I try to smile though... Never let em see your pains, right? Right now Michael Jackson seems to be the only thing or person keeping me sane... I just don't know anymore. I don't know much of anything.

I'm so stressed in almost every aspect of my life but mostly school. I swear if this crap wasn't a necessity to survive I would have said forget this a LONG time ago... Homework, Exams, Study this, Study that, Meeting here, Meeting there... my counseling isn't even helping anymore... Everyone wants to come to me with their own problems and ask me for help but... I feel like I'm at the edge of a nervous breakdown myself. I'm sick of it all. I don't want to be bothered... I just want to be held... reassured... kissed and understood... I want to feel like someone cares.

I feel like I'm falling apart and no one notices... and the one person who's the closest to me and should notice my downward spirals doesn't even care, she just turns her back on me and tells me I have too many feelings... and I'm laughing right now because I'm not sure if I find that situation or myself pathetic. LOL! Oh... this life is just too much. She's busy and always tired and I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to fix everyone's problems without time for my own.

--hold on... gotta update my facebook status--

Victoria Ashley got her phone issues together but please don't be shocked/hurt/upset if a call or text doesn't get answered. I'm mentally tired & I need some time for myself. So no offense everyone but... SCREW UR PROBLEMS, ISSUES & ANYTHING U MAY BE GOING THROUGH. Grow up & do something about it. I'm human too & guess what! I have my own stresses. Just leave me be til further notice. k... goodbye. (that felt really good btw)

Boy oh boy did that feel wonderful!! Lol! I mean seriously... I'm tired and I feel like I have no where to turn. And on top of my stresses I keep having these horrible nightmares... Rape, Abuse, Heartbreak, Pain... I'm not sleeping... I'm forcing myself to eat... Literally. I have an alarm on my phone that goes off every 3 hours during the day telling me to eat something... 

I know Rhajah loves me and I love her more than anything, everything... She knows that. She just doesn't fully understand me and that's okay because right now... I don't either. I want to blame my stupid birth control... I switched brands on Friday and I want to say thats the reason I'm sitting on my bed crying my eyes out like a little bitch (please excuse my language)

Sometimes it really gets to me that I love helping people. It's one of the things I do best! I have to help people, I take on everyone's problems and solve them but that leaves no time for my own. I love to be a leader and because of that I stress myself out with RHA and forget about myself.

I cant wait to let go of it all. My parents gave me hell about transferring to University of Michigan-Flint... finally they gave in because I wasn't giving up but the fight to get their support stressed me out past the definition of stress... I'm just tired. I want a break. I want to spend time Rhajah. I want to relive our first date and walk the beach again; play with the sand with my toes, walk through the park, sit on a bench and just look at her, watch the water flow from the falls as her arms go around my waist... How I long to relive that day... She gave me the best day of my life and she doesn't even know it. 

I'm beginning to rethink my major and it's a little late for that... smh... I'm trying to figure out how in the world my behind is going to be a Social Worker when I stress myself out over other people's stress... But that's all I want to be... That's where my passion is. So I guess I have to learn how to regulate and control my stresses. Stop letting other people's shit become my shit (excuse my language). That's one thing I adore about Rhajah... her skill of just not giving a damn (excuse my language)... She's real good at that and she can turn her sympathy and apathy off like a light switch. 

So... i'll continue to breathe. As long as I'm inhaling and exhaling I'm doing better than someone right now... (bad way to look at it... but the truth). I'll try to control my stress... look up some relievers... I'll put my water fountain back together... the sound of water seems to be the only relaxant I know of... Any suggestions? 

Sorry if my thoughts were kinda everywhere tonight...

.An Inspired Mind.