taken down to prevent confrontation...
Monday, January 18, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Inadequate
Hey there...
I hate this feeling... I hate feeling like there's nothing I can do... I can't help... I don't even know what's going on. I hate when she's not happy...
Sitting here feeling like an inadequate girlfriend. Like I just don't do things right. Someone, somewhere would know how do handle her stresses and her bad moods... Why don't I? Why can't I figure this out. It's like when she's not happy I walk on eggshells because I don't want her to lash out at me. I don't know... Have you ever been in this kind of situation? It doesn't even have to be a relationship but just in general...? Maybe I'm just too sensitive and hard on myself. I blame myself for everything. Whenever something isn't right I'm always blaming myself, even when it doesn't have anything to do with me. Is that bad?
Anyway, today I woke up feeling horrible and accidentally took NyQuil instead of DayQuil... so I was out of it from about 11am to 5:30ish... I was no longer sneezing, coughing and sniffling BUT now I was sleepy, dizzy and so out of it I wasn't sure I was really walking or not. I'm so glad that wore off before the first RHA meeting which was at 7.
OH! I GOT MY ACCEPTANCE PACKET FROM UofM YESTERDAY!!!! I'm soooo happy!! I have Transfer Orientation on April 15th from 9am-1pm. While I'm super excited I feel really bad because I feel like me being closer to her is actually adding to her stress right now... I don't know but at the same time I feel like me being there will make things so much better and easier. Atleast then I'll be around her and I'll be able to give her hugs and kisses when she's down. A hug and kiss from the one you love when you're down can be enough to turn your day around sometimes. :)
I just hope that I'm not the cause of her stress... You know this blogging has really been helping me stay sane recently. This was probably the smartest thing I could have done over Winter Break and I'm really glad I'm sticking to it. It helps me get some emotions out and just debrief. It's almost like I don't know how to relax and after i write all this down I can finally unwind and breathe. I hate that I'm so high strung. It's like a curse... All good comes with bad right? Gotta pretend to study for class tomorrow. I know I'll probably fall asleep before I read anything which is why I say pretend. Have a wonderful day/night... whatever time you're reading this.
By the way... I think I might check out this All Saints Episcopal Church my grandmama told me about... I kinda feel like I need to go... I don't like when I get these feelings but if my gut is telling me to go to church 9 times out of 10 somebody wants me to sit my put down in a church. (I didn't say I would go to the service, but I will go sit in the church.) It's been a while... I'll probably do that real soon... Let you know how that goes. Last time I sat down in front of a statue of Jesus I broke down in tears and one of my friends sat and cried with me. I don't even know why it happened... I can't even explain it. It sounds stupid but something in me just gave out. The one place and person I can take my mask off with. I've noticed I talk to "God" a lot more than I thought... the other day I was walking to class and I felt like I was going to have an asthma attack in the cold, with my backpack and my guitar... The air was so dry and I caught myself walking saying, "Lord... please just let me get up this hill and to the door" and when I got there I caught myself saying, "Thank you Lord." I shocked the crap outta myself but hey it's cool lol. It's not like I don't believe in God or Jesus or anything... Like I said before I just believe in the Hercules Theory lol.
Okay seriously this time. Goodbye lol
An Inspired Mind.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
GOLDEN!
Hey there!
I know I know it's been a while since I've written anything so you may be mad at me but I have A LOT to talk about! So I hope you have some time :-)
K, well last time I blogged it was about Rhajah's accident... not even touching on that subject today. Maybe tomorrow?... I guess you'll see.
I moved back on campus January 4th and had my first class January 6th, I'm sooo happy to be back to the hustle and bustle of college life! I'm super confident about this semester, my classes all seem to be pretty cool with awesome professors. Plus I have a friend or two in every class so that always helps especially when it's time to study. Intro to Sociology, Intro to Psychology, American Government and Guitar! I love music so I already know the guitar class is going to be my favorite... I think I would marry music if i could... Maybe it's possible I mean if a woman can marry a horse I can marry music, right? Lol I tickle myself sometimes
Any who, like I said I'm super happy to be back at school. It was such a stress relief, you know? I love the "exercise" I'm getting walking around campus whenever I want, the freedom of doing what I want, when I want... around RHA of course lol. I'm not sure we've talked about RHA... Okay so freshman year I wanted to run for President of Hamlin Hall Council (the residence hall I lived in last year), so I would have basically been over all building meetings and programs in that particular hall. Sadly my application was lost and I was never considered for that position... or at least that's what I thought. A few weeks later I got back to my room from class and someone had slipped an application under my door with my name on it and the role of President checked with a sticky note saying "Go For It!". Someone had bigger plans for me. Of course I filled out the application and turned it in, went through 3 interviews and was given the position of President of the Residence Halls Association, so now that little role I wanted in Hamlin Hall Council had to report to me... along with the 5 other halls on campus. To be granted that opportunity was so super huge to me and I felt like for the first time in a long time I had something to brag about lol. So in May I was sent (paid for by the school) to University of Arizona for training and NACURH (The Annual RHA Conference)! There were schools there from all over the U.S plus Canada, Mexico and even Australia! (that just reminded me... I have another conference in March in Wisconsin for 3 days).
