Day 5: Just random thoughts of poetry

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Ya know...

Being alone can be nice
When you have the time for
Silence...
Serenity...
When you can close your eyes and
Drift away....
and just hope you don't end up falling
Because that's when you realize there's no one there to catch you...

Being alone
Can be uplifting.
It can make you stronger
Wiser
and sometimes it can even make you nicer
Not having to deal with someone else all the time

I lay here
In my own home
In my own room
In my own bed
that was once shared by a woman I loved

Wondering
How long is it going to take for me to love again?
When will I be able to give my heart away and trust the person that I give it to?
When will the time come...
When I love myself more than any of these materialistic things in life?
When will I finally get it together?

To so many people I'm just so grown...
So strong...
So wise...
so ahead of my time
But to some...
I'm still a child,
and I wonder if they see me that way because...
because I haven't been through the same things...
if they see me like this because I was given most of the things i have
and I didn't have to work for them
But it doesn't mean that I couldn't have.

When?
5 or 6 years from now will I call you mine and will I be yours

Will you even remember my name
Will you remember my face
If you see me...
Will you speak?

How long will it take before I stop reaching for a touch?
How long will it be before the pain is just waaayy too much?

Why do I let myself get to his point?
Why do I hurt so bad only knowing that I'm going to disappoint me
That no matter how hard I wish, how much I pray about it
This is the way it's going to be so why cry about it?

I pray for strength,
I pray for wisdom and courage.
Walking back into a jungle after being sheltered isn't easy.
Having someone who loves you and looks out for your every move
I wish i would have appreciated you
The little things that you do
I wish I would have said thank you more often
I wish I would have never ever asked you to move...
And just said, "Excuse me."
Because that's all you wanted
I wish I would have have told you I loved you more
and I wish you really would have knew
I wish I could have explained things better
to help you understand...
I wish I would have never lashed out at you
and would have just been your backbone...
like you knew me to be
like I should have been
Where I want to be.

But it's all done now
Its all a memory
All a part of my hope box, my memories, my journals and my diaries.
A piece of my mind that i don't like to reflect on...
Waiting for it to go away
I wonder if I smoked a blunt....
If i could selectively erase just one page


Probably not...


And while tomorrow is a new day
It will probably still bring the same struggles of yesterday.
But for now... I feel beautiful and I can breathe in
Serenity
And breathe out
Solitude
And that's all I need...

-Victoria Ashley