Everything was wonderful, I loved my life, my job and school... then towards the end of the summer I met the love of my life and I began to really worry about how in the world I was going to juggle school, RHA and her all at once and succeed in all three. When the school year started I just knew my relationship was going to fail because of RHA; all the meetings I have and all the people I have to talk to. But it didn't and I'm so proud of that and so happy that it didn't. I honestly think Rhajah is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Since I've moved back on campus we've learned to work things out and I'm absolutely loving our relationship. I love how we can be together without being together every second of everyday. We don't have to sit up on a phone all day, talk online all day or anything... we're both too damn busy for that right now anyway (excuse my language).
My family has finally accepted the fact that I'm transferring to UofM Flint that way I can get the better degree and be with her. It's like a WIN-WIN situation if you ask me. You just don't know how much I love this woman. It's completely ridiculous the way she makes me feel... I blush when I'm around her or even on the phone with her, she makes me giggle like a child and I've never smiled harder than when I'm with her. It's ridiculous, things I would never do for anyone else I'm ready to do for her.
Moving On...
I'm not sure if I told ya'll about this or not but January 2nd was my grandmama's birthday. The whole family (and extended family) over 18 went to Andiamo's for dinner on my Daddy's dime. (the bill was like 600!) But anyway my dad brought his girlfriend and I'm cool with Krystal, I mean I don't have anything personal against her and I want my dad to be happy but my mom on the other hand tore Krystal to pieces at dinner. Here I am sitting with my mother and step-father on my left and my father and his girlfriend on my right arguing while I'm just trying to duck and dodge invisible word bullets and pleading the 5th to every question coming my way. Ugh. It was ridiculous. My cousins Francis and Dwight thought this was the most hilarious thing ever and stuffed their faces with bread and marinara with front row seats to the updated NEW AND IMPROVED version of "baby mama drama" and "he's my man now".
Well in lighter news 115 days until I transfer and I'm closer to her!! But until then I'm vibing to some Jill Scott just "Living my life like it's golden, GOLDEN!"
I know I know it's been a while since I've written anything so you may be mad at me but I have A LOT to talk about! So I hope you have some time :-)
K, well last time I blogged it was about Rhajah's accident... not even touching on that subject today. Maybe tomorrow?... I guess you'll see.
I moved back on campus January 4th and had my first class January 6th, I'm sooo happy to be back to the hustle and bustle of college life! I'm super confident about this semester, my classes all seem to be pretty cool with awesome professors. Plus I have a friend or two in every class so that always helps especially when it's time to study. Intro to Sociology, Intro to Psychology, American Government and Guitar! I love music so I already know the guitar class is going to be my favorite... I think I would marry music if i could... Maybe it's possible I mean if a woman can marry a horse I can marry music, right? Lol I tickle myself sometimes
Any who, like I said I'm super happy to be back at school. It was such a stress relief, you know? I love the "exercise" I'm getting walking around campus whenever I want, the freedom of doing what I want, when I want... around RHA of course lol. I'm not sure we've talked about RHA... Okay so freshman year I wanted to run for President of Hamlin Hall Council (the residence hall I lived in last year), so I would have basically been over all building meetings and programs in that particular hall. Sadly my application was lost and I was never considered for that position... or at least that's what I thought. A few weeks later I got back to my room from class and someone had slipped an application under my door with my name on it and the role of President checked with a sticky note saying "Go For It!". Someone had bigger plans for me. Of course I filled out the application and turned it in, went through 3 interviews and was given the position of President of the Residence Halls Association, so now that little role I wanted in Hamlin Hall Council had to report to me... along with the 5 other halls on campus. To be granted that opportunity was so super huge to me and I felt like for the first time in a long time I had something to brag about lol. So in May I was sent (paid for by the school) to University of Arizona for training and NACURH (The Annual RHA Conference)! There were schools there from all over the U.S plus Canada, Mexico and even Australia! (that just reminded me... I have another conference in March in Wisconsin for 3 days).
Everything was wonderful, I loved my life, my job and school... then towards the end of the summer I met the love of my life and I began to really worry about how in the world I was going to juggle school, RHA and her all at once and succeed in all three. When the school year started I just knew my relationship was going to fail because of RHA; all the meetings I have and all the people I have to talk to. But it didn't and I'm so proud of that and so happy that it didn't. I honestly think Rhajah is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Since I've moved back on campus we've learned to work things out and I'm absolutely loving our relationship. I love how we can be together without being together every second of everyday. We don't have to sit up on a phone all day, talk online all day or anything... we're both too damn busy for that right now anyway (excuse my language).
My family has finally accepted the fact that I'm transferring to UofM Flint that way I can get the better degree and be with her. It's like a WIN-WIN situation if you ask me. You just don't know how much I love this woman. It's completely ridiculous the way she makes me feel... I blush when I'm around her or even on the phone with her, she makes me giggle like a child and I've never smiled harder than when I'm with her. It's ridiculous, things I would never do for anyone else I'm ready to do for her.
Moving On...
I'm not sure if I told ya'll about this or not but January 2nd was my grandmama's birthday. The whole family (and extended family) over 18 went to Andiamo's for dinner on my Daddy's dime. (the bill was like 600!) But anyway my dad brought his girlfriend and I'm cool with Krystal, I mean I don't have anything personal against her and I want my dad to be happy but my mom on the other hand tore Krystal to pieces at dinner. Here I am sitting with my mother and step-father on my left and my father and his girlfriend on my right arguing while I'm just trying to duck and dodge invisible word bullets and pleading the 5th to every question coming my way. Ugh. It was ridiculous. My cousins Francis and Dwight thought this was the most hilarious thing ever and stuffed their faces with bread and marinara with front row seats to the updated NEW AND IMPROVED version of "baby mama drama" and "he's my man now".
Well in lighter news 115 days until I transfer and I'm closer to her!! But until then I'm vibing to some Jill Scott just "Living my life like it's golden, GOLDEN!"
Sunday, January 3, 2010
So Much and It's just Jan. 3rd
Hey hey!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
It's 11:17am... and this is the first time since my last blog that I've felt able to talk...
My life seems to play games with my sanity. New Years Eve I was fully prepared to go into 2010 with a positive attitude and no stress... January 1st my life came to halt.
I don't even really want to get into it because I'm trying to forget the pain and the fear that I felt but to sum it up Rhajah got into a car accident and all hell broke loose in the world. She got hurt but thankfully she will heal... I tried to be there for her and make the best decision I knew how and ended up doing exactly what she didn't want me to do... so at 3 am I was single because my girlfriend believed I left her in the cold...
It hurt because I thought I was doing the right thing but I didn't have all the information or details so my decision would have hurt her more than help. I honestly think that fact broke my heart more than her leaving me... I would never do anything to hurt her... not purposely... Even still today 2 days later my heart hurts so badly because if her mother would have listened to me I would have hurt the love of my life...
I feel guilty because she's in pain. I know it's not my fault and I may not have had anything to do with her accident but I feel responsible for her pain. I wish I could take it all away from her, I wish there was something I could do.
My heart hurts... I haven't heard her voice in what feels like days but I don't want her to waste breath talking to me... I want to be there. I want to be able to help her. I don't want her to have to move a muscle...
My best friend told me that if Rhajah could forgive me for making the wrong decision thats half the battle. She told me that the rest would be on me... To be patient. To understand. To be there. While patience isn't my strong point I feel like I've taken my vow to her to be here through everything, good or bad, sick or in health and rich or poor... She is my world and for her anything is possible and nothing is too much or too hard...
I guess this is what real love feels like. Knowing she's in pain makes me sick to my stomach and I just want to cry. Seeing her continue on makes me smile because she's so strong but I still want to cry because I want to do everything for her and let her rest. I feel like a horrible girlfriend for not being there, for not kissing away pains, not helping her do the little things that may be harder than usual.
What kind of woman am I to sit here and watch her hurt... I damn near hate myself for that...
It's not my fault... But somehow, someway it is.
It's 11:17am... and this is the first time since my last blog that I've felt able to talk...
My life seems to play games with my sanity. New Years Eve I was fully prepared to go into 2010 with a positive attitude and no stress... January 1st my life came to halt.
I don't even really want to get into it because I'm trying to forget the pain and the fear that I felt but to sum it up Rhajah got into a car accident and all hell broke loose in the world. She got hurt but thankfully she will heal... I tried to be there for her and make the best decision I knew how and ended up doing exactly what she didn't want me to do... so at 3 am I was single because my girlfriend believed I left her in the cold...
It hurt because I thought I was doing the right thing but I didn't have all the information or details so my decision would have hurt her more than help. I honestly think that fact broke my heart more than her leaving me... I would never do anything to hurt her... not purposely... Even still today 2 days later my heart hurts so badly because if her mother would have listened to me I would have hurt the love of my life...
I feel guilty because she's in pain. I know it's not my fault and I may not have had anything to do with her accident but I feel responsible for her pain. I wish I could take it all away from her, I wish there was something I could do.
My heart hurts... I haven't heard her voice in what feels like days but I don't want her to waste breath talking to me... I want to be there. I want to be able to help her. I don't want her to have to move a muscle...
My best friend told me that if Rhajah could forgive me for making the wrong decision thats half the battle. She told me that the rest would be on me... To be patient. To understand. To be there. While patience isn't my strong point I feel like I've taken my vow to her to be here through everything, good or bad, sick or in health and rich or poor... She is my world and for her anything is possible and nothing is too much or too hard...
I guess this is what real love feels like. Knowing she's in pain makes me sick to my stomach and I just want to cry. Seeing her continue on makes me smile because she's so strong but I still want to cry because I want to do everything for her and let her rest. I feel like a horrible girlfriend for not being there, for not kissing away pains, not helping her do the little things that may be harder than usual.
What kind of woman am I to sit here and watch her hurt... I damn near hate myself for that...
It's not my fault... But somehow, someway it is.
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